Found my boundaries

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Just wanted to share. I’m really proud of myself today. After my divorce I met a new guy 9 months ago. We had been taking it slow but he’s been tweaking my boundary wires a bit but nothing big enough for me to be decisive. We got to Valentines Day and had arranged to see one another round my place. I got him a card and made a nice meal (it took me ages) and bought the makings of cocktails. He didn’t get me even a card. I was pretty hurt but I didn’t argue. However in the intervening time it’s nagged at me and I eventually brought it up. He said he thought hard about it and realised I’d be upset if he didn’t but he’d been let down on this by so many past girlfriends (I did know about these past issues) that he just couldn’t.

I dumped him this morning. I will admit to a twinge of “oh fuck” and guilt. However he did something he knew would upset me. I couldn’t let that go.

Oh wise Mumsnet please confirm I haven’t over reacted!

I should add that there was time for him to apologise or offer to make it up to me and he did neither.

If he'd have explained to you on Valentine's Day the reason he hasn't got you a card, or even said any excuse other than 'I knew you'd be upset' I would say you'd overreacted. But he knew it'd upset you and chose not to do it anyway so well done you for having your limits and sticking to them.

I think you've done the right thing and that he'd use the 'past issues' as reason for doing/not doing things. Hard to build a relationship on that.

I think you done the right thing. He hurt you but didn’t seem to care.

You did the right thing!

Good for you! He actually gave it thought and then chose the option he knew would upset you - not a keeper.

I don't get his excuse

You did the right thing - and I'd have dumped him on Valentine's Day, whatever his explanation had been. I am the sort of person who will spoil a partner at any opportunity, and I want the sort of man who will do that too, so if a man doesn't, then we aren't suited.

He deliberately did something he knew would hurt you. You’ve done the right thing

Oh yes. You did right.

For one thing, anyone with alleged tons of baggage from previous relationships that stop them treating new partners with trust or affection or within normal relationship expectations (as in your case) , is not fit to be dating at all.

It's not a new partner's job to prove they're not like someone's ex(es) or make up for previous experiences. It's not a new partner's role to cure their past, accept less than normal in a relationship or tolerate fuckwittery because someone's "been hurt before".

He is not treating you right!

What did he mean by he had been let down by so many girlfriends and why did that mean he felt he couldn’t get you a card?

Well done anyway, you did the right thing.

Thank you wise ladies.
Apparently buying valentines cards sets off his anxieties. I believe him and if he’d discussed it with me beforehand I’d have been ok with it. It was the fact that he realised his issues were causing him to do something that would directly result in my being upset and he didn’t try and alter that course. I am pretty understanding about “issues” as long as they don’t cause someone to behave like an uncaring twat.

Proud of you OP... do not accept shit standards for some else's hang ups... 🌺

Apparently buying valentines cards sets off his anxieties.

For crying out loud! And yet upsetting his girlfriend doesn't set off his anxieties? And turning up for a meal on Valentine's Day without a card or anything does set off his anxieties, either?

The anxiety thing sounds like bs
Good work op

You've made a very, very wise decision.

Well done OP!

I presume he knew you were going to all this effort as you were cooking for him. He made no effort at all, on your first valentine's. That he did nothing after seeing all you did speaks volumes. You did good letting him go.

He was allowing his past relationships to effect his current relationship which is unhealthy and suggests he needs to work on himself before his next relationship.

None of that is your problem and you don't need to be putting up with crap behaviour in such a new relationship.

*affect