I want to leave my husband after 27 years.

[FGray]

To be honest I have never been happy and have tried to leave in the past. I know it must sound crazy that I have stayed with him for 27 years. He is impossible to talk to, just lives in a world of his own, he spends any money he has on himself. I have to do everything and pay for everything. I've been in debt because of this. No one believes me when I say I can't discuss anything with him but that is exactly how it is, he simply ignores me. I've told him I am unhappy and want to seperate, he pays no attention at all, he just doesn't care.
We have two adult daughters and they know I am unhappy but don't really offer any support. That is one of the problems that I have no support, no family that can help. My mum is old and living in sheltered housing and my dad died a long time ago. I have a sister but we are not close and she wouldn't be interested.
I don't know what to do but can't imagine anything worse than spending the rest of my life with him.

No one can be a relationship on their own - and you are alone, OP - so you don’t have a relationship with him in any meaningful sense. You would therefore simply be confirming the truth by leaving. How are your finances? I’d say get the ducks in a row if you can. Failing that, I’d feel under no obligation to do anything for him, and I’d feel no obligation to tell him anything either.

About your plans, I mean!

Please just leave. I know it may not be practical as I don't know finance issues. But please don't stay with someone just because of the amount of years you have been together. U have a right to be happy. Tomorrow I can apply for my decree absolute after 17 yrs. Its hard but I know it's best that I didn't muddle through for another 17 years

You can do it without your daughter's support OP....as your life gets on track, you will find support...your life will open up and you'll be happier so you;ll feel more like trying new things and meeting new friends.

What are the practicalities you'll need to manage? Is the house owned by both of you? Do you both work?

Can you shock him into talking by serving him with divorce papers or say that you are going to see a solicitor regarding divorce?

Book an appointment with a solicitor, and get some advice on where you stand regarding the property/split etc. Then open your own bank account and start putting money to one side. And stop funding him! A room in a shared house will be cheaper than renting outright. Or look for work where accomodation is included - The Lady magazine features lots of ads for live in staff such as carer/companion/housekeeper.

No one can do this for you - you need to start making it happen.

It's time to go, you have to put your big girl pants on and be brave. Take an exciting step into the unknown....what have you go to lose? The rest of your life living with an ignorant man who doesnt even realise you exist and doesnt seem to give a shit

Waste no more time on him. You dont need your daughters supoort, you just need to do this- for yourself. You have one life....Be Happy

Good luck .. x

I wish people would think seriously about ages when suggesting rooms in shared houses. I for instance am in my 50s , would I want a room in a shared house, no, but if I was maybe in a desperately abusive situation and needed to get out then yes, if it was a matter though of just being unhappy, then I’m not sure it’s that easy a choice just to ‘get a room’ and depressing in a different way. A lot of shared houses are mainly under 35s who wouldn’t necessarily want someone older , with older friends popping around, a lot want it to be like ‘Friends’ . Just being honest.

User the cold, hard fact though is that a lot of people over 40 are now in shared houses. It's increasingly common. I know two women over 50 in shared houses. One could not afford her mortgage any longer due to a bout of depression....and she was single...and the other has never had enough money to rent alone.

Shared houses are definitely not 'mainly under 35s" any longer. It used to be that way. Not now.

I think a shared house is a better alternative than being in a house with someone you can't bear to be around, personally. I know of several women in their 40s and 50s who have taken in other women to house share, as it's a better alternative than young students/air bnb.

Divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. £550 to apply for nisi online. Show him you mean business.
But first have a look at the finances - wages, house equity, pensions. What's in the pot - and how would it need to be divvied up for you to both start again on equal footing? Go have a look at accommodation you could afford. Be realistic.
Realise that solicitors cost a fortune once you start fighting. Have an offer in mind you'd be prepared to make to him and a realistic minimum level firmly fixed.
You may find you are far less lonely in your new life.

Thanks for the replies.

It's helpful just to talk about how things have been because I've covered it up in the past. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on.
I know that I will leave and permanantly this time. I am starting to feel optimistic.
My finances aren't great and we don't own a house, this went years ago due to his spending. It really has been years of financial and emotional abuse. I will find somewhere, anywhere is better than staying with him.

Someone else used the word exciting - and I think it is. Imagine being able to live your own life after all these years. I'd get organised as others have said, work out finances etc, and be realistic but pick a town you'd like to live in... And an evening course, a club to join,or some volunteering to do. Wishing you all the best.

Good for you @FGray!! Wishing you all the happiness in the world for your future x

Well what's holding you back if there's no house equity to argue over? Find a house share (or whatever), pack up all your stuff and go and start your new life.

Would you have some support available if you asked for it? If you explained to one or both of your daughters you need their help?

If he's not even built up any assets whatsoever, after all these years, then you have nothing to quibble about. Take your time planning, but do plan and get yourself away. Stealthily and safely.

Your dds naturally won't want to see their parents at odds and they probably don't appreciate how awful the relationship is for you.

Can you be proactive and take the necessary steps to extricate yourself from this sham of a marriage?

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Compile statement of financial assets and debts
Find birth and marriage certificates
See competent family lawyer
File for divorce.

Take care of yourself. Somewhere along this process - the sooner the better - move out, or have him move out. Start living.

I left my ex when I was 57,it felt very scary but once out felt more doable as all the weight and tension went too,I could think more clearly because I wasn't having to calculate how my ex may react.
You may be on your own if you leave but without him pulling you down anymore
Book a solicitor.

Hi @FGray , you can do it. xxx

I don't want to pry and obviously you know the details, but I wondered about this bit:-

We have two adult daughters and they know I am unhappy but don't really offer any support. That is one of the problems that I have no support, no family that can help

Perhaps if you told your daughters when you feel able, that you're going to leave him, and say how you feel about it, that you're frightened, you might be surprised at their response? Worth a go maybe?

I have a sister but we are not close and she wouldn't be interested

What has your relationship been like in the past? I'm not close to my sister, but she wouldn't like to think of me in trouble and vice versa. We don't share much, but I'd always want to know what's happening, especially if she was struggling. If either of us really needed help, I think we would help each other.

FGray, I left after 42 years! It’s amazing living your own life! You’ll be fine. Just leave, life is a gift, don’t waste it🌹🌹

It can’t be easy but the person who is holding you back is you. What support do you need? Financial advice, practical and or emotional support, a listening ear etc.

Waiting for the person who benefits from maintaining the status quo, to change it, is futile.

Make today the day that you stop talking about ending your marriage, the day you start making concrete decisions.

Try and join a group or club then you have a new focus or something to look forward to and fresh new people in your life?
You owe yourself happiness
If your daughters aren't supporting you or family then I find most people have closer stronger friendships.
Many single people have pets that gives you a different kind of loving loyal relationship if your into pets.

Are you saying the bills are in your name only?

Make sure you close any utility accounts before you leave! It would be easy for stbx to run up debts in your name.
It costs nothing to look at shared accommodation online.
If you have suitcases, start packing. Winter clothes and shoes might be an easy start. Charity shops often have large cases for a few pounds. You don't have to think about the look of them. Just can you carry them on your own. Store the full ones under a bed or at friends or in the boot of a car or maybe ask your sister if she might store them.
If you are being left to buy all the food and household shopping, switch to own brand and economy labels. If you are doing all the cooking, pasta, rice and sausages are your cheap friends.
Open your own bank account and save every penny you can.
It is time to stop thinking of saving the marriage and switch to saving yourself.

Do you work full time? That would be my first thing to do. You should be able to rent a 1bed or studio apartment unless you live in a very expensive city.
You can't really expect your dds to support you much I'm afraid, I'm sure they love you both and asking them to support you will make them feel as though they are taking sides. So, you need to look at your current tenancy agreement, how long is left etc. Then you need to save as hard as you can for a deposit and first month on new place. You can get furniture very cheaply via Facebook or eBay to keep you covered. If he's emotionally abusive then I would recommend not serving divorce papers until you have 1 foot out the door.