Unconscious DH

[Soupday]

DH lives in a linear world whereby he appears to operate on his routines and that's it. I can ask him several times to do or not to do something and he always says he "forgets" or "doesn't think."
He doesn't appear to think much at all really- to a worrying degree, he seems to bouce from each day to the next without thinking, planning or reflecting on anything. It's all a bit primal to me.
Once he is in the habit of a new routine,he does it really well, but changing or adapting to anything is seemingly impossible for him.
The only way to describe it is its as if he's had a knock to the head and he can't really think or that there is a fault in the wiring in his brain. I am sure he must have some sort of condition.
At times where he needs to "snap out of it" he can do, like seeing friends etc, but on a general day to day basis he seems to drag himself from one task to the next in a slow,steady and thoughtless fashion.
It's getting much worse as he ages too. I can't even get him to plan what we're going to do at the weekend or get him to think ahead financially or make plans together. Getting him to consider the future is heavy mental work for me.
Is there something wrong with him?

Could he be depressed?

Possible depression.
Possible autism
Possible doesn't give a shit and is happy with a life where someone else does all the thinking.

Or possible ADHD - worth reading about.

Thank heavens that he’s got you to do all the thinking and planning for him.

This sounds like me op and I was diagnosed ADD ( ADHD without the Hyperactive element ) last year when I was 41.

I highly recommend looking it up and see if his profile fits.

Has he been like this since you met him? It does sound worrying.

Maybe a trip to the doctor, as you're obviously worried. How old is he?

Does he just float from one menial task to the other and if you challenge his pattern, over react?
If you say you're interested in a holiday destination and show him some ideas, does he fly off the handle?
Or if he has to go a different way to work (traffic/breakdown) does he struggle with this last minute change?
Or is he the opposite - quite calm/robotic in being challenged as if you're in his way of his pattern... either just not responding to you or barely responding with the odd grunt/yes dear, maybe next time, come on, this will get done quicker without you getting in the way attitude unless you snap at him?

Does his forgetfulness extend to his work life?
Or just to the everyday family life tasks?
If the answer is no, and yes respectively, then you have a DH problem.

Sounds like ADHD to me, and yeah it is frustrating to watch and really maddening to have. Especially if you realise the rest of the population isn't like you. It's like having a silent handicap that no-one notices. My mum was the same and I am pretty similar - a kind of chaotic crashing through life without much thought or planning. However I am relatively self aware and am trying really hard to be more organised and sensible as I get older.
If he's not bothered about changing, not a lot you can do.
It doesn't mean he's not bright, by the way. Or that there's something missing. he may have other hidden strengths. But he probably does have different wiring, yes.

I think people just function differently, some people's default setting is to procrastinate, others it's to plod slowly along in a familiar way, others its to be constantly analysing and changing things, others it's to escape into a dream world and do the rest on autopilot. There may be an underlying issue (something that causes brain fog for instance anything from autoimmune to depression to a virus to previous exposure to trauma) or it could just be the way he is. What are his relatives like? If his parents or siblings are like this too I wouldn't think too much of it.

Dh has ASD and you could be describing him. It is getting worse as he gets older too.

My first thought was Autism or depression..... or both. The two often go hand in hand. 💁🏻‍♀️

I have ASD and often get overwhelmed when things get too much, I have to have a timeline, a date to complete tasks or I just can't cope. Simple things get extremely overwhelming. I've had 3, forms I've needed to post for the past month, just sat there. They only require a signature but we aren't at the deadline yet. So the time isn't right.

Thinking of the future brings change and instability. Which I can't cope with so I'll ostrich and ignore.

I'd try and get him to the doctor's, there is support out there for you to see how he feels and for him to manage his expectations.

I'm a bit crap like that and I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago at 41.

A consultant told me that if you drink (except maybe once a month or something) it's worse and you're more likely to develop dementia in later life. I still like a drink though.

I saw a private consultant first about stuff or I would never have thought I had ADHD particularly. I think because I private consultant had already diagnosed it, the NHS were more keen to accept the diagnosis. So that might be something to try if he finds it hard to get a referral.

I also have ASD traits. It does sound like one or the other or both (both is fairly common.) And of course then people get problems with mood because life is more difficult than for the average person.

He's different to the usual, you either accept him as he is or you don't. Some people spend their entire lives being vague and others have very vague periods while the rest of the time they are more involved in what is going on.

There really isn't anything you can do about it. You don't know exactly how he feels inside and he may not be able to express it so is at risk of being misunderstood. Just be kind and get on with your life as a person in your own right.

Thank you @Lynda07 what you have said makes complete sense.
Wow to the ADHD suggestions.
Ironically, I have been suspecting that our daughter has ADHD as she seems to bounce around at speed. As DH is so slow, lethargic and dreamy it had never occurred to me that maybe he has it. Perhaps it manifests differently in adults then?

I wondered about ASD a couple of years ago but on suggesting to DH, he was completely insulted by it. There is no way he would ever see a doctor.

Hi. My DH was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and he sounds very much as you describe your DH. It does manifest differently in adults. It’s very frustrating though. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I didn’t think” or “I forget”. He’s not actually a thoughtless man but he cannot make and stick to a plan with more than one point to it. So he’s just fine to the hospital and was supposed to take a dog leash to try and catch a stray that we’re trying to round up (this has been the main focus of our week) but called me heading home and when I asked why he had forgotten the dog task and also forgotten to take the leash. He’d also forgotten to pay our social security on 1 March so was a day later going to the docs than planned as he had to sort that out first (I insist he pay them as he’s the hypochondriac who needs a regular doctor) which now means that we’re now struggling to do a planned activity today (not to mention now having to go back to the city to look for the dog).

I feel your pain. I do understand he can’t help it (mainly) and my DS has HF autism too so I am reasonably good about accepting them both as they are but I still do sometimes get frustrated. I feel like he could write more down or find some kind of coping mechanism but...that’s just not who he is or how he is wired.

Donkeytail...this !

@perception I also ask DH to write things down if he's forgetful but mine won't do that either. It is so very very frustrating.

Does your DH have a job? Because he sounds very similar to my DB, who can't function at all in life and is unable to hold down a job. In his case, he also has MH issues; he was diagnosed as having schizophrenia, but I suspect he has undiagnosed PTSD; my DSis and I have both been diagnosed with it because of the childhood abuse we suffered so it's highly likely that my DB has it too.

My DB has been assessed as autistic (I have my doubts as he wasn't like this as a young child. But he's now completely unable to think for himself and needs my DM to do that for him. My DH and I used to help him too, but we had to step back from it because of my own MH issues but also because our DD1 (10) has SEN and adoption related attachment issues, so it began to feel like we had a third child, who also had SEN.

Was your DH always like this, ever since you first knew him? If he wasn't and he's changed since you first knew him, I would suspect that he has depression, and in which case he's got used to you doing all the thinking for him. If he has always been like this but has become worse, then I would suggest looking into whether he has ASD or ADHD like your DS. I believe it's the case that ADHD. can be hereditary?

Either way, you both needs to access support, especially as you have a DS with ADHD as well.