Trying not to dislike my brother

[EndDays]

I feel disloyal even saying this, but sometimes I really struggle with feeling like I dislike my brother. He is lovely in lots of ways, but there are things about his life I just struggle to accept and not get involved in. I think he is probably a cocklodger and I feel sorry for his girlfriend. I struggle with wanting to stick up for her a lot. I always remind myself my loyalty should be to him but if he was not my blood I'd always be on the woman's side. Especially as I feel like he's taking the piss out of her a lot. I don't struggle with these issues with other people who have had issues, but it's like it would be easier to accept a major mental illness or a serious one time fuck up than this just low level poor treatment of his girlfriend. We have nearly had a row a couple of times where he's asked my opinion and not liked what I said so I try and stay out of it now but it's getting harder because he gets really annoyed if me and my family members don't agree with him (because we should be loyal to him) and even suggest he might be being a bit shit to the girlfriend. I feel like I'm biting my tongue a lot and I just want to wrap her in cuddles, tell her she deserves more and be a 'sister' to another 'sister' not be stuck in the middle as an actual sister. I get it's not my place, but i am struggling to empathise with him (even though that's usually my natural instinct to try to understand).

Everybody just acts like his shit don't stink and we're all meant to share in that lie

@RandomMess

Yes I do always seem to be scapegoated. Can't ever get it right.

Distance yourself from all of them...

Who needs to be the scapegoat forever!

@RandomMess

You're probably right lonely though

Maybe that's why I keep coming away from family occasions wanting to cry because it's just not good for me.

I’d 100% tell her to leave like I told my dads wife.

Dh brother is an absolute shit with women and his entire family let him get away with it. I won’t even be in the same room as him anymore.

End days it is lonely ☹️ but eventually you will be happier

Do you have a partner or DC?

@Emptywallet

I think that's basically how I feel Now. Like my loyalty to my brother has its limit and where that ends is at letting him treat women like shit. It's exactly why we fell out before now that I've written it down it's so much clearer. Obviously I put my role as a woman who supports other women above any man, even when he's my blood and she's not. He was with her when the shit happened before with the OW and not sure she knows the full story about that either. She knows he cheated, but not sure if she knows that the OW thought she was his girlfriend.

Is he basically misogynistic and therefore as a woman you also deserve to be treated like shit...

@RandomMess

No partner we broke up because he was a shit. I would really love to not think all men are shits as I have 2 sons but it's getting harder. I wouldn't accept this from them or a Partner. I really can't abide cheating (and I have been cheated on). I'm not sure I can get past it. It's really insensitive of them really to suck me in the middle, when they know I'm pretty hard line when it comes to cheats and trust and would rather be a single parent than forgive ex partner. Not sure if my brother wants my approval to keep putting her through hell or just wants me to blow up and case a row so he gets to be nasty to me again

@RandomMess

Yes basically I think his misogyny is the issue. It's not just in his relationship, but if he can have his "main chick" and "side chick" shit show and all the other women in the family making excuses for him why would he be anything other than misogynistic. He is very good looking I'm told, and also charming, charismatic. He seems to not have much respect for jobs or women because he sees them as just always there waiting for him when he's in the mood.

Just step away from the insanity.

They know your hard stance so if you are on "his side" then clearly the GF should forgive and forget...

If he battles you down then you are wrong and he is right.

Keep your DC away from him and his dysfunctional harpies.

He gets money out of everyone to get designer clothes and money to go out because he has a good job. Then sacks the job off because he wants to go party. Sleeps with somebody else. Comes home to the girlfriend. Sob story to rest of the family about whatever excuse. Pays nobody back. Wants everybody to tell him he's still a nice guy (because of his self esteem issues). Causes family tensions and rows. Rinse and repeat

@RandomMess

You're probably right. I didn't realise how angry I was with him tbh. It's like the flood gates just opened. This is why I had to go Nc before because no matter how badly he treated me and other people, he was always the wounded one and I just needed to put my big girl pants on

X Posts

OMG

He is the golden child, run for the f*cking hills as fast as you can!!!! Keep your DC away from the lot of them...

I don't talk to my brother anymore because of things like this. I generally don't like him as a person so we have no contact. He thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. I've been invited to his wedding and really don't want to go but it would upset my mum. I totally get where you're coming from. My advice would be to go low contact because his girlfriend would have left by now if she was going to and it's just going to cause more friction if you're involved with that side of things

@RandomMess

I think that's it you know. I don't think they can see him as he is at all he literally can't do any wrong, and I can't do any right.

Enddays I wonder if we know the same bloke?

My end line was when bill bought his lovely new girlfriend to a wedding. Bil has cheated on his wife for the entire 20 years he was with her and they were now just divorced. New girlfriend was a bit drunk and started asking me about his ex, said that bil didn’t deserve to be treated like that, how could sil cheat on some one so lovely...’ I told her I thought she had her wires crossed. They went out side and had a row. But she swallowed up his bullshit. A few months he actually asked for my mates number, I told him to fuck off. He was living with girlfriend at this point.

Six months down the road they split up and he manages to get hold my friend - she starts dating him despite that I’d told her he’d been trying to get her number whilst living with some one.

One day a random woman messaged me asking where he was as he had vanished off the face of the earth a couple of weeks ago. She’d been seeing him for four months. I told my friend about this odd message and she ignored it and moved in with him.

Six months after moving in with him she found he was internet dating sites. He accused his ex wife of setting fake accounts up. They split up shortly after.

You can tell people your opinion and the truth and they may not choose to believe you but at least I know I’m not some dick head covering for a horrible twat.

@Emptywallet

I think what's difficult is where we grew up together I still have the idea of the lovely, kind funny child I grew up with. It's hard when his face hasn't really changed, I just don't know the person underneath anymore

@Gooseygoosey12345

It's hard isn't it? Sometimes we don't see each other for months but lots of family events recently so I think that's why it's all getting so tense again.

I sometimes wonder if deep down he does want my love and approval and that's why he tries to make me judge and jury all the time because he knows I'm one of the few people who will ever question him, but on the other hand his misogynistic side means he refuses to be told by a woman so if I tell him what I think he has to be vile and destroy me verbally.

It is really hard. I could have written your reply myself, except the last sentence. My brother daren't speak down to me but has been vile to my sister. He does the whole "feel sorry for me" act but I don't sugar coat anything. I'm not sure why he still spoke to me! Sometimes it's just better to cut them off

So can you not speak to whoever his main enablers are (I assume your parents?) and tell them they need to stop intervening / interfering with how you and he interact?

They’re stopping you from establishing your boundaries with your brother and that’s not healthy. Your opinions, certainly in your 30s, are just as valid as his or theirs.

I’d also be inclined to tell his GF straight that he’s never going to change and what exactly does she see in him, but I get that that would def stir up a shit load of trouble.

You have no responsibility whatsoever towards his gf, she should be talking to her own friends and family.

Be like a broken record - 'I don't know, you should speak to a professional about that'.

Have a read about the drama triangle and think about your position in it.

Just because you're related to him doesn't mean you have to enable his shitty behaviour. "Blood is thicker than water" is the sort of morally vacuous thinking that leads to all sorts of familial abuse. Call him out, and it that doesn't work, cut him off.