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Original poster

Ex partner visiting kids

17 replies

MaggieReader · 05/03/2020 23:32

I am recently separated from my partner. We have one child together and one who is his but not mine. We aren’t married. I caught him out lying and cheating and kicked him out of our rental. He’s now renting elsewhere but continuing to pay our rent. Both kids are staying with me full time. He won’t compromise on his job to do any meaningful parenting, but insists on visiting every day to play “fun dad” for an hour or two. I don’t want to see him at all but can’t stop him from seeing the kids... however he seems to think that me asking him to visit on fewer days is me “stopping him from seeing them”. He got really angry the other day after letting himself in and finding we weren’t there. We got home from a play date after 8pm (the kids didn’t want to leave), but today he had a go at me (in front of them) saying how dare I keep them out late on a school night! Last night our older child attended a rehearsal which he picked her up from at 9pm and took her for food....which he said was “different” because it was a scheduled activity and not a play date. How dare he come round and criticise my parenting when he refuses to do any actual parenting?! Do I have to let him visit every day? Can I legally stop him? It’s not fair to me or the kids. He has ruined our little family but thinks it’s fine to just pop in when he likes and disrupt our day, and expects us to sit in every evening just in case he shows up? I guess I need to see a solicitor ASAP, but has anyone else had to deal with this scenario? Before I kicked him out he rarely interacted with the kids at all..so in a way it’s good he wants to see them more often, but I can’t help but think it’s all point scoring at the moment.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSummer · 05/03/2020 23:34

Hang on. One child is his but not yours?

Original poster
MaggieReader · 05/03/2020 23:37

Yes. I’ve been her step mum for several years.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2020 23:42

No, of course you don’t have to let him see them at your house, ever, never mind every day. That’s madness. Why isn’t he having them at his at a set time each week?

You need to sort out official contact in a pattern that suits you all. You also need to pay your own rent or you’ll feel you’re beholden to him and it’ll muddy the waters.

If both children are resident with you if he paying child support? Do you have parental responsibility for your step child? Do they want to live with you and visit dad?

ArriettyJones · 05/03/2020 23:42

You need to start mediation with a view to reaching a legal agreement.

Have you had any legal advice?

Where is the older child’s birth mother? Any contact there? I take it you are primary carer? Do you have PR for your DSC? A Residence Order?

If he has been removed from the joint tenancy, then change the lock (just the barrel, videos on YouTube to show you how to DIY it).

Basically, you need some legal resolution because at the moment he is getting everything all his own way.

Original poster
MaggieReader · 05/03/2020 23:56

It is all very recent. Step d’s mum passed away when she was a baby. I have no parental rights (as yet). We have started mediation but it has stalled.
Yes he wants everything on his terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaggieReader · 05/03/2020 23:58

They want to live with me. Older child wants to visit him at weekends but I’m not sure that’s fair on younger child who doesn’t, but wants to spend weekend with her sister. It’s such a complicated situation and I’m feeling stuck and lost.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2020 00:00

Tough shit. He had his chance to be a happy family and threw it away.

What do you want, do you know? Do you want PR for her and for both children to live with you and have contact with their dad? If mediation isn’t going anywhere then you could tell him when the children will be available for him to collect them for contact. You don’t have to let him into your home.

Why isn’t he having them over to where he’s living now? Why didn’t he take his DD with him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2020 00:00

Tough shit was to him wanting things his way, not you or the kids!

ArriettyJones · 06/03/2020 00:01

Start by talking to rightsofwomen.org.uk

They should be able to give you at least pointers. (My guess would be that your very first priority is formalising the legal situation re your relationship with your DSD.)

Original poster
MaggieReader · 06/03/2020 00:06

He has moved into a one bed flat.He didn’t take dd because she wants to stay with me and her sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaggieReader · 06/03/2020 00:12

Priority was to get a job which I have now done so that I don’t have to rely on him for everything. I’ve had no income for a few years whilst looking after the kids. Stupid of me to become financially vulnerable, but you don’t think of these things until it’s too late. He’s agreeing to support us until I can support us.. and then I guess he’ll pay maintenance. He won’t stop nit picking at things I do and say, turning innocent comments into something else... like me asking him to share the burden of childcare became “So you think of the kids as a burden?!” which he said in front of them. I can’t bear it.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 06/03/2020 00:17

I'd sort out your legal position first, if he gets nasty you don't have legal 'rights' to the older child. Morally yes but legally no,

Original poster
MaggieReader · 06/03/2020 00:17

ArrietyJones

Start by talking to rightsofwomen.org.uk

Thank you! I’ll give them a call.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 06/03/2020 00:18

Be less worried about shit he says and angry outbursts.

Is he on the tenancy agreement? If so, he has the right to come in. If he is not then you should immediately end all contact being done in your house. He takes them out somewhere or to his place, like every other single dad. Usually one night in the week and every other weekend.

Original poster
MaggieReader · 06/03/2020 00:19

He’s still on the tenancy and is paying the rent and bills.

OP posts:
Lostlittlesoull · 06/03/2020 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LannieDuck · 06/03/2020 12:48

You need to sort out the legal side of being a residential parent for your step-child. I have no idea how that works, so would suggest asking a solicitor.

And then decide what contact you think would be reasonable for him to have (EOW and an overnight during the week seems to be standard). If he wants more, he can put his case at mediation, or in court. But it needs to be routine - specified nights - and he won't be able to pick and choose.

He opted out of his relationship to you. You no longer have any obligations to him, beyond those legally mandated to allow your children access to their father.

Him continuing to pay your rent is a problem. You'd be better off getting CMS from him, and using that to pay the rent. Then you could take his key away from him because the house would be yours, instead of his.

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