I'm pretty sure Dp knows he has to stay away but only tells me last minute and it's driving me mad...

[ChillyKidneys]

I work FT in London and rent a small (but perfectly formed!) apartment with my one child left at home who is in yr13. I also own a property 90 mins away, a larger house which happens to be (coincidentally) in the city dp grew up in. Idea being once yr13 SN child goes to uni, I will spend more time in the house and probably let the apartment go.

Dp lost his job last year and has been doing some work for friend's companies but for v little money though he keeps promising me they will give him equity (I will believe it when I see it). I have a v long hours, stressful job - I commute by train and Dp and I share one car. I like to know what Dp is doing and where he will be in case I need to give yr13 SN child a lift to his clubs.

Dp, once a week for the last 4 weeks, has been going up to the house and 'working' on his friend's projects (they all live in the city where the house is). I know when he goes he wants to stay the night - he gets the house to himself and can do what he wants. But every time he goes, he tells me he's coming back. And every single bloody time he starts making excuses late evening - so either saying ' you must be tired, I don't want to come back late so I'll stay here so I don't disturb you' or 'my meeting only finished now and there's dreadful traffic and I've arranged a meeting at 8am here tomorrow to save me coming up again' etc etc

I know it sounds ridiculous but if he told me before he went up that he planned on staying, I genuinely would not give a monkeys. But the fact that he makes out that it's all about saving me being disturbed or better for me that it saves a trip for him is actually making me really pissed off.

I just cannot stand people who can't tell the truth and play with your emotions - have I lost my mind or would this wind you up too? I even said this time, are you going to stay? And he said no, I can't wait to see you later so I'll be back by 8 and it's 9 now and I'm just waiting for the 'sorry my meeting just finished and it's a bit late to drive back'

How long ago did he lose his job? Is your house and the car and everything else you provide enabling him to pursue the low paid but potentially lucrative pipe dream?

I get you and it would definitely annoy me. The thing about making it as if he's doing you a favour is infuriating!
It's hard to put into words but your evening has a different feel to it if you think someone's coming and then they don't.
If you know for sure, then do whatever, slob/ drink wine /watch tv/ catch up on chores, work whatever it's is, you're not factoring someone in and it's 100% your choice.
I know that I can do all of the above with DH here, and he wouldn't bat an eye, but my choices might be different iyswim.

It's disrespectful, almost like standing you up although not quite in the same league, the feeling is the same.

You’ve been too generous to him. He’s cocklodging.

He could find a paying job to support himself financially.

Wouldn’t loan him your car to go on pseudo work trips and chill in your house.

I think you're being a bit ott if it's just one evening a week. I'd just assume that he's staying there and if he comes back he comes back. He may have every intention but after a long day decides that it isn't worth coming all the way back for him to have to go early in the morning.

If these friends want him to do the work they can give him travel expenses either car hire or train or???

No more car...

If these friends want him to do the work they can give him travel expenses either car hire or train or???

No more car...

So he gets to please himself, stay in the house alone, cook what he likes, watch what he likes on TV... and has the gall to pretend he’s doing you a favour? It’s the dishonesty that would annoy me.

He's cocklodging in your house without you even there, and gets the car as a bonus

I think you’re right.

Take the car and his keys to the house OP. He doesn't get to use it anymore as some sort of bolt hole.

Take back control, he's taking the piss.

That would really piss me off.

He’s using your car, your house, disrespecting you, your time and your plans.

Is there any chance he’s seeing someone else when he’s there?

COCKLODGER (sing to the tune of Rock Lobster).

@Stuckandsadintheupsidedown actually said, I'm just wondering if you actually might be seeing the real him rather than a depressed him iyswim

You read it that he might be depressed - I think she and I are reading it that this is the 'real' him which he is revealing to you now.

I wondered if it was a couple of years getting his feet under the table then taking redundancy / making it clear he's the one to let go so he can do fun stuff while you pay.

Take his keys to the house off of him until he can prove he's been open with you. I hate sneaky cowardly behaviour like this.

I think it is time for you two to go back to dating. He can get his own place and you can stay over with him now and then. When did he move in?

And he doesn't have to stay overnight. He wants to.

Doesn't he have a house or a flat of his own?

Are you sure he isn’t taking the car because it stops you driving up and checking up on him and what he is doing

It will have taken 2 years for you to really get to know him...I suspect as others said, this is the real him.

What you describe is manipulative behaviour..that's why you feel very uncomfortable.

What is his relationship history like?

What @Oliversmumsarmy said with bells on!!

Can you make a surprise visit when he’s there some weekend? In your shoes I’d assume he’s entertaining someone, and would need to resolve that.

Do you ever use the distant house or just him?

Just dump him.

Get a tenant in your country house. He leaves you little choice, when he’s not bringing in money. Either way, change of locks in order.

And yes, this behaviour boils my piss too. Families are complicated to schedule, you don’t get to be spontaneous and act on a whim. Or reward yourself randomly with ‘me time’ when your partner is going it alone with the kids and work.

If you’re really feeling generous, warn him ahead of him going up there that the locks have changed. Or just wait for him to figure it out. After all, you had no word he’d be using the place so it wasn’t relevant or urgent to mention it, was it?

Let me see...

You work a full-on job with a long commute.
You look after your special needs child when you get back.
You pay the mortgage, bills and (presumably) most of everything else.
You let him use your car and your house.

Do you also cook, clean, do his laundry?

And he pisses about doing odd jobs for friends?
And gets to spend a nice leisurely couple of days chillaxing at your other property once a week?

And all you are worried about is that he plays totally predictable mind games about staying away. Surely you know that you have bigger things to worry about. He is a blatant cocklodger, pure and simple.

An ex of mine would do things like this. Not tell me things and 'pretend to remember' at the last minute. In his case the reasons were twofold.

1. It was a form of control. I couldn't do anything because I didn't know where he would be or whether he would be back. I couldn't, for example, make arrangements to go out assuming he would be back (because he told me he would) and needed him to take over childcare, because he quite often wouldn't turn up, and

2. If he told me what he was going to do, then there was the chance that I'd be annoyed and he literally couldn't deal with me seeing him in a less than positive light. Which I guess is just another form of control.

Any of that ring true in your case, OP?

Did he come back to yours like he promised @ChillyKidneys

I sincerely hope the OP is too busy getting his shit together so he can move asap to respond, but will be back soon to update.