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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband doesn't want to be with me anymore

10 replies

Charmel2015 · 06/03/2020 04:17

Me and my husband have been together 4 years, married for just over a year. Our relationship has never been perfect, he accuses me of lieing and cheating all the time when I have never done neither of these things. We work and live together and he gets jealous quite easier. We don't have a sex life anymore, he tells me I'm not affection towards him when I'm always the one intitated things. If I wants something I have to make the first move. We haven't had sex in months. We have rows near enough every day and everytime he we have a row ge mentions divorce and calls me all the names under the sun. He has told me he don't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me anymore. He had told me to get out of his life. I still love him and want to make this work but he said he hasn't wanted this relationship for the past 3 years so it feels like I've been dragged along with false promise and hope we were ok. What should I do as I am scared and have noone else to turn to

OP posts:
Ozziewozzie · 06/03/2020 04:22

Lots of people would say that if someone is continually accusing you of cheating when you haven’t, it’s usually they themselves who are the cheaters. From your post it seems your dh is emotionally bashing you on a regular basis. Only married a year and the sec has stopped, arguments have started. He’s abusive to you and you’ve become alone and dependent on him. Now he’s ready he wants to leave the relationship but it’s you who needs to physically leave Hmm. I think not. Kick his sorry ass out metaphorically speaking

FlowerArranger · 06/03/2020 04:33

Me and my husband have been together 4 years, married for just over a year. Our relationship has never been perfect, he accuses me of lieing and cheating all the time when I have never done neither of these things. ... He had told me to get out of his life. I still love him and want to make this work but he said he hasn't wanted this relationship for the past 3 years

Why did you even get married? Why do you love him? Have you ever envisioned a life without him?

This is a totally dysfunctional relationship. Can't you detach and build the life you want? And thrive.

wehaveafloater · 06/03/2020 04:44

See a solicitor as you home and work lives are intertwined this is more complex if it's your own company you work for - if it's a case you both work at same place then start looking for a transfere or new job too . Get all your ducks in a row and leave the shit. Life really is too short to pine after Simone unworthy and he sounds like a bully . Move on and you will forget him eventually .

Chazza2015 · 06/03/2020 04:44

He said he only married me to paper over the cracks and hope our relationship would work, he tells me all the time I'm lieing to him but when we have a argument he says the most hurtful things like he feels sorry for me that's why he stays with me because i have no family, calls me all names under the sun. I never knew until now he only married me for that reason and all the other things he has said as well. I do love him but I sometimes wonder why when he says the things he does. He has a short temper and flys off the handle at me over the smallest things. I have become alone and dependent on him and don't what to do, where to go

Chazza2015 · 06/03/2020 04:47

I've just got a promotion in my job so don't want to leave but I can't carry on like this. He said he won't make my life hard at work but I just don't know what to believe anymore. He can be a really nice person at times but most of the time he just have at go at me for no reason and tells me everything is my fault and takes no responsibility

msmith501 · 06/03/2020 04:52

Change of name OP?

Dery · 08/03/2020 15:02

@Chazza2015 @Charmel2015

Why do you love him? He’s horrible to you. Why do you think so little of yourself that you tolerate his nastiness? What relationship models did you have growing up? Whatever they were - your current relationship is abusive.

Whether or not you love him, you need to love yourself more and get out. He’s toxic and will destroy you - emotionally and psychologically, if not physically.

Read ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ by Robin Norwood, which explains how victims of abuse can become addicted to the ecstatic highs and devastating lows of abusive relationships - I’m guessing that when he’s not being vile, he’s love-bombing you. It’s all part of the same destructive cycle.

You need to get out and build your self-esteem so that you don’t tolerate this kind of sh1t again. Probably best not to date until you have massively raised the bar on the treatment you’re willing to accept in a relationship. Don’t let him back in ever - he may well love bomb you if he thinks he’s lost you but he’s been showing you his true colours for four years - that is who he is and it’s unacceptable.

Many MN posters recommend the Freedom Programme for building self-esteem.

You may well find ‘Why Does He Do That?’ useful too.

Try and find some RL support - don’t tell him your plans - he doesn’t deserve to know and he may turn violent. Just get out.

There are loads of lovely men out there but anyway it is far better to be single than in an abusive relationship. Good luck.

Chazza2015 · 08/03/2020 21:03

Growing up, I never had any love from my family, my dad was abusive and my mum chose her new boyfriend over her kids, I think that's why I struggled so much now and will accept anything in a relationship. I wish I had strength and the confidence to stand up to him but I haven't and I love him and care for him but I don't know myself why because of the way he treats me

Dery · 09/03/2020 16:00

There is no future with this man. You cannot possibly have children with someone who is already treating you like sh1t as the abuse will only get worse and will harm not only you but also your DCs. That is an absolute inevitability – don't imagine that fatherhood will change your H for the better – it won't.

It seems like you're waiting to feel ready to act. If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's that you have to take action before you feel ready – the feeling ready will follow once you've embarked on the necessary cause of action.

Your parents' appalling behaviour has clearly harmed you deeply. So you're going to have to love yourself and educate yourself. Fortunately, there are many sources of information and education out there for you: read 'Women Who Love Too Much' and do the Freedom Programme. You might also find 'Why Does He Do That' helpful. Take this in steps.

You have to get away from him – you owe that to yourself. We only have this one life – it's not a dress rehearsal – and you owe it to yourself to live the happiest and most fulfilling life you can. At the moment, because you have been abused and neglected for your entire life, you cannot see how much you are worth. But you are worth so much more than this. Until you can feel that genuinely, you need to fake it – pretend that you think you are worth more than this. Fake it till you make it really works.

Don’t waste your time and energy standing up to him - you won’t persuade him to treat you better because he is an abuser. Spend your time and energy working on getting yourself away from him and to a much better place.

And if you possibly can, get some RL support while you take the steps you need to take in order to free yourself from this man and build the life you were meant to have – where you love and appreciate yourself and will only accept good, loving and supportive treatment for yourself. It will take time to build it – so start now.

12345kbm · 09/03/2020 18:10

OP you're in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately your childhood meant that you never learned what a healthy relationship is and this isn't it. He's abusing you OP and you need to start taking steps to leave.

Here's the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship which tells you what you need to know about divorce. Make sure you read up about your area, as laws vary in the UK.

I second the Freedom Programme as well as contacting your local Domestic Abuse Organisation for help and support. You can find your local one here.

If you have cash, perhaps look into getting some therapy. You might find the BACP useful for finding a therapist.

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