Abusive husband says it’s not his fault

[new0rules]

I have another thread on here. Last night I told my dh that it was over and I don’t feel the same way any more (have stuck it out a long time but his tantrums and sulks have jsut made me check out, probably happened a while ago but now even during a lovely holiday/on the brink of a relocation he is threatening to leave me literally whenever we argue and I just have had enough of it. It’s no life.

Basically his response was “poor me”. He is on anxiety medication and has recently started therapy for anxiety, he is probably a worrier but to me anyway I feel like his “anxiety” manifests as verbal abuse, control and manipulation and while he might have some anxiety, he is in fact just not behaving very well in interpersonal relationships and despite his age and status, he is very immature. He acts like a spoiled teen- think tantrums, eye rolls, going on his phone when I’m upset and trying to continue a discussion, mocking comments, disproportionate threats, extremely sensitive to criticism. Two months after we got married, after HE stormed off on a family day off and I didn’t come home as I wanted to enjoy the day, that evening he took his ring off and said he wanted a divorce. He’s done similar since, in fact every time we argue he escalates it there. The other day I said something that annoyed him and within an hour it was “I’m not coming home tonight”, “I’m done”. This is all while his work are preparing to offer us an international relocation... which clearly, I have no intention of doing with him. I guess my point is he tries to control me through threats and tantrums of his own making, then wonders why I don’t want to be with him or make plans with him any more.

Anyway, last night it was all “I feel there’s two people inside me- the bad one makes me do things I don’t want to do”, “this isn’t me”, “it’s so unfair”. To me it’s like he’s trying to absolve responsibility of his actual self for his behaviour. I don’t think he is saying he is schizophrenic or anything, I think he is telling me he doesn’t recognise that our shit situation is down to his behaviour and refusal to change, and that in fact this is beyond his control.

Do abusive men use anxiety/mental health as an excuse? Am I on the money here? I am very compassionate and in the past this stuff would’ve got to me, made me want to help, but now I see it as more evidence of how fucked up he is.

He is using his mental health to manipulate you

Absolutely. I had a thread on here recently asking the same question as a good friend of mine has a husband who is abusive and controlling and his 'excuse' is his mental health. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and bi polar and she is choosing to stay with him at the moment as she believes it is his MH making him behave this way. However he has always displayed jealous and controlling behaviour even before his most recent breakdown & diagnosis and this behaviour only seems to be directed towards her, not others in his life. I'm very worried for her.

Good luck with getting away from your H and starting a new life.

OP, it really doesn’t matter why he does it. The fact is he does.
Don’t waste your time and energy trying to analyse his behaviour.
You don’t want to relocate abroad with a partner who makes your life miserable.
That’s fine - it just takes one person to decide a marriage is over. That person is you.
See a solicitor and get the ball rolling. Put this grin marriage out of its misery and move on. There is a future waiting for you, and it can be a much happier one.

Grim, not grin, obviously. Sorry.

Totally sounds like using it as excuse - most people manage to be anxious without being controlling and melodramatic.

My ex to an absolute T op.
Best day was when I threw him out after years of threats.

He used his depression to be a twat.
Ltb op. And don't look back.

@windyatthebeach can I ask what the last straw was for you?

I have a solicitor appt tomorrow. H doesn’t know.

Whether or not it's his fault, it doesn't have to be your problem.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I had an ex who was horrible to me at times for no reason. I suffered the same shit as you. I was near suicidal with his nastiness towards me for no reason.

After he stormed out and roared off in his car one day after kicking off about a cup of coffee I made him, he phoned from wherever he parked up to apologise and I told him unless he went to the doctor and got medicated we were through.

He went. Took about a month for it to work but he was much better on citalopram. Like a different person.

Perhaps you need to have a similar conversation about how both of you are unhappy and that he should visit his GP for advice and meds.

They may turn him into the guy you used to love. If not or if he won’t go then get him to fuck as you only have one life and deserve better.

Be very careful though. There are plenty threads on here about guys getting violent when their wife has had enough and tells them she is leaving. Talk to womens aid re your rights, money etc.

He is using his MH issues to control and manipulate you and treat you like shit.. Think about any women you know with anxiety. Does theirs manifest itself like this? I bet not.

Good luck at your solicitor appointment and for being proactive. It's no way to live.

Only you can decide if you want to stay in a relationship with him. If you feel you cant do any more then you have every right to end the relationship, without judgement. All i would say is MH issues can be broad and complicated. I dont know either of you but i have had experience of a wide spectrum of MH issues, including some of my own. They are not always easy to explain or understand and can manifest themselves in strange and not so nice ways.

If you decide to give it another try, i would advise doing so on the basis he explores his MH issues further as there could well be further underlying issues, in addition to the anxiety. On the otherhand he could just be a knob and using his anxiety as an excuse!

Based on what you have said i would tend to agree with most that he is using the anxiety issues as an excuse but like i said, no one on this thread knows him and if his MH issues havent been fully explored its impossible to say for sure that there isnt something else going on.

I have anxiety and depression.
It doesn’t make me eye roll or throw tantrums. I don’t make threats or mock those I love.
He’s an arse.
You deserve so much better than this.

Does he have a personality disorder?

I also have anxiety meds and don't use them as an excuse to be a complete and utter tool.

Even if he was to get help, and you were to stay together, do not move away from everyone and everything you know.

I have anxiety and fibromyalgia and I spend a lot of time on medication and feeling like shit. It does not give me an excuse to roll my eyes at or antagonise my husband. You deserve better than this, I hope your solicitor was able to give you some helpful advice.

He's an arsehole OP. They'll use every trick in the book. Threatening suicide is another thing they use to manipulate women, sisters mention that on here quite a bit. If he mentions that one at all, just call his bluff and dial 999.

Good work in making a solicitor's appointment- it's the right decision. xxx

My abusive ex used his depression to manipulate, and after DC and I left, he made suicide "attempts" to try and drag me back.

Didn't work with me, but he tried it on with DD, which I will never forgive him for. However, he doesn't know we have black and white proof he lied about that episode. Keeping that up my sleeve in case he tries anything else.

Do abusive men use anxiety/mental health as an excuse?

Yes. It is literally in textbooks about domestic abuse. Maybe take a look at the Freedom Programme.

Also, schizophrenia is not what you seem to be suggesting.

I walked into my psychiatrist office 5 years ago and said that exact sentence he said: two people inside of me, bad and good. Psych said I don't need to hear anymore, that is called a split and is a common part of borderline personality disorder.
Everything else you've described is also classic behaviour. Could be written about me. Back then. Not now. A counsellor, medication and cbt helped me turn my life around. I feel for you. And him. It's a horrific condition where half your mind is not your own. And yet it is. But it is very treatable.

Or, @Poppy54, he could be lying to excuse his shitty behaviour.

Am amazed your psychologist diagnosed you in a split second too 🙄

Wanted to give you a 👋 in solidarity, my H is exactly the same, even down to the potential for international relocation.

I threw him out six weeks ago after an hour long stream of abuse from him because I’d asked him to consider pausing his Amazon music subscription. He needs it for his art apparently 🙄.

These have been the hardest six weeks I can remember, but there hasn’t been one minute where I have regretted throwing him out.

I’d concur with other posters that you would be wise to speak to Women’s Aid or your local DA group about how to make sure you stay safe when you break it to your H (neutral space, away from bathroom and kitchen etc etc)

Best of luck xx

OP, who cares!
He's a horror of a man and the sooner you get away from him the better.
Keep that appointment....its the pathway to a better life.

last night it was all “I feel there’s two people inside me- the bad one makes me do things I don’t want to do”, “this isn’t me”, “it’s so unfair”.

Tbh if someone said that in my hearing my eyes would roll back so far, I'd be worried about them returning to their original position.

Maybe that makes me ignorant re. Psychological issues but it just sounds like such "incapable of taking responsibility for self" bullshit.

Op my ex husband had anxiety and used to behave badly and blame it all on his illness and therefore his behaviour was ok and it was me at fault for not understanding.

Some of his behaviour was things like endless arguments about pass events. We could be sitting relaxing and he would start shouting at me about something from 5 years ago.

He made it difficult for me to see friends on my own. Wanting to be there or wanting me to check in continually. If he let me go and then I couldn't be out late - caused him to much stress

Not aloud to take phone calls with family without him in the room.

Life became very hard and very small. Lots and lots of being shouted at all the time.

Eventually I stopped playing by his room and his behaviour got even worse so if you are planning to leave - don't tell him as I tried to have reasonable conversation stating what I wanted to do but you can't reason with someone who is ill in this way.

So finally I left because I wasn't safe and it took a police call out after a public incident. But it wasn't on my terms. I become homeless overnight and had to start again with 2 hold all's and spent months negotiating to get my possessions back and he would never give me our photos - again control. So prepare and be ready but don't tell him