Head spinning. Would this be a problem to you at the start of a relationship?

[LolaCreamTea]

Head been spinning with this so would really like some opinions, maybe I’m blowing out of proportion

Had many dates with someone since late December. He’d had a break up in later October and we took things very slowly, only did the deed in February and mostly developed a friendship in this time. The last couple of weeks we have got much closer and it’s started to feel like the beginning of a relationship. Throughout the last couple of months I had understood that there were some loose ends to tie up with this ex - some stuff at her house and they were going to meet in the new year just to clear the air. He said he wasn’t really sure why she ended it, it was all vague and quite out of the blue, so he wanted this conversation to better understand what had happened. I was fine with this and he was always eager to tell me he had no desire to be with her (when she did text briefly in January about something practical he sent a very nice but simple message back and didn’t try to chat with her further).

Last week he came over on Tuesday after work. This is usual for us and we’ve been doing it for a few weeks. He seemed a bit down and after a while he admitted that he had seen a photo of his ex on Facebook on holiday with someone she was clearly in a relationship with. He was with her for two years but he didn’t break it off. He explained it was a bit of a shock and that he didn’t want to get back with her but he couldn’t stop thinking about the timing of it and whether she had met him while they were together etc. He also said he felt confused because they were supposed to meet in the new year and he never felt he had the opportunity to properly close the door on it all, a bit like it was hanging over him. I suggested he just ask her about this new relationship and the circumstances if it was affecting him that much. He did and she replied saying they’d met shortly after she broke up with him and that yes she was in a relationship and she said sorry for putting photos up without telling him first.

Anyway...since she’s told him this it’s like a weight has been lifted from him... he even said ‘I feel like a burden has been lifted.’ I’ve asked him why this is and he said part of his poor mental health is that he always wants certainty and to understand things and doesn’t like animosity with anyone. This does ring true for me with him as that’s exactly how I would describe him. BUT all of this has thrown me a bit. I felt we were progressing as a couple and then now I realise that all this time he was still analysing a past relationship? I’ve expressed my concern to him and he’s been desperate to tell me that it’s me he wants and that he sees a future with us and hopes that we will continue.

Would this bother you or put you off? As I said at the start, I really really like him and before this happened I felt deep down that this would go somewhere.

He needs to delete her as a friend on facebook. There's no reason to keep in touch with her on there. If he needs to contact her about strictly factual exchange of information, then he has her number to send a text. Exs on FB sharing images of them happy and moving on, only causes resent.
That's what I would push for.
Also, keep your options open with him. You're both single, so don't put all your eggs in one basket and date other people too, until you both decide it's time to be exclusive.

Another poster here who doesn't get some of these replies. What has he actually done wrong? Why on earth would you dump him?

It's taken ten years to meet someone you like, and you're thinking of ending it....just in case?

The fact that he 'needs clarity and is a massive worrier and can't tolerate uncertainty' would put me off him. Life doesn't work like that unfortunately and I can foresee you having to spend a tedious amount of time reassuring him and listening to him go on about various obsessive worries.

He’s done nothing wrong. He just feels better having had closure. He probably wasn’t even aware he needed that.

However, I’d be concerned over him being a ‘massive, massive worrier’. That could mean a lot of issues down the line.

He does need a lot of reassurance and has been very open about that. I don’t have a problem with that part of him personally and it’s not a factor in deciding if I want to take it further with him.

I too am of the mindset that he’s not done anything wrong necessarily. I just feel too old at 35 to waste time with someone who isn’t ready for what I want. I understand the closure point completely but feel annoyed that he didn’t have that before, all these weeks we had been dating?! Why suddenly now does he feel he has it, because he now knows she is off the table?! It doesn’t properly make sense to me.

It is early days I guess so I could take the approach of wiping the slate clean and seeing the relationship as developing from now. That seems to be the mature way of dealing with it. Agree with posters about throwing away something good that’s taken me years and years to find.

To be honest I don’t get it . You said he’s a worrier and needs to have closure . Events have unfolded , he now has the closure he needed and as you said he felt though a weight has been lifted . You also said that he is now more focused on you and your ongoing relationship . His reaction is totally normal . He was shocked when he saw a pic of his ex with someone else . That is entirely normal . He had been with his ex 2 years , that’s enough time to be a little sad when things don’t work out as he had probably hoped . But they haven’t , and he now seems ready to move on .
Personally I think you are probably overthinking this whole thing , worrying about why he’s doing this and that , and the timing behind it, and the reasons for it .
Recognize your misgivings , be a little cautious by all means ,but if you can’t , or don’t want to move past this , probably best to just call it a day and go your separate ways .

I think his reaction was normal too. I would be shocked if I saw holiday photos so soon after a break up. It would feel cruel and it would really hurt.

For me it is the idea that I’ve been going into this thinking we were getting closer, when in reality he had unfinished feelings towards his ex. That’s the bit I am finding hard.

Two years is not that long. And he was being pissy about her seeing someone when still with him. Now it’s all in the open just move on. Either with him or without him. But he’s done nothing wrong in my eyes. He’s been honest and you’re not happy with that?

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either. I don’t get the whole I’m not wasting my time because I’m thirty five thing either, what do you think there is some sort of guarantee he will marry you and spend the rest of his life wirh you if he decides to commit to a relationship? That’s not how it works op.

Each relationship evolves, as it does you both decide if it’s working. You can’t be saying if you’re not in it for the long run after a few weeks I’m out because I’m knocking on a bit now.

For me it is the idea that I’ve been going into this thinking we were getting closer, when in reality he had unfinished feelings towards his ex. That’s the bit I am finding hard.

But I don't see why that's necessarily the case? (The "unfinished feelings" bit.) To me, everything points towards him having unanswered questions that were playing on his mind, but not still having feelings for her.

I don´t think he has done anything wrong either. His reaction was natural and you knew he had only broken up with her shortly before you got together. I don't understand why you are considering breaking up with him over this.

There is no guarantee for any relationship that it will work out. This might be the start of a long relationship between you two or not. If you leave him, the next person you might find might be better or worse, you don't know. There is no way to know if you are wasting time or not. If you like him and it is going in a good direction, then I wouldn't end it if I were you.

I think his reaction seems quite normal. He can still be confused, mourning a relationship and have feelings for someone new. Life is not as black and white as people on here like to make out. When I first met my husband he was still confused about his ex probably still had feelings for her. Could I have been a rebound - maybe. 17 years later married for 13, 3 kids and happy I would say it was worth hanging around to see. Yes we have had our ups and downs as any relationship does but not all relationships start perfectly (particularly when you get to a certain age, most of us have emotional baggage) and some that don't start as a fairytale go on to work really well.

He's got closure because he now knows why she ended the relationship. He isn't stupid, he knows there was a crossover.

You are overthinking this. Why on earth would you dump the first person you've really liked in 10 years because it wasn't all neat and sorted at the beginning.

My start to my relationship was messy. I would never have let that mean I was letting a good man get away. In an ideal world it would have been different but it was what it was and life is rarely that simple.

It seems that no matter what he does from now, you will believe he still has feelings for his ex. He maybe ready for this relationship, but you are nit. The issue is with you, not him. He has been honest with you, whereas you have nit told him how this has made you feel

I've said it before and I'll say it again this is why people should just stay bloody single for longer than 5 minutes.
What is wrong with sorting your shit out and getting yourself to a mentally healthy place by yourself and for yourself before jumping into something with someone else.
People underestimate the power of healing and that takes time. I've seen it happen so many times and it's the precise reason I wont go anywhere near someone who jumps from one thing to another. This isn't a relationship it's a way of him masking the pain that the end of his relationship caused him, you cant avoid dealing with that stuff. It hurts and its shit but it's necessary and I personally think it's very wrong, and extremely unfair to rely on someone else to help you through it.

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Today 21:27 ALittleBitConfused1

I've said it before and I’ll say it again. What is wrong with sorting your shit out and getting yourself to a mentally healthy place by yourself and for yourself before jumping into something with someone else

Amen. I understand it’s hard after breaking up with someone you love, I’ve been there myself, but using another person as a rebound to numb your pain is incredibly selfish. I don’t understand why some people can’t bear to be single for longer than a week without jumping into another relationship. The chances of it working out are so low and so rare, why not let yourself heal? You’ll be in a far healthier place to have a relationship when you’ve got over the last one properly. I don’t get this fear of being single. I live my husband but being single was also really fun!

Op, you really are not making any sense to me, and I do mean that with kindness.

I know a fair few people who met their future husband or wife or long term partner when a bad relationship had either just finished or was finishing. Life is not cut and dry, unfortunately.

It is possible for someone to have unanswered questions and therefore unresolved feelings with one person, whilst also being interested in exploring what happens with a new person. If the new person is "right" and the old person is "wrong", time will mean that one road ends whilst another continues, naturally, even if there was a brief spot of time when they ran parallel.

In my view he has been honest with you, has expressed vulnerability, has been respectful of you, and seems to be approaching your relationship with appropriate levels of commitment / expression for its length of time. It might not be "perfect" in your eyes in terms of timing, but if the relationship and trust progress between you over time, this period and your analysis of it will soon pale.

It's not fair of you to want him to have been 100% into you right from day one, knowing he had just broken up with someone. Even if he hadn't nd had been single for a while, it takes time for people to want to progress in a relationship and commit to it.

I say go for it if you like him that much. I get that you are worried that it might not work out and that you will have wasted time, but that’s true of all relationships. Better to be making a go of it with someone you really like and could see a future with.

I would find it more odd if he didn’t have emotions after being dumped out of the blue after 2 years.

The feelings didn’t have to be yearning or deep unrequited love - maybe confusion - maybe trying to tap into gut feelings : / memories of something he didn’t understand during the RS. Turning that all over and over would have been burdensome and frustrating.

Sounds like now the penny has dropped that there was some level of crossover and it all makes sense now - so a big relief.

Doesn’t mean he was pining for her when with you.

Sounds like a good guy (didn’t rush at the RS) and you really like him. Throw yourself into it - hope it works out for you.