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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Different interests

12 replies

FearlessSwiftie · 06/03/2020 06:19

Me and my BF of half a year have quite different interests and tastes in music and movies. I don't mean "completely different" but in some ways we just don't understand each other's tastes. I know this is perfectly fine but lately it's been a reason for us having a quarrel.

When we weren't dating, I asked him whether hewould like to join me at the house music group concert. He listened to their songs and evn liked some of them so he went there with me. We started dating right after this show and later he told me that he went there not because of music but because of me.

He himself is a juzz fan while I don't really understand and like jazz. So when there was a juzz show he asked me to join him and I refused at first because I don't understand this music. Then I thought that I could go there just for him and so we went there. It was OK but not completely as it turned out. I will go back to that later.

Then there was a show of my favorite music band and I had tickets long before I met him. I asked him whether he would like to go too and he refused saying it's not his type of music and going there "just for me" would be too expensive. I was totally fine with that because tastes differ and it's normal. I also didn't want him to spend a lot of money on the show he wouldn't enjoy.

So yesterday we were discussing the movies we want to see and once again we saw that our movie tastes were different: he wanted to see the movie that I didn't find interestng and I wanted to see the film that he considered to be low-quality. To be honest, I see no problem in this, I mean, we could go watch the movies we like separately. I'd be fine with that but it turned out that he wouldn't.

He told me that I never compromise my interests like he does and also remembered that house music concert to remind me that he didn't enjoy this music but he went because of me. I told him about the jazz show where I joined him for him and he answered that my facial expression at this show looked as if I saw and heard something very unpleasant. Once again, to be honest, this music wasn't my favorite but it was OK so I can't recall the moment when I could feel some disgust and even showed it via my face. Apparently, he saw just that.

The main point from him was that he can never get a concession from me. I didn't want to continue this quarrel so I agreed because sometimes it's difficult for me, that is true. While at the same time I think that having different interests and enjoy something separately is alright so... Idk, what do I do now? Seems like my only option is to accept everything he suggests to do and do things with him to spend time together. Have you faced the same problem?

OP posts:
FearlessSwiftie · 06/03/2020 06:21

I'm also sorry for several typos, lack of sleep gets me :(

OP posts:
Sweetener12 · 06/03/2020 06:59

Dear Swiftie, I'm sorry to tell you that but your BF sounds very immature, he probably thinks that if he suffers for you then you should repay him. He won't say it out loud but he will make you feel that instead. I faced the almost same problem with my dh (then bf) when I used to work for a wedding agency and I did smartshow 3d slides for them. He accused me of being one-track minded and told me that I'm always eager to go only to wedding-connected sort of events. We overcame it with the help of honest and open discussion that I need to do things for my work but it was a slightly different situation...

LemonTT · 06/03/2020 08:08

I don’t really understand the problem. I assume you both perused your interests separately before you met. Carry on doing that and try to find something you both enjoy. There must be something.

Honestly you are both being awkward. Maybe you aren’t right for each other.

KatherineJaneway · 06/03/2020 08:24

Tbh you don't sound compatible. If you don't like something then you shouldn't go along just because your bf wants you to go and vice versa. It's fine to go to a concert or to see a film on your own.

opticaldelusion · 06/03/2020 08:32

This is so not an issue. You go to see the films and bands you like, he does the same. Find something else entirely that you like doing together. Stop trying to change each other.

Or split up. You don't actually sound that compatible.

FearlessSwiftie · 06/03/2020 08:41

@KatherineJaneway
@opticaldelusion
I thought about is being not compatible too but Idk, are the same interests THAT important? When he needs support I do my best to comfort him and he does the same for me. We enjoy talking, discussing different things, spending time together while being at each other's places or walking but if we have no common interests will it ruin the whole thing for us? He didn't say out loud that we should break up if we have nothing to do together, maybe this idea didn't even cross his mind and it is just me overthinking the whole thing, but to me it seems like I did something very wrong. :(

I know we need to look for something which will be interesting for us both but I'm afraid he won't suggest anything because of me "not compromising" and I'm afraid to suggest things because he could do beause of me, not because he wants to. Well, maybe it's just me overthinking and blowing things out of proportion.

OP posts:
FourCappuccinos · 06/03/2020 08:45

Different interests isn't th eproblem. The problem is him not recognising that it's perfectly normal for people to go to concerts etc without their partner, and that relationships isn't a quid pro quo situation.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/03/2020 12:50

I’d break up with him not because of the separate interests, but because he’s entirely inflexible and wants to control your enjoyment. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to live in each other’s pockets and do everything together. He does things with his friends, you do them with yours. (And couples who cultivate broad friendship groups and interests outside of their relationships are happier and more successful overall than those who cling to each other like limpets, anyway.)

FearlessSwiftie · 06/03/2020 13:09

@ComtesseDeSpair I don't want to break up because I really like him and he is good if we leave that one thing aside. And I completely agree with you that pairs don't have to stick together but my ex-boyfriend broke up with me because of the exactly same reason: he wanted to spend more time together WITH me AND his friends at the same time. I don't want to repeat the situation so idk... maybe I'm the one who should be more flexible?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 06/03/2020 13:19

Well yes, you should be somewhat flexible and willing to compromise in a relationship, and it sounds like you are: you went to the jazz.

I’ve been to any number of terrible movies at the cinema that I’m not interested in and a couple of music concerts, because my boyfriend wanted to go and I was happy to tag along for company. The difference is that when he asks me what I thought afterwards, he doesn’t mind at all if I respond that I thought it was shit, he’ll just laugh (and in the case of some of the more terrible movies - Aquaman I am looking at you - agree.) Your boyfriend seems to want you to not only go with him to things you wouldn’t choose to but also enjoy all of them, and that’s not on.

FearlessSwiftie · 06/03/2020 13:41

@ComtesseDeSpair I also thought my bf would be ok with me not being particulary happy about jazz and he was back then. It's just that yesterday he told me that my facial expression was wrong and I can't even explain this to myself.
Okay, thanks for your support anyway, guess we will sort it out.

OP posts:
altogirl · 06/03/2020 18:53

Telling you your facial expression was wrong (wtf!) is extremely controlling behavior and a huge red flag. And worse yet is bringing it up months later when you can't even remember! Beware. It's not you, it's him and your previous BF. Again, it's NOT YOU.

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