Online dating advice

[bigmamapeach]

Hello... I'm considering dipping a toe in the shark infested (supposedly) waters of online dating but need a hand hold.

Mid-40s and going through separation with my partner. Due to kids, difficulties in the relationship and so on, have lost touch with many old friends and most are families/partnered anyway. I work from home and just don't think I'm going to meet new people IRL so online it may have to be.

But so, so scared off by horror stories and just all this stuff about people being flaky, not what they seem, untruthful, risky situations bla bla bla. I don't know if I've got a thick enough skin to do it.

I'm not ready for a relationship yet (but may be at some point) but would like to date to get some "skills" (god that sounds awful - at the conversation, reading people, working out what kind of person I want to be with etc etc) and maybe for something no-string's ish. But that seems a bit scary too if I don't have the "skills" at protecting myself (have come out of 2 semi-abusive - emotionally - relationships). I'm very bad at flirting, attracting men etc who will respect me, have always ended up in relationships where they were more interested in me than vice versa, I'm scared. But don't want to be alone.

Help! Please tell me, if I go down this road, what are the key tips for staying sane and safe and making good judgements. And having fun. Thanks!

Lots of good advice on the dating thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3831437-Dating-Thread-185-Rule-6-reminder-People-vanishing-lying-being-generally-weird-is-not-your-fault?msgid=94409555

You do need quite a thick skin for OLD so maybe you aren't ready just yet. Perhaps give yourself a little more time. I've been on OLD for a few months now and have enjoyed it in the main. I've had some nice conversations and dates and not too many weird ones! I am good at ignoring though and won't entertain anyone who messages smut in their first message!! Its helped me after my marriage broke down but I did wait a while before dipping my toe in. My main advice is dont take it too seriously and dont get too invested early on. Remember, most people will be talking to multiple others so dont assume you are exclusive until you've had that conversation. Have fun 🙂

Do not do it until you have addressed the reasons why you have had two abusive relationships. I honestly dont want to be a kill joy but people underestimate how much an abusive relationship skews your sense of reality.
Being scared of being alone is exactly the right reason for being alone. From someone who has had one abusive relationship (met online) which nearly resulted in my death please listen when I say OLD is not the place to find yourself.
Dating sites are a breeding ground for abusive men looking for their next victim (my ex was back on there within 3 weeks of being let out on bail).
If you want some healthy happy fun, that leaves you in a mental space to have a healthy happy relationship you have to do the work first. My advice would be finalise your separation. Deal with the fallout of that first. Get some therapy or read some books about abuse and the trauma it leaves. Work on yourself. Take classes/join a gym make new friends. Get you and your life to a place where other peoples issues opinions and shit doesnt impact you or your happiness then look at dating.

Honestly? I did online dating on and off for a couple of years after my marriage ended
I waited 6 months and then did it for much the same reasons you want to.

I had some nice first dates, some interesting ones and some 'wtf!!' ones but nothing scary.

However, what I didn't meet was a single 'functioning' man. I didn't meet anyone who either wasn't seeing multiple women (even after exclusive chat); wasn't emotionally unavailable; wasn't hung up on their ex; didn't have unrealistic expectations of women/online dating and the women they'd meet or attract or wasn't single because of, clearly, EA tendencies.

I had an ok couple of years doing it - and a lot fewer nights in home alone but, if anything, it damaged my view of men. It makes me laugh when people suggest it as a viable way of meeting someone. And, I'm afraid, I think that those who do are either incredibly lucky or have very low standards.

I would end my days celibate and lonely before going anywhere near online dating again.

Perhaps do the Freedom programme first before you start? I agree with @ALittleBitConfused1 to work on your issues first.

I know from experience that abusive men can sense it very easily when you’re vulnerable, if I were you, I’d make sure I wouldn’t be an interesting target for them anymore.

Good luck op

I agree with other posters that the majority of men I've met and spoke with have issues in some way, even the nicer, less sleazy ones end up saying theyre not ready for a relationship. Why are they on there then? An ego boost? Being hung up on exes seems to be another major factor, a lot of them end things saying they've got back with their ex which makes you think they must sign up just hours after splitting with someone.

I would honestly give it more time before you dip your toe in as you sound quite vulnerable. If you have lost touch with some of your friends, why not concentrate on building those connections back up. Contact them and advise you've had been through a difficult time, explain the abusive relationships and arrange to meet up etc. A lot of people would be understanding of this. How far in are you in the separation? When I separated from my ex of nearly a decade, I made the conscious decision NOT to date or get involved with anyone. I needed time to heal and reflect. I concentrated on myself, my family and my friendships and had a brilliant time. Then a year later I randomly met someone via friends - I'm too scared of OLD because of the horror stories you hear.

I agree with the PP who say give it time.

from the Earth

Are you me?

When I did OLD It made me almost fear for humanity it was that bad! I had to pull away.

How about putting some energy into your own life first OP? Practice putting yourself first. What things have you fancied doing but never got round to? Painting? Kayaking? Think about why you want to date. Be honest with yourself about your vulnerabilities for clarity’s sake. But also be aware of your strengths (and most of all don’t diminish them or trade them to someone undeserving). Keep boundaries strong (you’re less likely to be messed with) until you feel safe and comfortable.

Imagine yourself as CEO of your own dating life. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get sucked in. Don’t be too focused on the outcome. Kick ass. And show no mercy .

One month on, two months off?

Write up a list of qualities that are important to you, including physical qualities and get box ticking! I wish I'd done that at the start of my 2 year journey but ultimately it's how I eventually ended up with 'the one'.

I agree with pp, I think you need to work on yourself first, before dipping your toe into the shark-infested waters of OLD.
Once you are happy with your own life and are ready to meet someone else, then consider it.

My main tips are: don't message for longer than a week or so before arranging a face to face meeting. I have had long chats with men, feeling lots of chemistry, then on meeting, there was absolutely nothing or a thundering sense of disappointment. Probably went both ways, to be fair!
Always arrange for someone to call you an hour into the date - if everything is going pear-shaped, this is your chance to say "I'm so sorry, something's happened and I have to go." My friend and I had this arrangement, and it worked well. If you realise your date is a creepy sleaze, you can leave without having to climb out of the toilet window.

Good luck

a bit confused has some excellent advice. I think it’s good to have a strong “inner” you. OLD has got lots of men with some unpleasant issues lurking, even if they scrub up well ... professional jobs etc etc. Be bright, aware and (appear at least) happy go lucky. Don’t get serious until you’ve listened to them closely and their opinions. On their exes, on pornography, on the weather, in fact whatever comes up. Especially their general views on women ... They will be telling you who they are, even in the quiet throwaway remarks. If it’s a small red flag you’ll hear yourself go inside, even if you’re not sure why.

I've done it and had lot of different experiences. I won't even go into that. What I would say is that its not a great time to do OLD if you're not looking for a relationship. Are you going to state that you don't want a relationship? If you do, you open the floodgates for all the pests. If you don't then you have potential to be a time-waster for those genuinely looking for love.

Thanks SO much. This is really helpful (if dispiriting!)

Especially this

Write up a list of qualities that are important to you, including physical qualities and get box ticking

and

Don’t get serious until you’ve listened to them closely and their opinions. On their exes, on pornography, on the weather, in fact whatever comes up. Especially their general views on women ... (especially the last)

I am having therapy at the moment (well have been for about 6 months or so) and we are doing a LOT of "work on me" and how I ended up where I am now. This is helping and in general I do feel pretty strong - I'm not depressed or troubled, but it's certainly a weird stage and there is a lot I need to process. But if you don't have the skills to work people out (male people) how do you get those skills without practising?

Although my kids are pretty young, I am trying to rebuild friendships and activities - getting back to things I used to enjoy. It is helping a LOT just in terms of enjoying life way, way more.

Like you OP I work from home so meet no-one in real life. OLD was my only option but I only started it (2.5 years ago) a long time after I ended my very long marriage. It’s allowed me to work out whether I even want a relationship and what that should look like. I’ve been shocked sometimes at the behaviour of men. As a species I respect them far less now. But I’ve never been afraid, I’ve had a lot of fun on my own terms and I’ve made some new friends. I’ve also found a relationship that suits me pretty well for now. I suppose I’m saying don’t fall for the scare stories about OLD as being the full truth, but certainly bide your time, prepare well and keep your wits about you.

I've been OLD for a couple of years. I've had some nice times and a couple of relationships. No really awful experiences and am currently dating someone I like a lot. Having standards is important I think and reminding yourself of them. Picky swiping.