Addicted to porn?

[Littleoldladyyou]

My partner and I haven't been having sex recently and when we have he can't always ejaculate. He has always been open about watching porn etc which I had no issue with as we always had an active sex life. However I now notice in order to ejaculate he needs to be quite 'rough' with me and be in certain positions and while I do enjoy it, it makes me feel upset that he is unable to ejaculate any other way. Anyway, I looked in his search history and found he watches porn EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even on Christmas Day which we spent together and at my in laws. Some of the things he is watching shocked me, its not illegal or anything awful but there was gay porn (we are a straight couple) as well as a lot of transgender and 'shemale' porn. This has totally shocked me and I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand I think people like what they like sexually and its not for me to judge, also it's his own private phone therefore I shouldn't have looked but on the other hand I feel that he wants things I can never provide & the volume of use is really worrying! Does this sound like an addiction to anyone else? Or does anyone have any experience with this? Thanks.

If it’s affecting his behaviour (which it is) and your relationship (which it is) it’s a concern, yes. Whether it’s an addiction or not doesn’t matter. You need to speak to him about your feelings (especially if you’re not comfortable with the rough sex) and get his thoughts. You may want to see a therapist together

Yes. Daily use is addiction.

Hi Op
My first thought is that he’s not being open about watching porn. Ok, so he’s told you he watches it, but he hasn’t told you to the extent ie daily or the specific type of porn.
Some people view porn as a very private subject and really don’t want their partners to know. Some people view their fantasies online but would never carry these out in real life.
As far as you’re aware OP, is this a sudden change in his habits or are you thinking this could well be who he’s always been?

You have to separate his ideals from yours, and just focus on yours, but acknowledge his.
If it doesn’t fit comfortably with you then just say to him. If he’s watching it to the extent he is, I doubt he will ‘give it up’ for long (in the event if he suggesting he will) It’s simply just him right now.

I’d consider which aspects of his choices are making you uncomfortable, ie, is it his physical approach to you, his frequency of porn or the types.
I’ve often thought that if one person within a couple has very different ideas, it’s a no go. Often the less explorative person feels ‘worried’ or uncomfortable, or inadequate, about the extent of their partners exploration.

I suggest you raise your dissatisfaction with your sex life with him without mentioning the porn, at least to start with. I agree that daily use is excessive and from what you say it is probably the explanation for his lack of interest in sex with you. And his inability to ejaculate "normally" is probably down to excessive masturbation. But ideally he will realise this for himself if you raise it indirectly via a discussion on your sex life in general. If that doesn't work you will need to be more direct but this could cause him to become defensive and might lead to a difficult decision about your future together.

My husband had a daily porn habit, which was not open for discussion. Apparently it was totally normal, did not interrupt our sex life (except I didn't like that he was looking at other vaginas every day, felt like he was just using me to execute sex acts he had seen on screen, was imagining other women, and it put me off sex). If I raised it, then I had the problem, and was being a prude. Anyway I believe it was the a key factor in his poor choice to sleep with prostitutes while away with work. Had to LTB.

I’m genuinely baffled as to why some watch so much porn. It really doesn’t help in having a real life sexual positive experience. Everyone is different. Surely the focus should always be on what your partner is comfortable with and getting to know what they enjoy....not just what you want to do to them.
Ive never heard of someone who watches a lot of porn, performing like a legend. In fact, it’s often the opposite.
Op, be confident in what you like and what you chose to explore. If it’s not happening and it’s falling on deaf ears I suspect it won’t improve.

My ex’s porn addiction was the main factor in the failure of a long and otherwise good relationship. He only wanted sex a few times a year (but was wanking to porn for hours every day) and eventually lost the ability to ejaculate while I was even in the room, let alone during sex. It’s so sad and grubby that some men get addicted to porn but, as with all addictions, they won’t change unless/until THEY want to.

Good luck! I'm glad I've exited such a toxic situation.

Same here. There are many things I miss about my ex but I couldn’t tolerate the porn/lack of sex situation any longer. It nearly ruined my self-confidence.

Around 7 years ago I was in a short relationship (around 6 months) with a guy who was a recovering porn addict. It is a terrible addiction that like all addictions does escalate.

I’m sorry but it sounds like your DP is also an addict. Especially if he’s watching it on Christmas Day at his parents house. I would have a serious talk with him about seeking help from a counsellor and attending an addiction support group.

I tried to be understanding and support my ex through it. But ultimately there were a lot of intimacy problems and I exited that relationship with horrendous self esteem issues. I really feel for you it’s not a nice position to be in.

To most guys porn is just wank material, keeps the juices flowing. Like alcohol, many people use it in moderation and only a few become addicted. Personally I find it hard to understand how a guy could find porn more satisfying than sex, but obviously some do. Sad.

@Anothernick
I think maybe it’s an ego thing. Whilst watching it, in their minds they are sex gods (or goddesses) and there is no risk of being a let down or not doing something right. They still get pleasure but with no pressure. The more they watch, the more real situations seem like pressure to perform etc. They lose touch with reality and instead only link pleasure with how they’ve seen it on a screen. It’s the pressure and lack of actual imagination that they can’t deal with.
I’m no expert but it’s jyst a thought.