Is this the end of my marriage?

[Smudge27]

I can't believe I'm sitting here posting this but I need to hear some words of wisdom as I can't think straight.
DH and I have been together for ten years, house is mortgaged, both work (him full time, me 29 hours a week due to childcare) Both of us are shift workers and mostly are on complete opposite shifts, rarely with a full day off together. Own DC are 2 & 4 and he also has DC14. He has never been great at pulling his weight around the house but I've allowed that to happen, we've talked about it a few times and he gets better but then it slips back to how it was. Don't get me wrong he does occasionally cook but will only do bathtime or get up with the DCs if im working. Prior to DCs we spent most of our time together due to working the same shifts, now I couldn't tell you the last time we did anything as a couple just the two of us (DSC is with us on his days off so we can't do anything then).
Things haven't been great for a while now (lack of affection, not really talking, miscarriage etc) but we've mulled along busy with work, building work at the house and the DCs. Recently he uninvited me from an event we were going to go to together saying that another wife wasn't able to make it so he would just go by himself. Following this I told him that I knew we had problems and needed to talk. He agreed but had managed to avoid actually talking until yesterday when he said that the reason he had been avoiding talking was because he didn't want to hurt me. He then proceeded to tell me that although he loves me he is no longer 'in love' with me, he was very upset admitting this. I was really shocked by this as although things aren't great I wasn't expecting that, more expecting to sit down and talk through our issues. When I asked him what he wants he says he has no idea. He admitted he struggles with family life and feels like he is a bad dad and that he is always so tired (he will often sleep in till late morning/lunchtime) if I'm not at work. I've suggested he may be a bit depressed but he denies this saying that it's just the result of shift work. After initially saying he didn't know what he wanted to do, he is now saying that he feels that we should at least see if we can get our marriage back on track (although he says he doesn't know how) and his feelings back as he 'owes me' that. I honesty have no idea what to do from here. I want us to work on our marriage but I can't help but think that he's only saying that because he knew what he said yesterday absolutely broke me.
Sorry that's so long but I didn't want to drip feed. I suppose my question is has anyone been through it and how did things turn out? I'm just so lost and don't know what to do/think. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

So he struggles with family life.
Thinks he is a bad dad.
He is no longer 'in love' with you.
But you both work opposite shifts and have no time together.
To resolve this you will need some time together and you will need some joint counselling.
Your opposing shifts are not helping this dynamic at all.
Is there any way this could be changed at all?
Do you have any family support around you?
The 'not in love with you' line is usually the first sign that someone has had their head turned. Could this be the case here?
It doesn't sound like he has time to be honest so it may not be that.
If he does 'owe it to you' to try to make this work, then will he agree to visit his GP?
This is also YOUR life OP.
He's thrown a massive grenade into your life.
He's told you he doesn't love you anymore. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? I know I wouldn't.

Could you not get a different job, not shift work? Are YOU still in love with him? Another child will not make the situation any better so whilst I'm really sorry you went through a miscarriage, I hope you are taking precautions now. Basically it sounds like he's being honest and willing to work at your relationship, are you?

The issue here is it sounds like you get almost no time together and I imagine when you do, you are both tired and rushing to get things done, spend time with children etc. I have seen this in friends marriages where they are like ships passing in the night over a long period. They just become like house mates and drift apart.

Of course it is also possible he has met someone else and this combined with the lack of time together has made him question everything. The fact he uninvited you from an event would make me think along those lines or he is just beginning the process of separating your lives. I think if you want to save this something major will have to change, new jobs or hours etc. Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, what ever people say. Honestly though, by the time someone says I don't love you anymore they will have already been thinking this for weeks if not months and in that time have slowly started the process of.mental separation. You just didn't known it yet.

How are you feeling about all of this?

My husband said those exact words to me two years ago. We’ve been struggling on ever since but it’s pretty much pushed me to the edge. I’m broken. He wants sex but I’ve not been able to feel sexy with somebody who isn’t in love with me anymore. It’s become very toxic. I feel upset, lonely and abandoned all the time. I don’t sleep well. I’m angry. I want a different life. I feel that I should move on but I don’t know how. I think those words are the beginning of the end to be honest and I wish I’d made him leave two years ago.

I get the feeling he’s already checked out of the marriage, OP, and is waiting for you to reach the same page, if I may mix metaphors.
You’ve said a lot about what he wants or feels. But what about you? What do you want yourself?
Do you feel things could be salvaged, would you like him to attend couples counselling with you, do you still love him, or have you had enough and want to split up?
There are some very tough discussions to be had with your husband, and only you know how you’d like those to turn out. We can offer moral support and a hand hold, but only you and your husband can sort this out.

I agree with PP re you need to be able to spend more time together. Your children are still very young and you both clearly don’t get a lot of down time to yourselves either separately or together. Are there any changes you can make to your shift patterns or one or both reduce hours, even if just temporarily?

It sounds to me like there is enough here to work with if you both put some effort in.

MN can be very harsh on men who say things like your husband has, but I think life with small children can be very trying for both parents, and especially men.

If you can afford the time and money for couples counselling then it might be worth considering.

Good luck, keep talking to your DH and trying to be kind to each other if you possibly can.

He uninvited you to an event? Was it a work event? That's bizarre.
Bet there was a woman going that he likes.
Definitely do some digging.

Op.

Do you work?
How old are the children?
Are there any redeeming qualities to your marriage whatsoever? I honestly can’t see any and nothing in this thread to suggest otherwise

Sorry wrong thread

I think you need to do a bit of digging OP. Sorry to say that OP.

Life with small kids is a slog at times. That's just the way it is and most adults recognise that. He uninvited you to an event. Hmm. Unfortunately you don't have the luxury of 'struggling' with family life, or letting your tiredness be your excuse for a lie-in until lunchtime. But that may be just an excuse. It may be an OW.

Decide what you want. Because I think he has decided what he wants.

I think as you work 29 hours a week you could take the slack off him with housework a bit and let he re energise a bit (I realise I may get some flack for saying that) Can u not get a babysitter and have a night at the movies maybe?
For now even the slight things can make a huge difference. When I feel like me and my partner are drifting due to work, tiredness etc I will just go to him for a hug. Cuddle into him when watching tv. Stroke his back or arm. Get some sort of connection back. Get the kids to bed early one night and just make a meal for the two of you. And just because this is going on it doesn’t mean there is another woman I get so sick of reading that bollocks.