Help - so unhappy

[lostandconfused20]

Both myself and DP have been unhappy since our DC was born 18 months ago, we’ve been together 6 years and he’s much older than me.
We’ve had 3 convos in the last 5 weeks about being unhappy (I started the first because I’ve kept it to myself for so long) he tried kicking me out and wouldn’t let me take baby - I managed to stay
2 other talks he’s told me we should go our separate ways.
Now last night he’s told me if I want to chose to throw everything away for nothing then he will not let me take DC and he will fight me in court for full custody, he won’t lose DC.
What do I do?

I should add that this started about 2 months before DC was born when I said something in public he didn’t like and so in private he went mental, screaming in my face that if I ever spoke to him like that again in front of other people he would f’ing kill me.
Now.... he has never ever laid a hand on me and never would but to say that to someone you ‘love’ I just started to drift away from him. And the drift has just continued and that’s how I’ve got to this point. I am withdrawn from him, not interested in affection or intimacy with him or have any real interest in him and now we’ve been living separate lives.
I should also add last year he told me he was unhappy and didn’t want to carry the relationship on (and that was fine for him to say and I didn’t say I’d take DC away from him!)

Well he can't take DC away from you.
No matter what he threatens.
He can take you to court but none would give him full parental responsibility as you are the mother.
If he wants 50:50 he could apply for that.
Does he look after LO now?
How often does he have your DC on his own and for how long?
Does he work and earn well?
Does he work long hours?
Do you work?
Are you the main carer for your DC?

I would suggest getting away asap with your DC.
Get to family or friends and do NOT tell him.
Just get away.
Once you are safely away you can contact him regarding access.

He is abusive and it's escalating.
You cannot say he has never ever laid a hand on me and never would as you have no idea what he is capable of.
He has already threatened to kill you.
Don't take that lightly.
Listen to what he is saying and believe him!
Abusers usually ramp it up and show their true colours when a baby is put into the mix.
It's very common.
Get away and get some legal advice.

You're in an abusive relationship OP and it's just going to get worse. You have no idea if he'll hit you or not and it's more than likely going to escalate. I bet if I asked a few questions about your relationship, you'll find it's controlling and emotionally abusive and always has been.

We need to start organising your exit strategy. We need to do this in as unobtrusive a manner as possible because you are most vulnerable when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

You can get in contact with your local domestic abuse organisation here. They should know what's available locally such as legal advice clinics, counselling and what's available with the council.

Alternatively contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. You need to make a safety plan OP so that you minimise risk to yourself and your baby.

Can you confide in your GP or Health Visitor? You can also try to make an appointment with your local CABx for advice. Gingerbread can give you information on child maintenance, benefits, contact arrangements etc Rights of Women can give you free legal advice.

Here's the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship. Make sure you look up information for where you are in the UK as laws vary.

If you think your partner may try to take your child then look into a Prohibited Steps Order.

Saying he will take your child is a classic move of an abuser. He CANNOT do that. Please remember that. It’s the only threat he has to try and control you with. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Can you call Women’s Aid for some advice?

so in private he went mental, screaming in my face that if I ever spoke to him like that again in front of other people he would f’ing kill me.

Go and speak to you local women's aid asap.you may have to wait on an appointment/call or some have a drop in service in certain days of the week.

Let's see how much luck he has taking your child away from you when it's known he aggressively threatened to kill you (not that it would be ok if it wasn't "aggressive").

Even if he hadn't, I really wouldn't fancy his chances unless he can prove you've been doing crack while you baby crawls around a room covered in discarded syringes and paper envelopes full of drugs.

You're the main carer, right?

See women's aid asap.

Hi OP. What is your housing situation? Do you rent or own? is mortgage or tenancy in both or single names?
You need to get away from this man ASAP as he is abusive. He may not have laid a finger on you but he's still abusing you.
Can you get help from friends/family?

Does he work? If he does are you able to pack your and your DC essentials and leave while he's out and maybe stay with a relative or friend? He sounds absolutely vile OP. He doesn't have to physically hurt you to be abusive!

Gosh thank you all so much for your replies. I’ll try and answer as much as I can!
Small update - I spoke to a solicitor today who gave me some reassurance that he couldn’t just keep DC full time as some of you had also reassured me of today (thank you!) I was worried that cos he has a house and money they’d favour him but she said no as I have family I can stay with.
He looks after lo whilst I’m doing things around the house like cooking/showering etc as do I when he needs to do stuff.
I don’t ever really leave him with her On his own. Occasionally I’ll pop to Tesco to get everyone lunches but that’s it!
He works 5 days a week and can work from home if he wants but he won’t look after lo and work as he gets nothing done!
I’m self employed and work 4 days so I can spend a day with LO...
According to the solicitor what I described would say I’m the main carer.
Housing situation is that he owns the flat we live in; I’m not on the papers at all and I’ve only ever contributed to food shopping as I’ve always had to give him money back every month for the holidays we went on with his kids that I couldn’t afford but he said I could pay back monthly. So I’ve done that our whole relationship until Lo went to nursery and now I just pay her nursery fees (12-1500 a month!)

I know what he did that day when he threatened me was so wrong, and I’ve never gotten over it and gradually the resentment has led me here but he says that incident was my fault; I was the one that belittled him and so he reacted and getting angry and shouting is just his way of reacting (this is him saying it!) so he has been arguing that what he did wasn’t that big a deal because it was my fault to begin with.
He hasn’t done anything like that since although when I first told him I was unhappy a month ago he did throw Lo’s bottle at the wall and threw the chopping board somehow in the kitchen.
So because his flat is sold, he keeps sending me houses to go and view... even after all these talks/arguments and him telling me we should go our separate ways if that’s what I want to do.
I just need to find the strength to tell him the truth, but I’m struggling so bad with that because of his reactions 😢

You don’t need to tell him anything. In fact: you shouldn’t. The relationship is clearly over. Words are pointless and could endanger you. He is abusive and you really don’t know what he may do. Get you and the DC safe. If you have RL support, you should use it. Do you have family or friends who can help you move and be around to stop him becoming abusive when you move out?

Do you have family you can stay with? If you do leave I would take your time to slowly move things to your families, then move when he is not there I think given his threats he could escalate...stay safe

I wouldn't tell him anything until you know exactly what you are going to do. Even then I might leave and then tell him. He sounds horrible.

Thanks all.
I do have family that are aware of the situation, my brothers have offered me a room in each of their homes should I need it, and 1 brother has offered me his car to get me to and from work as they live about 45 mins from work.
I have some great friends giving me strength because I keep being weak and letting his words guilt me into staying, as well as the fact he is being nice again at the moment which I know will change as soon as I tell him I’m done.
The problem I have with just upping and leaving while he is out is that I fear that will make the whole situation worse and I don’t want it to become that way (even though I know he’s happy to be as horrible as he can)
It’s funny I actually realised yesterday that when he’s been having rows with his ex, she packed up her stuff and left while he was on holiday with his kids! I should have taken that as a red flag 😔
I’m going to start packing some things together and leave it at my brothers today because I feel the longer I stay in the house, the more he thinks things are going back to normal or making me feel guilty by being nice

We, all of us, have missed a red flag at some time in our lives. Some of us have missed a whole length of bunting... so don't beat yourself up.

You clearly have your head screwed on right, unlike many who keep on hoping that they can fix the unfixable, and waste their (and their children's!!) lives doing so. Plus you're lucky to have a job and so much family support. You and your LO will be fine. In fact, you'll thrive once you no longer have to live in fear of his abuse.

Thank you for your compliment and you’re right I do think I’ll thrive when I can finally be myself again. To be honest, I have felt suffocated and literally like I can’t breathe for so long the thought of being able to breathe normally again is such a nice thought.
I’ve wondered though, am I being too drastic in leaving when he is so good with things like housework and stuff? He’s always doing things around the house, washing and ironing (whilst I do other bits) but he does the ironing when I take Lo out otherwise I don’t get a chance. He is also sooo good with Lo I wonder if those 2 things should be enough to make me stay for the sake of our family unit.
Sorry I’m all over the place with my thoughts

Leave him now. He will get worse.

Simple truth, when someone shows you who they are...............believe them !!!!!!! :(

No excuses, no 'it was your own fault'.........there is NO excuse for screaming in your DP's face that you will 'kill them' for talking to you in a certain way ! He managed to keep his anger under control until he had privacy and no witnesses..........he is a VERY dangerous man who doesn't give a flying f**k about you or DC !

Please, please keep yourself and your DC safe.

So I’ve taken the next step and packed an emergency bag that my brother has taken to his house in case I need a quick getaway or he kicks me out (as he’s tried to do a couple of times now)
I think he will definitely try and stop me taking Lo with me so I think I have to wait to tell him I’m done until I can get her looked after by my brother/sis in law.
But now I’ve packed a bag I’m scared and feeling regret wondering if I’m doing the right thing because I know he can be a good caring guy too 😩

You're definitely doing the right thing OP. You can't bring your child up in the same house as a man who screams and rages.

What is preventing you from leaving? You're not married are you? Do you have any rights to the house?

You had a child with a man who expects to be repaid for a holiday you went on with his children???
And that didn't wave any red flag?
Also, chopping boards don't 'somehow' get thrown. They get thrown by people with nasty, violent tempers.

Just read your last comment ... you'd stay with him because he's good at ironing? Dear god, listen to yourself! So when you end up with a black eye or worse, will it be bless him, he always ironed my T-shirts?
Get a grip.

@12345kbm
Literally what’s stopping me leaving is my DC and him not letting me take her with me. We’re not married and I’ve looked and don’t have rights to his house unfortunately.
@katy1213
DC was a beautiful surprise and I couldn’t have terminated due to past trauma.
I knew the repaying for holidays with his kids is messed up (no one else understood this either) but I did go on the holidays in the end so I felt i should pay my way.
I didn’t actually see him throw the chopping board I just heard something loud from the kitchen and the next day noticed the broken board so assumed it was that.
Not saying I’d stay with him cos he does the ironing but I’m reading other people’s issues on here and it makes you doubt your own situation. Especially when you’re already having doubts because he starts being nice to you again or says things to make you feel bad. Not sure you understand those feelings as I don’t know your background

How is he preventing you from taking her OP? You gained legal advice and you are the primary carer. If you think he'll take the child from school/nursery, then looking into getting a prohibitive steps order.

I would start looking for somewhere else to live next week. Get advice on a PSO, contact Gingerbread about maintenance, contact arrangements, benefits etc

If you feel unsafe then make enquiries into a non molestation order. The NCDV can give you advice on both a Prohibited Steps and Non Mol.

I think you know you need to leave. You've got somewhere to go.
When he's at work, go to your brothers then phone him and say you're not coming back.
He's violent and aggressive and your child very small so arrange a contact centre for now.
Good luck