Do I bother with this friend?

[nolovelost]

I'm feeling disappointed that my friend seems to have forgotten about me.

Backstory - we met a few years ago through a friend. We hit it off instantly, laughed at the same things, had the same personality, liked the same TV programmes and she always said that she thought a lot of me and vise versa.

Not long into the friendship she disclosed past physical abuse by her partner and gambling. I encouraged her to go to the police. She then showed me bruises about a year in, and I again encouraged her to go to the police.

She didn't report it, I repected her wishes, didn't judge and listened all the time and she started talking about leaving him.

I supported her through it all, whilst she looked for temporary accommodation etc and she finally left him late last year.

She's disabled and I'd go and see her weekly in her temporary accommodation and I bought her things, some of which she gave me money for, (she had lots of money saved for when she left) as she can't get out. She was happy that she was finally free of his abuse and financial ties. He had caused so much debt and uncertainty with the gambling.

She often said that she had me to thank for helping her get out, I thanked her and said that it wasn't just me, it was family (who live miles away but are there for her on the phone) and other friends.

Before Christmas I had huge financial difficulties which she knew about. (Christmas 2018 we didn't get each other anything). So the Christmas just gone, not really thinking much of it, I gave her a card and she gave me a card with a tenner in. I thanked her so much and said that she didn't need to give me money, to which she said that I'd done so much for her and was very grateful. I thanked her again. I also said that I was so sorry that I'd not got her anything, and told her again about my money problems (I told her exactly the amount of money) and she was very shocked. She said that it was completely okay and that I didn't need to get her anything. She seemed completely genuine in what she said and her expressions showed that.

Her contact dwindled and it was me texting her all the time. I arranged to go and see her and at the next visit (mid Jan) I asked if everything was okay as she'd stopped texting. She said she just has things to do in the day and busy. The visit was absolutely fine.

So after this I decided to see if she'd text and I've had absolutely nothing.

Do you think she's not bothered as thinks I've served a purpose and she can't be bothered anymore? Was she secretly annoyed that I didn't get her anything for Christmas? (she really didn't seem annoyed).

Never thought this would happen.

Thanks in advance.

I think probably upset you never got her anything. But is being completely unreasonable. I don't know what is wrong with some people. You sound like a really nice person and good friend to her. The fact she said she is busy in the day now is a sign she is annoyed. Depends if you want to continue a friendship like that. I know how you feel I have recently had a friend completely shit on me. I done her a huge favour that not many people would do. She hasn't kept up her end which I'm still in shock about and somehow in her mind I'm the assehole. It is a awful feeling you have my sympathies.

Hi OP, this must be very upsetting after you have supported her so much. It doesn't sound to me like she is upset with you. I wonder if something else is going on? Could be something totally unrelated distracting her. Or (I really hope not) that she has drifted back into contact with ex or into another abusive relationship and she doesn't want to tell you? Has she been giving to you and taken care of you in some ways or has it always been in one direction? If the latter, then yes perhaps it is not the right long term friendship for either of you.... Only other thing I can think of is that perhaps having got through this really hard chapter she has a feeling of wanting to start anew? She may not even be conscious of this, but sometimes people want to reinvent themselves and get to know people who don't know the 'old' them.....

I think it is very unclear. For that reason if you really care about her friendship, I personally would try to have an open conversation about it. That of course opens you up to further rejection, but it may just help figure out what is happening and avoid losing a relationship that is valuable to you.

Regardless, you should always be proud of what you did to help a woman escape an abusive situation... I am sure she was not consciously exploiting you for that and as she has expressed, is very very grateful. That is a really meaningful thing to do in life, even if you don't remain friends forever...

Thank you so much for the replies.

When she said she's busy, when referring to her lack of texts, I think she meant that she's been busy calling people, and having people go in to her, nurses etc. It's the lack of contact since I brought it up with her that upsets me, it's like what I'm saying is true - that she can't be bothered. I never said it off hand at all, like it was an every day thing to mention. (not confrontational).

I never felt it was one sided. I never feel like I'm owed anything when I do someone favours. But yes it was me doing all the work because she is disabled. We got each other birthday presents in the middle of the year. Am I right in thinking that a lot of people buy for birthdays rather than Christmas considering it's a tough time for most? The most part of my money problems before Christmas was unexpected - £100s. She knew this. And I even said that I couldn't spend much on my children this year because of it.

She'd never get back with her ex. Very unlikely she would get into another relationship at the establishment she's in.

Maybe she does relate my friendship with what happened and wants to start afresh?

Yes I'm proud that I helped her.

I also went in and did things for her that the home could have done, because she asked me too.

*to

And of course I didn't mind

Have you asked her why? It could be that she’s tired from her disabilities and just hasn’t got the energy to be sociable. (I’m disabled and get like this.) I wouldn’t jump to the Christmas thing, as you said she wasn’t annoyed and was fine when you went and saw her.

@GinDrinker00 I asked her why she'd stopped texting and she said she had been busy. That was mid Jan.

I’d text her again just to see if she replies now. Perhaps she wasn’t well or wasn’t coping and didn’t want to tell you. Or perhaps she felt your lack of present was upsetting. Although I do t know why when you told her your circs. Who knows.

Yeah maybe I should. Thank you.