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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lonely life with husband

17 replies

marmitecrumpets4life · 03/03/2020 21:25

I'm out at work all day, he works from home as and when he likes.

He didn't come to bed last night and was still up when I got up for work this morning. He asked me to wake him when I got home at 4.30, which I did. He complained that I had woken him and said 'I'll get up at 5pm'.

It's now nearly 9.30pm and he hasn't got up. I've made dinner and eaten alone. Just feel so lonely. Does anyone else get like this?

OP posts:
user1494050295 · 03/03/2020 22:08

Op I am sorry to read your thread. Do you have friends and family nearby? Can you initiate activities with your husband (dinner movie etc). If he wfh it is tough socially and I personally think it can be detrimental to some.

Original poster
marmitecrumpets4life · 03/03/2020 22:12

Thank you for replying, @user149050295

I do spend time with my friends, but he never wants to do anything with me. I even try to plan little trips to the seaside etc, which he agrees to, then he just says he doesn't want to go on the day.

OP posts:
user1494050295 · 03/03/2020 22:18

thats Rubbish. What are his interests? Is there a way to capitalise of them. Have you been together a while? What did you do together before you were married? Is this a recent thing

Original poster
marmitecrumpets4life · 03/03/2020 22:22

He likes films and gaming, but doesn't like the cinema. We're not really party-type people, so I don't mind us not really going out much, but it just feels like he'd rather stay in bed and avoid me.

Yes, we've been together for 15 years. It's been like this for about 4 years but I've only really started to feel very down about it in the last year. Before that, I was so busy at work that it didn't register as much. He just shrugs or changes the subject when I say it makes me sad.

OP posts:
Verily1 · 03/03/2020 22:26

Affair?

Original poster
marmitecrumpets4life · 03/03/2020 22:27

Verily, you think he's having an affair? Or you're suggesting I have one?

OP posts:
Youngatheart00 · 03/03/2020 22:29

What’s making him choose such a nocturnal work pattern? Is it a necessity?

Babdoc · 03/03/2020 22:32

If he is depressed and/or addicted to gaming, then he needs medical help.
If he just doesn’t care, doesn’t love you any more and doesn’t want to spend time with you, then the marriage is over in all but name.
It’s up to you, OP, where you go from here. You can spend a miserable and lonely twenty years in status quo, or you can start a discussion with your husband about whether to divorce or to try and improve the relationship.
Spell out to him what would have to change in order for you to want to stay. Set a time limit for this to be implemented. Review it regularly.

FlowerArranger · 03/03/2020 22:33

He works from home and is into gaming?

How much work does he actually do...... does he earn as much as he should in the time he works?

Or is he a lazy, selfish gaming addict?

champagneandfromage50 · 03/03/2020 22:35

I am not surprised your lonely. You sound like you live in a shared home and he does what he wants. I don't know why you would want to live like that. Not being a party animal doesn't mean a life of misery

Original poster
marmitecrumpets4life · 03/03/2020 22:49

Thank you everyone. Champagne, it does feel like separate living. Like we're housemates.

FlowerArranger, he definitely could work more and earn more, but he's just not that ambitious or bothered. He has a very easy life and his sleep pattern is purely a choice, not a necessity.

Babdoc, you're right. I can't see him wanting to change, so I suppose that tell me all I need to know.

OP posts:
SofiaF1508 · 03/03/2020 23:06

I have a very similar situation myself so no advice but just to say that you deserve better and someone who would jump at the chance of your company.

aboutbloodytime123 · 04/03/2020 00:04

My ex used to be like this. I remember one Sunday he commented how "funny" it was that it was me running DC bath at bedtime that had woken him up after sleeping all day. Honestly, it's really not worth it

LemonTT · 04/03/2020 08:46

He is isolating himself. Obvious reason is depression, or he could be using his isolation to do things he doesn’t want to do with you around. But he could do that during the day. Chances are depression

FlowerArranger · 04/03/2020 14:05

@LemonTT... depressed gaming addict who sleeps 14/24 hours, treats his freelance business as optional and doesn't lift a finger when it comes to house and kids? Really ???

PermanentTemporary · 04/03/2020 14:09

It's maybe not a popular view but in my experience the number of people who are self-motivated enough to work successfully from home is quite small. He sounds like he needs a regular routine and a job.

I agree with Babdoc. Talk to him. Something has to change.

LemonTT · 04/03/2020 14:38

Who said he was a gaming addict. Not the OP. I’m not sure why I got a “really”. Bit rude, I was tying to give some helpful opinion. Without projecting my own issues or belittling others @FlowerArranger.

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