After 8 years together, last September my marriage (3 years) hit a breaking point. Wife had very bad PND for 4 years after our first child, and basically treated me like crap throughout, then one day her aggression got the better of her and she threw our daughter (3 yrs old at the time) across the room onto her bed and hurt her (there were other red flags, but not physical aggression until that day). I felt the love I once had for her, instantly leave my heart then and there. I later told her that I'd fallen out of love and wanted to leave, I couldn't take any more of her laziness, depression and general lack of effort. I felt broken, resentful, tired of crying alone at night, so upset and also angry that she had made me feel this way.
She soon did a complete turn around, went to the Drs for meds, started doing her share of house work again and stopped being so aggressive to the kids (we have 2, boy age 1 and girl age 4), I mean she still shouts at them constantly, but I'm not worried for their safety anymore.
My question is, why do I still think about leaving on a daily basis? It's all I think about every day for months now. Even when things are going okay, I don't want to spend any time with her, on 'date night' I can't help but wish I was having the meal alone. I'm checked out and not sure I can even conjure the effort to get things back as they once were. I know that love ebbs and flows etc, but surely after 6 months I should be feeling more toward her?
I can't fault her for trying either, she really is trying hard. The blame has flipped over to me now and I was accused of having a mid life crisis etc. I started going to counselling to get my head on straight, which honestly it has done wonders, but I still feel the exact same and counselling has only reinforced that I AM thinking clearly.
In my eyes it feels like something is just lacking, we have no common interests, our sex life is strained (she's on the asexual spectrum too which obviously makes that more difficult), we argue over parental differences and her hoarding tendances. I offer to have the kids ANY time or day she wants, but for god sakes get out and have fun, make hobbies, get a shred of life back. But she just doesn't want to.
I can't help but think though that we would be better apart, I know we could co parent well enough, probably even be friends after a while (we've discussed this at length previously). I would still be the hands on father I am now, pay all the bills until she finds her own feet again. Honestly I really do care for her deeply, she's an amazing, funny, good looking woman, and definitely deserves better than the life we have. So why can't I be the man she now deserves?
I know I'll get some angry comments to this, and truly it's fine I deserve them to a degree. I just wanted to get some outside opinions if anyone had been through or seen similar.
Thanks for reading.