I know I’m naive - can someone explain the benefits of marriage to me?

[mycatsmellsbad]

Inspired by a thread earlier which has got me thinking - I’ve been with dp 6 years, not married, 2 children together. We both work full time although I am higher earner. Both our names on the mortgage.

Technically we are engaged but never discussed the actual getting married part as I’m not that keen (I’ve been married before so bad experience) although he would do it tomorrow if it was easy to organise!

Are there any benefits to us actually getting married? We both have life insurance with our employers which is signed over to each other should anything happen.

I know I’m being naive so would be grateful if anyone could let me know what I’m missing. We are really happy as we are and, as I said earlier, I’m reluctant to rock the boat with another marriage unless the pros outweighs the cons.

The only benefit to you as the higher earner is that if something were to happen so that you could no longer earn money you’d have a degree of protection. Obviously if all goes well you wouldn’t need that but shot happens. The benefits for lower earners are obviously greater.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

We don’t have lots of wealth so I’m not worried about inheritance tax

You may not have a lot of wealth now, but what will your house be worth in 20 years when you've paid of the mortgage? Who will inherit the ISAs and other investments you both are likely to have accumulated in 40 years time?

Of course you must have wills, but wills can be changed and have been known to get lost or cannot be found at the time of death..

If one of you died in a car accident, it would provide legal protections to the lower earner. In the U.K. there are also bereavement benefits that your partner might need to help cope with the loss of the dead partner’s income and funeral.
With no will, your assets would be held in trust for your children. Your partner would get nothing, and vice versa.
If you were in a coma, you would not be next of kin to each other to make medical decisions such as do not resuscitate.

I honestly would never have had children without first being married. I too am the high earner. It’s not always about protecting yourself, but also about providing for the lower earning/more vulnerable partner in the event of the worst or almost worst.

What would happen in the event of divorce though? Perhaps OP is being rational in not wanting to get married, given she is the higher earner.

What would happen in the event of divorce though? Perhaps OP is being rational in not wanting to get married, given she is the higher earner.

She may the higher earner now, but who knows whether this will always be the case?

In any event, being married ensures that there is a reasonably FAIR division of assets in the case of splitting up, which surely ought be the desired outcome.

I don't agree with marrying for money or security reasons. To me it should be about love and the vows you take. About sharing it with those closest to you. Dh and I have no money, our wedding and marriage was about our love and feeling more like a family. Being married before having our baby was a must for us.
For me the benefits of being married are sharing my husbands surname, feeling complete as a couple and the sense of maximum togetherness

My reason for wanting to get married was changing my name.
I had been married before and was still carrying ex husband's surname, which I hated. When I got pregnant last year, I couldn't live with the thought of my baby being referred to as "baby x (ex's name)" in the hospital.
So DH2 and I got married in October and I have the comfort of knowing all of us share the same surname now.
Yes I could have changed my name legally without getting married, but we found that getting married was just as simple. We had a very simple ceremony in the town hall and a wedding party at our house. It was absolutely perfect and cost pennies compared to a traditional wedding. And to me it just feels more "proper".

If you don't want to get married in the traditional sense then you could register a civil partnership. This can be done without any ceremony and gives you the legal protection etc that marriage does.

We both have life insurance with our employers which is signed over to each other should anything happen.

You do realise either one of you could change that without the other knowing so left high and dry? What if either of you lose your job or change to a job without life insurance being a benefit?

As for having children but no will - I'm speechless, I really am. Get your wills sorted now, especially seeing as you're not married. Not just financially, but you also need to agree/specify who you want to be guardian of your children if you both die (say in an accident).

Its only the inheritance/capital gains tax thing really if you both work, have mirror wills, mutual pension/death in services statements etc. Also he 250 quid a year marriage allowance and paltry widows pension if thats important to you.

Well we did it because the OH had a defined-benefit pension that would pay something to a widow but not to an unmarried partner. Mainly. Also IHT. Cheapest possible do at the reg office, ~£200 all in.

I have no interest in sharing his surname, and next of kin I would be equally happy for it to be my parents or my sister - we both had lives before and as older parents have only been together a relatively short period of our lives. In terms of who would have our children if anything happened to both of us the only option is my sister and we’ve all discussed that. It’s not like there would be a bun fight.

So, other than getting a will sorted to tie up anything else I’m still not convinced marriage is for us right now.

Marriage cannot be easily unilateraly disolved (wills can be unilaterally changed)

Marriage is internationally recognised. If anything were to happen to either of you while abroad your status as spouse is recognised. Unmarried your position could hinder getting support.

In the moment marriage doesnt matter. Marriage matters when you need to prove to an outside body that a relationship exists. This is especially important when one or other of you isnt capable of speaking for themselves.

Most people talk of something happening suddenly. The reality is that you will muddle on quite happily until one of you starts to develop dementia. At that point being able to prove that a relationship exists may become very important.

A friend of mine has talked candidly about her DF's dementia. It first started to manifest itself by inappropriate flirting with strangers. Absolutely heartbreaking for his wife but at least she had security. He couldnt simply decide that he had found the new love of his life and that friends DM had to go.

This is a recent news article that is relevant

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51676780?intlink_from_url=www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/cq04nvd56lxt/bereavement&link_location=live-reporting-story" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51676780?intlink<a class="break-all" href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51676780?intlink_from_url=www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/cq04nvd56lxt/bereavement&link_location=live-reporting-story" rel="nofollow" target="blank">fromm<a class="break-all" href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51676780?intlink_from_url=www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/cq04nvd56lxt/bereavement&link_location=live-reporting-story" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">url=www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/cq04nvd56lxt/bereavement&link_location=live-reporting-story

Would you be happy to register your partner as single on his death certificate as the lady in the news article did? Very sad.

Your lives together effectively erased, especially from a social historian perspective!

@mycatsmellsbad I thought I'd tag you so that you could see my most recent replies. Especially in these worrying days. Do you really not want your relationship to be recorded somehow and somewhere?

It depends on the circumstances.

I wont marry DP. I am the higher earner. We dont share kids. Neither have taken a hit to out careers to bring up joint kids. The house is in my name and most of what I have will be left to the kids.

There is money left to him in my will. The house and the rest is for the kids.

Marriage doesnt protect me in anyway.

Thanks @SciFiScream but knowing that people in the future will have no idea of our relationship is really not a selling point - it wouldn’t bother me one bit. If my children were to be negatively affected by it - and it seems they might be should one of us die - then that is far more important to me. I am thinking seriously about it and we had a discussion the other night - he thinks we should just go for it but I’m still considering. I think my previous marriage failure is clouding my judgement a bit as it feels like it would be the death knell of what is normally a very happy relationship!