Too much alcohol?

[ednatheevilwitch]

I left my abusive ex last year and am divorcing. Now I'm seeing someone new who is great but I feel uneasy about his drinking. We share a bottle or two of wine when we see each other and I end up drinking more than I would like to to keep up with him. If I don't drink he will have a beer or wine on his own while I drink tea during the day. He has also ordered a pint with a breakfast when we went out and has drunk 6 or 7 pints when we watched the footie in the pub and came home and started on wine. When he is home alone I think he drinks wine every night. Would this worry you or am I being over cautious?

Alcohol with breakfast would certainly worry me.

“or two”.

I’d say that’s an issue right there, personally.

It sounds like you left this abusive ex only to go straight into the arms of an alcoholic or someone at the very least who has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol.

Are you codependent in relationships?. Read about this and see how much of that reflects in your own behaviours. You're still in the process of divorce and you are not ready to embark on another relationship at all!. You need to love your own self for a change and heal your own self first.

If your ex was abusive you certainly need to recover from his abuses of you and that takes time. Being in a relationship now and especially with someone like you describe is NOT what you need. I would urge you to now enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

If you remain with this current man for what are really your own reasons, you could also end up with alcohol dependency issues. You're already drinking more than you like to keep up with him and that in itself is very bad.

Leave this man and love your own self for a change. Because he does not either and his primary relationship anyway is with drink. His thoughts likely center too on where the next drink is going to come from. You are not his priority here, alcohol is.

He’s a heavy drinker. Which will come with a lot of problems. The thing you will notice first, is being moody when drunk or hungover. These moods extend into anger and volatility. Obviously he will lack control and judgement after a few drinks. This will have fallout for him or for you.

Long term his physical and mental health will be impacted. Expect higher risks of most longterm conditions. Along with ED and a lack of sex drive. Emotionally he can’t be as involved because he is frequently drunk, hungover or craving drink.

Alcohol of a mood altering drug. In high doses it Is a poison.

If it bothers you it's an issue. What he is doesn't matter and you'll end up in a bunfight on here. Dump him because it is an issue for you.

That would sound like a lot to me, and I like a drink!

That's far too much.

I personally wouldn't be ok with this, it's too much and I'd feel too much pressure to drink more then I'd like too.

That would bother me massively and I couldn't contemplate a relationship with such a heavy drinker. I think LemonTT has summed it up.

When someone is drinking to this level they are not emotionally connected to you.

They are always preoccupied, manoeuvring and plotting for their next drink. You are not front of mind. They are not emotionally connected to you when they are drinking, drunk and then hungover.

I expect at the b least you feel confused and lonely. Don’t try to fix him or get him to cut back. Walk away.

I wonder why his last RSs have failed?
What has he told you? I expect he has money issues, a flatlining career and a series of fall outs with family and friends.

It always gets worse and worse....was he on his best behaviour at the beginning of the RS?

Thanks everyone. Just wanted my feelings sanity checking. Such a shame as he is a really lovely, funny guy and we get on well otherwise.

You have done really well to notice this issue.

You have done really well to post on here.

Please keep up the good work and move on swiftly.

Such a shame as he is a really lovely, funny guy and we get on well otherwise.

Does this assessment not worry you?

Because 24/7 he is not emotionally available to you as he is either craving, drinking, drunk or hungover. If you think that this is an appropriate emotional connection (ie v shallow) then you need to do more work on yourself.

A pint for breakfast, Jesus! Why did you feel the need to ‘keep up’ with him?

Believe me I am working on myself and I'm proud that I got out of a desperately difficult marriage. It's precisely because I'm determined not to get myself into any other toxic relationships that I'm asking for other opinions on here. Thank you all for posting this has helped me hugely.

Ditch this alcohol dependent man now, love your own self for a change and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. It is for those who have previously been in abusive relationships. Your boundaries in relationships, already messed up by previous abuse, have been further eroded by this person and you cannot afford to keep on making what are really poor relationship decisions.

How would he react if you suggested he goes without alcohol for a month. Would he get defensive or try to give it a go.

@Attila - the problem with the freedom project is that all the classes run during the day time so if you work you can't take part. I may habe to do it online but most people agree it's most beneficial doing it in a group

@banana - I've gently mentioned it before and he said he used to drink more!! I might say I am going to stop for a bit. The trouble is I have so much else going on I really can't take responsibility for him or stress about how much he drinks.

I definitely think it is too much and also if it is affecting his wider life... that's a bit of a red flag.

But it is possible to be a nice person, funny, kind, but also a heavy drinker. There are several in my life who I love to bits. I wouldn't want a romantic relationship with them but they aren't bad people. In fact they are some of my favourite people. Im saying all this because I dont want you to think "I'm a fool, how can I have thought we get on well?!"

Having said that, it is bothering you and that is really, really important. And I dont think he is the man for you for that reason. But dont beat yourself up.

He may or may not be an alcoholic, but he is a daily drinker, a binge drinker, a morning drinker, a heavy drinker, a lone drinker, a social drinker. That would be enough kinds of drinking for me to be heading in the opposite direction. I know a lot of people who would refer to themselves as alcoholics and haven't been all those kinds of drinker. It seems excessive, and I would be not sticking around to find out if it's truly alcoholism or not, even if it isn't he is still looking at a future of cirrhosis, liver disease, wet brain etc. Physiologically at that level of consumption his body will be making those changes, whether he could stop if he wanted to or not.

Do you have DCs OP?
If so please do not inflict this on them.

AA don’t quantify the how, when, what and where of intake to define “alcoholic” they just say if it negatively impacts the RS of the drinker then it is alcoholism.

Yes his drinking is worrying. Would you be prepared to come out and tell him that you don't like it and that its a massive red flag for you? His response should tell you all you need to know.

The question really is: does it worry you?