Why on earth do I miss them so much?

[GeekyGirl42]

In August, I ended a 2 year relationship because my partner was aggressive towards my 10 year old daughter, didn't like her, on one occasion hit her, on another occasion broke my things to intimidate me, was extremely critical of me and threatened to hit me. It was clear that staying in this relationship was going to mean a very poor outcome for my daughter, and I was feeling about 2 ft tall if that makes sense.

My ex was also the love of my life, and we had, especially at the start of the relationship, so many wonderful experiences.

When our relationship ended, I was scared of her, and my anxiety level in the weeks after was very high.

I am so clear that what I miss is some internal idea is her, not who she actually is. So I won't be going back. But why, when it was so bad at the end, am I missing her so much and hurting so much? I just want to move on.

You just need more time. Use the next 6 months to focus on improving yourself, find your inner happy, and one day you will not think about her in such an intense way.

She isn't the love of your life, she's vile.

Thanks, I suppose it really doesn't help that I've been pushing so hard to "sort my life out" that now I'm facing moving (selling and buying) and leaving a job I love for one I will hopefully love just as much and for lots more money. Looks likely I'll be exchanging contracts first week of new job!! Both really positive things, but incredibly stressful and not giving me much breathing space.

Traumatic bonding?

Look into counselling regarding the domestic abuse.

She hit your child, you did right to leave.

Well done for putting your DD first and ending things. Your ex is bloody lucky you didn't report her for hitting your DD.

Have you had a look at the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid. You can do this online. (I'm not sure if you're male or female but learning how to set and enforce boundaries, spot red flags, and assess risks is relevant to anyone.)

I suspect the reason you miss her is that you're actually mourning the person you thought she was, that she pretended to be at the start in order to charm you. Abusers are not stupid - they can put on the mask for a long while but once they think you're trapped, the mask will start to slip.

I bet if you look back you'll see an escalating pattern of control and abuse.

I've just noticed your username and realised that Duh me, yes you are female!

Yes, that's right, we're both female. Did the freedom programme (very heteronormative and needs to be, but same sex domestic violence is a very real and prevalent problem). Useful still - I didn't and will not go back!

I think you are right about the mask. Oddly enough, the escalation started very soon after she moved in.