Sh*t times..

[Ezeetiger26]

So basically I got dumped at Xmas when partner of 6 years broke the news he didn’t want to be with me and doesn’t love me ‘like that’ anymore. We have 2 kids, at the time they were 20 months and 4 months and ex partner decided he wasn’t happy and wanted to move out

Fast forward 3 months later and there has been a ‘friend’ at work (she’s 21, he’s nearly 38) that he admits he likes her a lot, finds her attractive etc and there’s been lots of lies and secret messages with her. He was having to live under the same roof as me for a few weeks while sorting out another place to live and took her out for dinner (claiming to have worked late). He refuses to give up on this ‘friendship’ despite me explaining why it upsets me, so soon, and why it was so disrespectful to do that while I was giving him a roof over his head I’m also angry he took her out to dinner when claiming to have no money to contribute towards living in my house and that he would have to owe me it!

He’s also been out drinking with a much younger crowd at work and has done drugs (coke & pills) and has been claiming he’s depressed and suicidal. I’ve tried to help him with getting support and he’s now on antidepressants and had support from the local crisis team but has since cut contact with them. Social services have been involved. I get regular abuse if I challenge him on his behaviour and he often messes me around and offers little help with anything practical. So far I’ve had to chase him to pay me CM and he’s not been giving me his shift patterns at work so I can know when he is seeing the kids. When he does see them he picks and chooses when and how often he’ll see them, always at short notice, and I’m struggling to look after 2 young kids on my own physically, mentally and financially.

He is currently out with friends right now and out again tomorrow night, meaning he’ll have been out 3 times this week alone. His current living situation (room share in house) means he can only see the kids in my house so I am forced to see him at least twice a week. There is no local contact centre accepting referrals and I don’t feel 100% comfortable with him having them on his own. I’ve refused him access before and been given abuse and told I’m making him feel more suicidal.

I feel so sad about the situation and before this all happened I thought everything was ok and he was my best friend. Never thought he would behave like this especially with having 2 young babies. I just want the chance to move on but the current situation and his circumstances stops that from happening. Just wanting someone to tell me that things will get better as feel so lost.

I’ve gone round and round in circles as to what to do for the best but I can’t deny that I need his help looking after the kids. I barely get any sleep and feel exhausted. I now have all the responsibility of looking after a house and dogs on top and have even been trying to work KIT days on maternity leave for extra money as know I will need it now I’m just depending on my own finances. I’m burnt out with all the responsibility and so pissed that he gets to just up and leave when he chooses and he’s got such an active social life and pssing/snorting his money away and messing about with young girls. Annoyingly I also miss him A LOT and feel like I’m grieving him, like the old him is dead. Arrrrrrrgh

I don’t know why I’m writing but know it helps to write it down and wonder if anyone else has been in a similar position
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A*ehole!!!!

So sorry this sounds awful for you. What a selfish man. You deserve so much better!!!! You sound a lovely mum and you are doing your very best. He sounds very childish.
I don't know what else to say but have you got any other family members you could ask for help with the kids so you have a break?

I have no direct experience but didn't want to leave this unanswered. You sound lovely and competent but reasonably totally pissed off at the unfairness that an immature wanker can leave you with all the responsibility.
As you will realise from reading this forum you are definitely not alone! It seems all too common. It will of course get better and you will end up with the love and support of your kids while he gets recognised for what he is.
In the meantime I can't help but feel that he should suffer the consequences more directly. Doesn't he have family he can take the kids to, to give you a break, in a regular way so that you can arrange your life around it. Use the authorities to collect the CMS at source, generally just let the wanker have it straight that he can't be irresponsible at his age with kids.
Others will be along to be more useful but you sound practical and angry, a good combination!

Thanks for the replies. Pog100, he only has his mum and she's not local plus he now won't speak to her as I guess doesn't want her getting on at him. So he's only really got me telling him his behaviour is out of order and when I do I'm met with 'I'm suicidal' or 'I don't have to listen with this' so is basically of the belief that because he's depressed and 'suffering' he should be left to do as he likes! I go from never wanting to see the a-hole again to feeling bad for my kids their dad not being around or having a bad day and admitting defeat and accepting I need his help.

Thankfully I have my mum who has been a great help but I don't want rely on her too much. The days and nights are very long and lonely at times while on maternity leave.

Please please please let karma be real! One side effect of his medication is that it can cause erectile dysfunction so I'm praying for that!!!!! cross fingers X

One side effect of his medication is that it can cause erectile dysfunction so I'm praying for that!!!!! cross fingers

Is he being a pest? Or do you just mean you want revenge in general?

Well, want to see him suffer a little bit.

Jesus, he sounds a total knob, I can’t believe this is the behaviour of a 37 year old man. I know it won’t feel like this at the moment but you are so well shot of him. It must be so hard with two such little ones but you are doing amazingly and it will get easier. Try to make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to in terms of benefits, will your older one get any childcare help at two years? And go through the CMS to deal with his money, you shouldn’t have to chase him.

He is an absolute waste of space but you are amazing (and you’ve kept your sense of humour re ED, sounds like it couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke!)

Let’s break this down. You’ve fairly recently had a baby and your dp dropped on you that he wants to exit the relationship.
Basically, what he meant to say was, ‘I fancy someone else and don’t want any restrictions on seeing her. You and the kids are a ball and chain, however as my new gf and I are just starting out, I obviously can’t just move straight in with her, so instead, I’ll just live with you practically rent and child free until new gf agrees to let me share her bed permanently. In the event of new gf changing her mind then you will be my back up. I’ll just tell you how sorry I am and help a bit more with the kids until I find someone else, in which case I’ll do it all over again.
Sadly, that’s the truth of the situation. Pack up his things and leave them outside the door. Before he leaves for work, punch the front door key off his keys. He won’t be able to get in after work but will have all his things. Apply to child maintenance for maintenance and move on with your life. Do this for you, for your children. Give yourself the respect you deserve. Very soon, you’ll get into a routine with your babies as you’ll have far less emotional turmoil to stress you out. Babies can be tough in a well balanced relationship so why on earth should he get to make it tougher for you because he is a selfish, pathetic poor excuse for a man and father. There are plenty of really good men out there who would jump at the chance of supporting you and your children. Don’t deny those men or yourself that opportunity because of him.

You are me 2 years ago. Ex left at Christmas moved in with new gf. Said his head was a mess so played the sympathy card to keep me in my place. Kept letting the kids down and expected me to be sitting around doing nothing so he could pop in and out as he liked.

It took a lot of strength for me to toughen up. I quickly went to eow and if he missed his weekend tough. I know my children are older so it was easier for me.

Try not to engage. Send a message on Monday asking when he wishes to see the children this week. Plonk them all in the front room and go to bed for an hour. If he try's to change the times say sorry that does t suit me.

Have you looked into benefits and cms. Get them to deal with the maintenance.

Have you got support around you? See you gp. And gather friends around you.

When you want to rant at him write it out but don't send it for 24 hours. See how you feel then.

This does get easier. It just takes time. Be kind to yourself

Thank you all, you've given some really good advice and it's really helped to hear some of you have been through similar. It's shocking how much this goes on

The 21 year old that he won't now give up is his 'rock' and been there for him more than a time else (thanks!) and he sees it as me telling him what to do, not what's morally right in the situation. Plus she has a boyfriend. He needs his friends he says as he has no-one - I'll soon move on so he'll be alone when that happens. What a selfish point of view! Especially when I'll be seeing the tw*t for the next 18 years of our lives!

He forgets though that he's already told me if she was single he'd probably have asked her out and that she was his office crush. So he's been eyeing her up while I was pregnant. Ugh. I've been trying to find out her last name so I can have a chat with her boyfriend about it all.

Sorry to rant but it's therapeutic!!

You are all right that I need to not engage with him anymore. The one silver lining I have is that he's leaving me the house and I need to get back to work before I can sort the mortgage and a transfer of ownership. In the meantime he's living in a sh*t hole, looks like crap, will never afford a deposit for anywhere or a car as keeps going out and is missing precious time with the kids.

I applied for universal credit immediately when the sh*t hit the fan so I could cover my arse and I'm so glad I did. He's currently paying me above the recommended CMS amount hence why I'm getting it from him direct but I may just have to cut my losses on that and go down the formal route.

Thanks again ladies xx

Next time he says he is suicidal, tell him to seek help from his gp and stop engaging with it

Sorry you're going through this OP. My ex used to use his depression and apparent suicidal idealisations as his leverage for every shitty thing he done. He genuinely believed he could do whatever he pleased because he "wasn't well and he deserved a little bit of happiness". He had no thought to the hell he was putting other people through and the fact his behaviour actually ended up costing me my own mental health for a long period of time.

Ultimately, at the end when he started his "woe is me, I'm so sad and can't handle all this" I just told him "Well, I suggest you go tell someone who gives a f*ck and that someone isn't me!"

If they think you are there for them, to help them, fix them, waiting for them to come to their senses, then they are quite happy to keep you around, as it suits them to have you to fall back on. You need to cut that cord and live your own life.

Basically, what he meant to say was, ‘I fancy someone else and don’t want any restrictions on seeing her. You and the kids are a ball and chain, however as my new gf and I are just starting out, I obviously can’t just move straight in with her, so instead, I’ll just live with you practically rent and child free until new gf agrees to let me share her bed permanently. In the event of new gf changing her mind then you will be my back up. I’ll just tell you how sorry I am and help a bit more with the kids until I find someone else, in which case I’ll do it all over again.

spot on 🌺

You sound like you have your head screwed on OP... stay strong and good luck 🌺

How awful for you OP but he’s playing you. He’s keeping you worried about him while he fucks about taking drugs and at the very least, perving over his “friend”. He’s making a mug of you and you need to get angry and stop letting him have it all his way. And I wouldn’t worry about him having the DC on his own —ask him to do that and you won’t see him for dust. And he probs looks crap cos he’s snorting the Columbian marching powder up his nose on a regular basis!

He just sounds like a typical narcissistic personality disorder (or similar) case. He's even triangulating you with another women. It's textbook stuff.

Youd be wise to leave him. They suck the soul out of anyone they are with. I know raising two kids sound hard but everything will start to feel much easier without him about, constantly looking for a way to whip the carpet out from under you.

There are good youtubers on npd like melanie tonia Evan's. Knowledge is power. But never tell him of your suspicions. Its rule 101 when dealing with someone like him (if you call them a narcissist they reverse it onto you). Learn as much as you can. And get as much freedom away from the jerk as possible.

Funny you should say that Doggbiccys as another issue I'm having is I'm getting no break when he's in the house as he likes to get me to help with the kids and he is fine with them for like the first hour then they start to stress him out. Whenever he goes out with them I'm invited but obviously decline cos he can f*ck off and walk them to local places. I'm the only one with a car so he's not using me for that too! Seeing them twice a week he's going to run out of local places to take them x

Thanks everyone for your comments. Obviously I have my down and despair moments but I find reading your comments makes me feel a lot better xx

@Ezeetiger26 - you sound like you are really trying your best. I really hope you can see that you would be better off without him on your own / someone in the future who appreciates you. Focus on your DC and take pride and joy in the fact that you will be so loved by them for it. I have a feeling you are going to get through this and come out the other side whereas he will end up with fek all.