Rejection!!!!

[clueless83]

Single ladies, how do you deal with feeling rejected when dating???
I've recently started dating after being single for nearly 3 years and I'm finding it really hard. So I was dating someone for about 2 months and thought it was going really well, then he just kinda vanished!! Wasn't married ( I had a mutual friend do some detective work!!). Then over the past 6 weeks I've been chatting to a bloke in the army, we spoke on the phone for ages and constantly messaged each other. He said he couldn't wait to take me out when he was back in the UK (he's currently on overseas deployment). Then yesterday I was sent a screenshot of his Facebook which said he had recently started a relationship with someone!!!! He apologised and said it was someone he used to know and it just happened over the last few weeks!!!!! I feel like I'm constantly being rejected and at the moment I feel REALLY shit about myself!!! Anyone else have the same problem or any advice?!?!?!

Sorry for what you are going through. I did OLD for 4 years, approx 30 dates, maybe 10 I thought might go somewhere. All ended with me being rejected or me saying no. It’s the nature of the beast. It’s soul destroying so I did OLD one month at a time as it can hurt the esteem sometimes. I had lovely dates too so did enjoy myself at times. It’s a numbers game I am afraid. It really isn’t you if you get rejected it’s just finding someone in the same page is hard. Men have a sweet shop to browse in as do us women. Just got to keep going in and buying sweets to see what one you like.

You are not alone OP. I think you just have to try not to invest too early. Have no expectations and try to not take it too seriously. Easier said than done. I got so sick of it that I ended up assuming all blokes would disappear or disappoint in some way. It seemed to make it easier to deal with. I've now been dating someone lovely for 4 months.
Sadly you have to plough through all the losers first but don't lose heart.

I've been OLD dating on and off for 5 years. Had one longish relationship (who I met online and turned out to be an abusive arse) in that time but have been on shit loads of dates too. Sometimes the spark just isn't there on either side. Sometimes it is for one but not the other.
I used to take regular breaks as found it really hard but the last stint of dating (about 6 months as took a couple of years out to just work on me after the abusive relationship) I've found alot easier.
I rarely get invested. I treat it like a fun thing to do if I have no other plans. I can go weeks without dating as I'm busy (i now fit it in around my social life rather than the other way round). But then, as like this weekend, i had no plans to go out with friends so went on a date with one guy friday (disaster) and another date yesterday (not such a disaster so if all goes to plan i will be seeing him again).
The thing is with OLD there are just so many people looking so you have to assume anyone who is talking to/dating you is also talking to/dating at least two others. You really have to have a strong sense of what you are looking for and what you want coupled with high standards but realistic expectations. If you meet one person, get on with them but invest all your time in that one person traight away you're going to get hurt or disappointed.
Take everything anyone says to you with a pinch of salt until its proven. And dont look at it as rejection or a personal insult, you have to try and see it as maybe some nice dates but with the wrong one. I'm in no doubt that OLD does work but for every right person there will be 10 arseholes and 15 nice but wrong ones. That's just the way it is. I'm upfront and honest. I know what I'm looking for and I dont settle. If someone isn't right for me or I have a bad vinbe from them I leave it there straight away. I dont reply to messages if I'm not interested and I'm happy to tell someone after a date that it wasnt there and dont want to see them again. Not because I'm rude or heartless but because I'm not out to muck people around, but that being said I also know and accept that not everyone who uses OLD has my morals. So....one sniff of fuckery and I'm out of there.
OLD isn't for everyone and it took me a fair few shitty experiences to grow my OLD armour. I just try and take it in my stride and accept that the chances are I may not come across my Mr Right but that's cool I'll have fun trying. And if I do , well then that's a bonus.

Gosh I wish I knew the answer to this! Would have saved myself a lot of heartache over the last few years!

I've had enough of it all now tbh, and am taking a break from dating.

What I've learnt though, is that the guys who ghost and vanish are arseholes and cowards who are unable to be grown up enough to end things amicably. And we're most definitely better off without those!

I think it also helps to establish boundaries for future dating as often there are warning signs you can learn from.

It's not a reflection on you so don't be too disheartened, online dating can be brutal. Persevere if you want but my advice would be to take everything with a pinch of salt and don't over invest too soon.

As my mother said social media and OLD has created a Buffet for people ( mainly greedy men)

So while they may like the roast chicken, they get temper but the jerk and southern too.

No jokes, she honestly said this and she's so right!

It is the name of the game and its not personal. They don't know you. OLD is like a sweetie shop with shoppers always looking at what else is on offer, distracted by choice. There's always the chance of something better. So as others have said don't invest too early and certainly don't invest in anyone you've only messaged and not met yet - think of them as not real people yet. I always avoided lengthy messaging - just cut to the chase and meet. You can get very misled by assumptions about people you are messaging and then within 10 minutes of meeting them realise they are not for you at all.

And be warned that people are not always who they claim to be - particularly those that claim to be overseas in the forces. They could be scammers - avoid getting into intense messaging or going out of the app to communicate.

@clueless83. Yes I currently have this problem. I over invested since Jan for someone I've met twice. Got rejected, to be honest no spark either side although I think it could have grown. He pulled the plug on it and my self esteem has taken a battering. First day no contact today. I've deleted his number and all pictures. It's hard and I feel your pain. Try to not take it personally

If its any consolation (and im sure it isnt right now)

Women ghost men too.

I have been hosted by at least 4 women in OLD land since xmas.

all 4x have had great conversations with, made plans to meet, shared stories and pictures of our hobbies etc.

Then I log in and one by one they are gone / deleted / no replies.

Its tough- but there might just be a nice man or woman out there in OLD land that wont ghost you / cut you off.... good luck! :)

Join us on the dating thread, it's good support and you are so not alone....

It really is a minefield.

Such useful advice. What is OLD though?

I feel the exact same and I'm 24. I'm not on OLD but through work, social life and Facebook have met lads, been on dates ect but they have ghosted or gone cold. I have noticed however some of them seem to re appear after sometime. After that thou it's to late for me and I'm not some plan b. I was seeing someone from NYE an old flame. Everything just clicked (so I thought) but he went cold and changed after 4 weeks! After that it really got me fed up so I'm leaving dating for a bit and focusing on work x

I think with the online dating they probably find it easier to reject/ghost someone as they see them less as a person and more of part of the dating website.

I hate OLD especially Tinder as I think it's awful for self esteem, my advice would be stay off it and be more present IRL and hopefully meet someone that way.
Do you know anyone with a nice friend you can meet through them?

It's the same whether you date online or in real life. Not everyone you meet will like you in that way. The thing with old is you dont know that until you've met and by that point you've shared a fair bit of info. I stick to the basics now and I like to arrange a meet pretty quickly. Even if its just a quick drink. That way you know whether the initial spark is there. Tbh I'm not a shit person but if after talking to someone a few times or just meeting someone once or twice I wouldnt necessarily offer up the information that I wasnt feeling it or why. Sometimes you cant express why and alot of people get shittyy when they feel rejected. It's nothing the other person has done it's just how it is, I know within 5 minutes if I'm happy to meet again or not. If that initial spark is there. If it isn't that doesnt mean a lengthy explanation from me. I just wouldnt meet them again. If they ask I'll say no but if I do want to ill ask. It's not difficult my point is, all this ghosting stuff is taken too seriously if someone isn't contacting you after one or two dates (or stops before you've met) they've either met someone else they like more or they have changed their mind etc.
Just enjoy it op. Meet as quickly as possible and be limited with the time you spend chatting until then. Dont be afraid to rule people out straight away if you arent feeling it. Be polite and honest and upfront but dont always expect others to do the same. You very much need to rely on your gut with OLD.

Some great advice @aLittleBitConfused1 Definitely given me something to think about. Thank you

That's what puts me off.