DH won't go on family holidays

[absopugginglutely]

My husband and I have his daughter (12, autistic and quite high maintenance) and our daughter (3, a toddler and quite high maintenance!) He proclaimed recently that he won't go on any facility holidays.
I have aranged to take DD with me to see my sister in France, I am staying with her so all up it will cost me £80.
My husband says that holidays make hi anxious and aren't worth gettimgto debt for.
I have no interest in getting into debt but staying in a cheap campsite in Norfolk for the weekend we don't spend amy more than we would at home.
I told him today that i feel like a single parent sometimes.
Lat month he drove to London to see a gig and drove to London again to buy recording equipment (toys) all 'on credit'.

I feel lonely and every time I try to tell him how unhappy I feel about it, he calls me names e.g. You've woken up out of the wrong side of bed or 'now isn't the time to discuss this'.

I feel like he wants to live the life of a non family man leaving me with the responsibility of our daughter.
He isn't team spirited at all.

I have to be very very flexible and adaptable because his daughter's mother lacks boundaries and often changes plans with regards to their daughter so that we have to change ours. I happily put up with this because I have it in mind that we are a team but he won't.

I feel that this is a threat to the strength of our relationship because there's literally nothing to look forward to together its just s treadmill of misery and I feel so sad about it.

I get what he means about holidays making him anxious, I’m unable to go on them too. The rest is issues that need discussing and not fobbing off, but please don’t dismiss anxiety just because you don’t understand it

I agree with the pop that there are two separate issues here. Holidays aren't a must have for family life - you enjoy them and he doesn't. That's fair enough and it seems like doing stuff like going on holiday to your sisters might be a good compromise.

However the other stuff is more concerning IMO. Your husband doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight and you feel like he's not a part of family life and that needs discussing. But try to do so in a calm and non emotional way so you can work through the issues rather than it turning into a big fight. Good luck.

*with the pp

Stupid phone

Also if your lives are a 'treadmill of misery' with nothing to look forward to then an annual weekend camping in Norfolk is not going to make you happy or solve your problems. You need to sort out day to day life (which sounds very stressful so you do have my sympathy).

Your description of your dc does not make a holiday sound that appealing tbh!!
But he - imo - should not be putting his spending before his dc.. Getting into debt for 'man stuff' is shitty.
My exh spent £££ on golf but never cash for dc to have a hobby...

So he likes the single life, and have you waiting in the wings for the days he fancies being with the family.
He's a prize.
Go to your sisters, leave him to deal with his ex and his child. He sounds like a burden more than a help.

Life is too short to be this miserable
He doesn't sound like a good partner for you

Your description of your dc does not make a holiday sound that appealing tbh!!

All because she said “quite high maintenance”?

@Haworthia as someone who has a child with ASD and a high maintenance toddler, holidays really wouldn’t be enjoyable for either of them (if I ever felt the need to go on one anyway). High maintenance children need routine and structure, take them away from that and hell can break loose.

Precisely...

I read that the 3 year old is a typical 3 year old, no additional needs.

And the OP was saying it was just her and the 3 year old going to France, not taking the 12 year old too. So 2 adults to one 3 year old. Totally doable.

Does he use this as an excuse to get out of parenting? Being anxious? Maybe he should seek some help if it is debilitatiing that he cannot go on holiday.

Thanks all 😊
I’m taking DD on her own to France. DH will be at home (doing as he pleases)
You’re right though. Holidays aren’t essential and with DSD with ASD it wouldn’t be much fun anyway.

I was really lucky as a child, my dad (a single parent) used to take me and my sister camping in Cornwall and later to rural France and I just have such fond memories of how recharging it was for all of us to spend a week or so away from daily life.
I can’t project that on to my my family because realistically it’s not much fun.

My ideal scenario is to go away with DD and DH while DSD is with her mum but obviously DH would feel guilty about this (even though DSD can’t cope with holidays)

Uh.

Wish I’d ironed this out before getting married but I weirdly just assumed that everyone likes holidays.

I am confused , why would you be taking his 13 yr DD on holiday with you? That is very bizarre and he doesn't want to come. His DD is his responsibility and no way would I be taking on a step child for the parent to step out of any parenting including expecting the step mum to take them on holiday too - I hope I gave read this wrong

I think holidays are important ,as it gives families a chance to bond ,Maybe a day out or W/E away .This sounds unfair on you OP ,and I would be wondering if this relationship is worth it TBH! Its not on when he is travelling to gigs and buying equipment ,then telling you he doesnt like a weekend in Norfolk FFS! He is a Dad not a sodding single bloke any more !

@ champagneandfromage50 no I’m not taking his DD I’m taking our DD.
I would literally NEVER take his DD. We have to lock knives up in a combination locked box when she comes to the house. She’s not a safe person.

it would be a deal breaker for me - Travel is so important to me and if I don't h ave trips / holidays planned for the future / to look forward to then I sink into a state of anxiety and unhappiness - i guess the opposite of your DH

however if you are happy to travel with your daughter alone / find other people to get your holiday fix with then it's probably fine!

I travel a lot with my husband - but also have done holidays with friends / solo travel too!

I just feel that because we don’t have much money I would rather do the ‘play’ activities together as a unit so we have shared memories.
I feel like a single mum.

It’s because when he and I met, we were both religious. (I now think of this religion as a bit of a cult)
Although we don’t follow it any more, a lot of the messaging “holidays are meaningless unless there’s a spiritual purpose” etc

I told him that I think he’s internalised this dogma but he denies it wholeheartedly.

If he is so anxious how comes he manages to drive up to a gig in London? I think he is taking you for a fool, OP.

He is being unfair @absopugginglutely ! Sometimes you do things for your wife / husband that you don't necessarily feel over excited to do! it is about compromise! He knows a family holiday would mean something to you!

Just last week my parents were in New York and my Mum wanted to take a horse and carriage ride in central park - my Dad was not into the idea at all - he still took her on the horse ride!

My husband is giving up a whole day of our holiday in Tokyo to take me to Disneyland - even though he would rather do anything else with his day!

Thank you. Yes, I have to put up with loads of unpeacefublness day in day out because of his daughter and her mother but I do it for the team. He doesn't do anything for the team.

( Is he also on the spectrum? )

Does this relationship work for you? What do you like about him and your life together? You might reach a point where actually being a single parent is more appealing than being one by default. Does he know this? Worth pointing it out to him perhaps? I know you've tried to talk to him but just really lay it on the line "I am going to leave if this situation doesn't improve"

He isn't officially on the spectrum although I think he is quietly driving himself insane reading up about autism and trying to empathise with his daughter. He sees autism in everything he says or does and really digs his heels in and shuts down if I try to bring up anything where we disagree (trying to come to a compromise)

H e has just emailed me from work and apologised for being 'uncooperative' and says he is happy to go on holiday.

He will now think everything's sorted.

I have booked a couples therapist because I hate our communication patterns.