Will I ever get over this?

[OMGMyLifeIsCrazy]

Short version of a long story...my husband and I separated 8 months ago because I wasn't cheating on him. Mental health on his side as he believed I was cheating and lying about it. I am not that sort of person and never have been and our life was hell for the two years I tried to convince him. His psych has told me that he will probably never realise the truth.
It's been 8 months and we still see each other most days as friends/parents. He wasn't that good of a partner for the majority of our 20 year relationship but I just don't know how to get over the whole thing. I hate going out. I get anxious travelling anywhere more than ten mins away. I cry every day when the kids are at his and many days when they are at mine. I can't concentrate on work. My self esteem is non existent. I look in the mirror and hate the weathered shattered person staring back at me.
Will this ever get better? I know people are going to say I have to go no contact but I'm so lonely when I try. I spent the last two years looking for his approval every minute of every day and I'm still looking for it. I'm still waiting for him to say what an idiot he's been. Feeling so very lost.

It sounds like you haven't pulled away from the marriage still and he is probably quite enjoying that too. You've put him first for the last 20 years and still are by the sounds of things so you need to start thinking of yourself. Do you have many friends? Start making plans to look forward to (that don't include him). What are your hobbies/enjoyments? Make time for those. I really do think you need to try and cut contact. Maybe reduce it over time? It sounds like you still get along as your spending so much time together which probably makes it harder to let go.x

Orangelocket, we do get along and I just can't move on while knowing that he thinks this unspeakable thing of me. And I say unspeakable because the topic is like saying Voldemort out loud. I am not allowed to talk about it and if I do mention it, he gets angry. I get no joy from being around him because his meds make him quite unresponsive a lot of the time. I am just drowning in my own sadness. I put up with so much during our long relationship and then to have it end over nothing. It's eating me up. I know I'm better off without him but for some reason, I just feel like I'm slowly dying of a broken heart.

Lonely? Friends! You need friends.

Make your life stupidly busy full of clubs, courses, hobbies, volunteering.

Keep yourself so busy you don't have time to think about him. Ideally doing activities that make you feel good about yourself. Meanwhile you will make friends in the new context.

I definitely do need friends. My self esteem is just so bad though that I just struggle to make the next step with friendships. My best friend of thirty years passed a few years ago and when I'm chatting with people, I often say we should catch up for lunch /coffee etc. But then, if I text or call and they don't answer, my mind immediately thinks they must dislike me. I feel that I'm just to insecure at the moment to make friends and I don't know how to get past that. I work 100% from home so meeting people at work is out. Funny how a kids, we make friends so easily and as we get older (or at least in my case), just can't seem to.

That's why you join clubs! No agonising about meeting up for coffees or whatever.

You know that at 7pm on a Tuesday you meet Bob, Clara and Dave at Intermediate Siamese Cat Folding.

On a Friday 5-8 you know you will be helping Janice and Kevin muck out at the local Giraffe sanctuary.

Wednesday you are at the jogging on slippery surfaces fitness club where you often chat to Orla and Penelope.

Offer people lifts, always get there early so you can chat.

If you work at home it is vital that you build many group activities into your life.

@SillyHousewife @OMGMyLifeIsCrazy (have you NC’d?)

“we do get along and I just can't move on while knowing that he thinks this unspeakable thing of me.”

The thing is, difficult as it is, you need to move on irrespective of what he thinks of you. Saying you can’t move on until he changes keeps you stuck. Don’t give him that power. He is not responsible for your recovery. You are. This is your chance. You sound so ground down and it sounds as if the relationship was verging on abusive perhaps actually abusive. It clearly harmed you: you’ve had your energy drained from you. You’ve spent years dancing to his tune and seeking his validation and it’s harmed you badly. It’s a deeply engrained habit but you need to break it now and create new habits where you live for yourself and do the things you enjoy and that interest you. This is how you will get over your sadness.

Start now. You won’t feel ready yet but I’ve learnt that in life you need to start before you feel ready. Motivation will start to come after you’ve got into your new good, self-caring habits and started to feel the benefit of them.

Take back your power. Don’t waste any more time on this man. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal. Don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. Now is your chance to build a life based on your needs. Embrace it with a smile and a spring in your step. That is how you will move forward. It will also make you a fantastic role model for your kids.

Gosh this sounds so hard OP, I feel for you. I agree building friendships and activities will help but also I wonder if you can access some counselling for yourself? Might there be co-dependency issues (sorry, don’t know much about it)?

It is really difficult, but you need to stop speaking to him every day. Communicate only when you need to about the kids. It might also be worth having a chat to your GP, because it sounds like you might be (understandably) depressed. As someone else said, look at joining a club. Find a choir that doesn't require you to be a great singer (there are tons out there) because singing boosts endorphins and say hello to people.

Believe me, you will find, once you are no longer constantly trying to get him to believe you didn't cheat, you will find that you do feel happier. Take up a new hobby and join a knitting group, or decoupage or something. Concentrate on you and you will regain your self-esteem.

How old are your DCs? Do you need to see him most days? I have as little contact with my ex due to the demands he was putting on me...it was just an extension of his controlling behaviour.

Have you thought of counselling? This may help you sort your feelings and make you stronger. It's still early days so please don't be too hard on yourself.

My heart goes out to you.

It seems impossible right now but give yourself a break here. It's been 8 little months. Following a 20 YEAR relationship that has ended in a way that makes you feel horrendous and accused of something you never did.

Most of us would be in bits. Most of us wourl cry. A lot. Most of us would wonder how the hell we're going to get through it. You're only human. What you're feeling is completely normal.

If there really is no going back or a way to salvage your marriage then you have to be tough, be brave and march on. Millions of women do it and after the pain and the tears and the panic, comes the calm and the new and the happy. You can do it and you will. Above posters advice about clubs is brilliant.

But give yourself time to heal first. Lick your wounds. Know you did everything you could. You haven't failed here. Take time and accept you will hurt badly for a while but it will pass. Also, freedom will.come from.accepting that your DH will never believe your innocence ... so stop trying to make him.believe and gain his approval. It's all in his head and time has proven there is nothing you can do about that, so let it go.

Sending you strength and hugs xx

Thanks for the reassuring words everyone. I sort of wish that I did have an affair because at least then I might have someone else to lean on emotionally. Our wedding anniversary is in a couple of days. I'm thinking that maybe I should craft up a book with both our names on it "The Story of XXX and XXX" and then just have a single page in it that says - The End. Maybe the symbolism will help me move forward.
MorningNinja - my kids are both early teens. Very well balanced despite the drama. My dr has given me a referral to a counsellor. Apparently they have a long waiting list but he assured me that I will move up the list quickly. He thinks I have a form of PTSD as a result of the toxic environment I was in for a couple of years.
Thanks again everyone for your thoughts. While I'm not feeling much better today, it is nice to have a place to voice the thoughts that are bouncing around my head.

@Dery, I have had problems with one of my accounts and weirdly enough, my posts now toggle between my original account and one I created when I couldn't access the first. It's very odd. All my posts on this thread have been from the same phone using the Talk App but for some reason, it says two different names. It will be interesting to see what this one posts as.