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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this love bombing?

26 replies

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 13:02

My sister has just met a man. It’s been 2 weeks and he has said they are exclusive, that she is his girlfriend? He also said that she can “make him fall in love forever” and that if they were to end it would be because she ends it, as he wouldn’t break up with her. She’s met his cousins and aunty and he says he wants her to meet his mum and that he will have to meet our mum because his mum is going to want to! Is it just me that think this sounds crazy it’s been 2 weeks! is this lovebombing? Only read about it on here. I don’t know what to advise her because I don’t want to come across as negative. She’s came out of a relationship 6 months ago where the man refused to commit or even call her his girlfriend (after 2 years) and she never met his family. So from One extreme to another.

OP posts:

Glassio · 03/03/2020 13:04

yes.. he sounds a total weirdo and obsessed

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 03/03/2020 13:06

She should exercise caution, yes.

snowdaynoday · 03/03/2020 13:12

Oh Yes my ex was like this.
Sent flowers, sent videos of songs etc.
He did it to all the women in his life. Then when you break up with them they get stalky and play games. She should get out as quick as possible.

My love bombing ex was still a big fat cheat and a liar. Wasted 3 years on him. He had no real empathy or emotion. That's why he love bombed so hard.

If you sister so his phone, what he says to other women she would know the truth ( not saying she should look or anything,)
I didn't know this was abuse until time went on. And I brought a lo in to the mess.

I had only ever dealt with angry men before so this was an absolute shock.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 13:12

I’m glad it’s not just me that thinks a weird then! She even went to his house on the weekend at 2am as he asked her to meet him there after a night out. She waited in her car outside for half an hour and he didn’t show up so she ended up going home. Then she went back the next day! I will tell her what I think but doubt she will listen.

OP posts:

Original poster

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 13:16

That’s what I think snowdaynoday the fact that he has said she is his girlfriend after 2 weeks, you don’t even know someone in 2 weeks! And wants her to meet his mum shows that he must do it with everyone. I think she is lapping it up because it’s more than what she got from her ex in 2 years, but it’s not normal!

OP posts:

snowdaynoday · 03/03/2020 13:19

Sorry if my response was a lot but this is my example and your sister needs to know it too.

Separated from ex do to emotional abuse, just started a new job, he was very happy for me except couldn't deal with me not at home all the time, he works in the service so 60 plus but I wasn't waiting at home. Threaten to kill himself deep depression etc.
I ended it end of Nov, December he was dating and sending flowers to other women. All the while still turning up at mine.
Jan it got so bad, threats worse, shouting, stalking, still dating other women. None of these women would no how dangerous he was.
I called the police, he is now on bail. He is still dating these women from OLD.
If you met him you would think he was so sweet and kind, and he's kind of geeky. His family have a nice house and as I said he works in the service so great job. He will treat you amazingly. But he's not what he seems at all.
He watched me for days, while still going to work and dating other women.

Love bombing really should be taken seriously. It's the Big Red flag!!!

snowdaynoday · 03/03/2020 13:20

My ex told me he loved me the first week.
I was so chilled about it all until month 3 of dating and then it was to late. It didn't really become a issue until a year.

My mother and friends didn't like him at all but couldn't work out why.

LonginesPrime · 03/03/2020 13:26

She even went to his house on the weekend at 2am as he asked her to meet him there after a night out. She waited in her car outside for half an hour and he didn’t show up so she ended up going home

WTAF, OP?

They both sound unhinged - is this normal behaviour for her, or is she just so desperate for commitment that she's willing to demean herself like this to lock any random down?

This is seriously odd behaviour, and it's even odder that she openly told you this - it suggests she sees this behaviour as normal.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 13:29

No don’t apologise snowdaynoday it’s good to hear people’s experiences, you do have to be so careful. I don’t have much experience of love bombing myself as I’ve been single for a few years now. I worry about her rushing into something so quickly and I’ve tried to explain to her abit about love bombing. None of it is real. All her friends are apparently saying how great it is which is why I was worried I was being too negative.

OP posts:

Original poster

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 13:34

I think she’s desperate for commitment. She was on the phone to me before going. Even when she went the story didn’t add up. She claimed to see his car drive past, she was parked up outside his house But she called him and he didn’t answer then when he did he said he was stuck in traffic? He then gave her his cousins number who was apparently inside and said to call him to let her in! All Very weird. She didn’t want to do that though and just went home. They don’t even live that close to each other, 45 minute drive.

OP posts:

Gutterton · 03/03/2020 13:47

The 2am thing was a test - to see how high she would jump. So that he knows how far he can push and abuse her.

She passed with flying colours.

The love bombing alongside that abusive stunt is confusing and gaslighting - that toxic mix, vacillating between abuse and love bombing creates an addictive “trauma bond”. Look that up.

She needs to work on herself to understand why her self esteem is so low to be in a RS for 2 years with zero acknowledgement.

What was her upbringing like? What’s her blueprint for RSs?

Original poster

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 13:56

Oh I didn’t think of that as a test but it makes so much sense! I will mention that to her now (she’s fine with me posting we have spoken briefly about it) he didn’t get in until 6am he told her the next day despite being in traffic and the place only being 10 minutes from his house We have the same mum but she grew up without her dad (never met him, he lived in another country) she was brought up by my dad, she’s never really had many long term relationships, they’ve all been a couple of years max. She sees this guy as a positive thing because she likes how “open” he is being. I’ve not heard of trauma bond so will look that up.

OP posts:

Original poster

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 19:31

Now he wants her to go away with him apparently! I’m just going to change the subject when she mentions him as I’m very

OP posts:

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 03/03/2020 22:57

Yes my ex told me last week he is seeing someone and the only reason he told me is because he's moving in with her. They've been together about a month he says life's too short...ookkaaay

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 03/03/2020 22:57

I forgot to add, we have children that's why he told me

LoonyLunaLoo · 03/03/2020 23:04

My SIL’s ex love bombed her just like that. They were married after less than a year together, then before they’d been together 2 years he punched her in a public place and knocked her out... so yes, be afraid..

PintoPiPs · 03/03/2020 23:32

How did she meet him? Have they got connections friends or acquaintances in common. What does she really know about him? E.g. OLD can be dangerous because somebody could be anybody, and if you don’t “know” them in real life context you should always err on side of caution. The declarations of love forever sound unhinged and completely immature. The test thing, very telling. I once had a nut who dropped me off miles from home in the rain, that “test” I happily failed, because I made sure I never saw the weird twat again.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 23:45

Sigh! You don't even want to hear the latest, she called earlier and brought him up again and said that she is going to be introducing her son to him!! I honestly had to say I can't even respond to that because whatever I say will be judgemental, she then starting saying again how I'm SO negative! And how men have always said they knew their partner was the one as soon as they met her! Oh and she thinks he is the one, 14 DAYS!!. She said it was "only right" to introduce him to her son if he is going to introduce her to his mum. She said if she meets the mum she's "in there" . . They met at a club. She went back to his the same night and she said she spent 24 hours with him the very first day. No mutual friends and he is not on SM apparently. I can't even believe she is going.to introduce him to her son so soon , I'm honestly struggling with what to say but I will have to.let her learn for herself. Anything I say is "negative" don't know how I'm gonna keep listening to it though as I had to keep responding with "oh ok" to stop myself saying anything else, there's only so many times I can say oh ok. But I'm keeping my opinion to myself now

OP posts:

TheYearOfTheDog · 03/03/2020 23:49

Yes it does sound like lovebombing!

Does he by any chance need a place to live. I think I read on here that nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs a place to live.

TheYearOfTheDog · 03/03/2020 23:52

And because he's introduced her to his mum, she's rushing her own timeline. Bad sign. That means she's ignoring a boundary / timeframe that feels right to her. She feels she ''has to'' introduce him to her son now ''because^ he introduced her to his mother!

I'd be wary about the alleged not on social media too! Funny how these lovebombers often aren't.

Gutterton · 03/03/2020 23:55

Her poor son. How old is he? Who had him when she was gone for 24hrs?

You are not being negative but you also don’t have to be the receptacle for her psycho drama. So you can tell her that you won’t be listening to any of it - as it seems it is just fanning the flames.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 04/03/2020 00:00

He live s with her and his dad 50/50 he is not little tbf but I still think it's bad, he is 16. I can't imagine introducing someone to my children so soon . She asked him if he believes in marriage and he said he wouldn't be talking to her if he didn't, apparently he is so "soppy", she's really buying into it.

OP posts:

BobTheDuvet · 04/03/2020 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PintoPiPs · 04/03/2020 08:23

My opinion only. I think you have a right and a duty to declare your opinion, as strongly and clearly as you feel is necessary. But probably only once. So I would just wait a bit OP for that one perhaps? She already knows you disapprove. Be your usual self to your sister, but I d agree with others don’t get involved in psychodrama, change the subject. Your poor nephew yes, but thank god he is nearly a grown up it will a lot less impact on him.

PintoPiPs · 04/03/2020 08:33

If she is completely carried away, and it sounds like she is, what can you do? She obviously desperately believes she needs a lover or partner, and this is perhaps her “chance”. Stay stable and strong and don’t get involved - just keep your friendship relationship with your sister separate - though I would say back off a bit if It gets too much. You don’t have to get involved in the craziness.

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