Struggling to build relationships with people

[Wantotleave987]

I usually would name change for this but I’m not going to this time.

So I find it really hard to speak to new people and make new friends. It’s like I just can’t speak sometimes or I just don’t know what to say.

I’ve started a new course whilst I’m on maternity leave to learn a new skill whilst I have the opportunity and also to make some new friends but I do find it hard to find common ground with the other learners. I was thinking about starting the night before and I was gearing myself up thinking I’ll go in and be confident and speak to people but then I just thought I know that I won’t and I’m putting this pressure on myself and I know I’ll fail and then I thought I may as well just do what I usually do and stay quiet.

When people talk in a group and everyone in inputting and I don’t speak I feel like it’s really apparent that I haven’t said anything and it makes it 10x harder to speak up.

I find it hard to gel with people I don’t know even though I desperately want to make new friends. I find other people can gel with others they don’t know as well (if they are in the same setting) and get on like a house on fire and chat away effortlessly whilst I’m sat struggling to think of open questions to ask past the basics.

I don’t have many friends in real life and they ones I do I see rarely but chat to every day on WhatsApp. I see my sister gelling with people she meets and going to theirs for coffee and I’d love to just make friends so easily.

In the past when I have been on speaking terms with an acquaintance and wanting to try and get to know them a bit more and tried to make plans but they’ve fallen through last minute and I’ve thought is it me? Am I so boring and uninteresting that no one is that bothered so it puts me off wanting to try make plans again. Or I’ll see my partners friends partners on social media on nights out with another friends partner and I just wish I could be invited along.

I know I sound really desperate but I promise I’m not like this when trying to make friends I’m quite laid back as I’m scared of making a fool of myself.

As I said I’m on maternity leave and I don’t have anyone I can just ring for a coffee or for a stroll round town. I’m going to have a look at joining some baby groups but I’m still faced with the overthinking of what to say.

It’s been something I’ve struggled with for a long time and now it’s starting to get to me, I’m worried about what I’ll be like in the future when my little boy is growing up, will he not be invited to parties and what not because he has a mum who is basically muted in public settings or if he will be like me and have the same struggles

Does anyone have any advice for me

Oh just realised I haven’t name changed back , also sorry it’s long

Bump

Being on maternity leave is a great time to make friends. There will be lots of mothers looking to make friends with other mothers. Even people with loads of friends can find mat leave isolating and many will be really glad to have adult company.

I wouldn't look for friends in baby groups though. I'm outgoing and make friends easily but have never made a lasting friendship from a baby group. Although admittedly I didn't start going till my baby was a bit older. Maybe it's different with a small baby.

Are you pregnant or you have a baby already?

I could have written that post myself. I'm exactly like that. It's social anxiety, you can either try to help it (via therapy) or you can accept it.
I accepted it. I'm by no means saying that's the best thing to do, but I finally feel at peace with myself.
I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice, just wanted to say I know how you feel. X

I’ve had my baby already. I’m quite close to my sister who lives over the road from me but I find she doesn’t always want to keep me company which is fine as she has her own kids and life to deal with.

I’ve just looked u o social anxiety and I think I have it too. I guess I have accepted this is who I am but I do want to at least try to overcome some aspects of it because I just feel isolated and like the loser at school with no mates.
Do you find you get embarrassed quite easy? I do and when I do I blush like blood red and it’s sooooo noticeable and it makes me go even more red so I guess that’s another reason for me to keep quiet just incase I flare up

This book has some very useful tips x

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Start-Conversation-Make-Friends/dp/1451610998?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

When I moved to the town I'm in now, I didn't know anyone and I had a small child.

I found it much easier to make friends with other mums who I knew were also looking to make friends.

There used to be a great meet-a-mum board on Netmums but I think that may have gone now. Mumsnet local is worth a look in case there's a meet up near you, but it wasn't very active at all last time I looked.

There might be some Facebook groups near you for mums maybe? Have a search and see what you can come up with. There's one near me. Or, join some of the massive Facebook groups for mothers, and do a post asking if anyone fancies meeting up who lives near you? I bet you'll get some posts! Disclaimer! Just like dating, if you meet people off the internet you need to meet them in a public place and tell someone where you're going. And don't get too hopeful about making a lasting friendship on every "date".

Are you familiar with the concept of gentle parenting, and does it appeal to you? If so, there's a massive gentle parenting Facebook group I'm in and just this week they sorted the group into regions and encouraged women to get to know each other. My local group are arranging a meet up with babies in tow in the park next week.

If you're interested in this, PM me and I'll join you to the group.

I found meet-ups like this much easier for meeting people as we knew we were all there as we wanted to meet new people, that was the purpose.

Talking of purpose, having a purpose for being somewhere can help massively if you feel socially awkward in my experience.

Do you think it might be less anxiety-inducing if I'm you're interacting with people for a reason? Then there's much less pressure on "performing" socially and a ready made topic of conversation.

Like volunteering, for example. Is there a cause you're passionate about? Are you political at all? Or is there something you'd get satisfaction out of helping with?

I've made lots of friends through political activism. There's a real feeling of being in it together, that builds over time. And there's space for quiet people as you all come together for a purpose, and that isn't to be social necessarily but to get a job done together.

There will be loads of volunteering opportunities out there, in all sorts of areas. Maybe have a look at what you might like to get involved with? There might be things you can bring your baby to.

This is me and I can't even think of anything else to contribute to the thread!

It’s so hard isn’t it sometimes I find myself replying to things on mumsnet or Facebook and I re read it a thousand times to make sure it makes sense and it’s not going round the houses and doesn’t sound stupid but 90% of the time I just delete it to save myself the anxiety.

I’ll have a look at that book, I just wish I was easily able to do it like others are. I think back in my younger day I wasn’t so much like this as when memories pop up in Facebook I think wow as if I wrote that. I guess it was when I really didn’t care but I care too much now haha

Have you thought about meditation- there are guided meditations on you tube for overthinking - I think you are doing that and getting yourself into a state of anxiety.

No I haven’t considered that. I looked up social anxiety on google and it gives you an option for self referral for counselling. So I’m going to give that a whirl