Do I owe him

[Ihatevodka]

Hi all.

Can I ask, is there ever any reason you shouldn't break up with someone? I don't want to go into details as it will out me but I ended a relationship and have been made to feel very guilty about it. There's been hints about 'not wanting to go on' and remarks about how nasty I've been, basically it's been 'after everything I've done for you', as though I owe him.

I'm in bits about it, I suffer from MH issues due childhood abuse and I'm wondering if he's right and I DO owe him. I just don't know what to think anymore and I'm struggling.

Advice please?

You can owe money but you can’t owe a relationship.

That’s a life time of sex and care and effort. Nobody has done anything that requires that kind of debt.

You don’t owe anyone anything. I’m sure you had very good reasons to break up with this person. They are saying whatever they thinks it will take to make you come back. Don’t fall for it.

If they truly think you’ve been “nasty” then surely they wouldn’t be trying to persuade you to come back.

"Is there ever any reason you shouldn't break up with someone?

No

He is wrong.

You do not owe him anything here, least of all a relationship. He sounds manipulative as well as emotionally abusive here too, all this about him "not wanting to go on". HE is responsible for his own life and choices here, not you and I would also think he is merely projecting his own self i.e nasty onto you. What he has likely shown you here too is the nice/nasty cycle and that cycle of abuse is also a continuous one.

What support are you getting for your own self re your childhood abuse?. Have you contacted NAPAC for instance?. I have posted a link to them here napac.org.uk/.

Love your own self for a change and start to rebuild your life and mental health before at all starting a relationship with someone else. You are emotionally very vulnerable here still to the attentions of losers like the man you described along with other abusive types. I would also look at enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid; this could well help you move forward too.

No, you don't owe him anything!
He's being manipulative and nasty. And he absolutely will go on. It's an empty threat. People who genuinely want to end it all do so quietly so no-one can stop them.
In fact, the more he carries on the more evidence you've got that he's a total arsehole and that ending it was the right thing!

You don't have to be in a relationship with anyone you don't want to be with. Ever.

This person is manipulative & bitter. Why would anyone try to guilt a partner into staying in a relationship they don't want to be in? It's awful.

You owe them nothing.

He’s just proven that you’ve done absolutely the correct thing. You owe him nothing.

Please block him and make sure you’re safe.

You can leave for a reason or no reason. Your life and choice who you spend it with

You don't owe him anything
It definitely sounds like you made the right decision

Oh my goodness thank you for the replies, I'm a bit teary now

Yes I've had the cycle; nice/make me feel guilty/nasty. It's calmed down now but I've tried to remain friends as I'm petrified he'll do something stupid and not only do I not want that but his family would blame me and they're very vocal

He wasn't in a great place when we met and I helped take that away from him so I feel terrible guilt that I shouldn't have got together with him at that time and that I'm putting him back there again. He also did a lot for me and bought me things etc, which I can now see was another way of holding on to me as he would get quite annoyed if I refused. I'm embarrassed I allowed that to happen.

I have the chance of seeing a therapist which I think I'll do but I'm scared that they'll blame me too.

Thank you for the link, I'll have a look.

If a therapist blames you for goodness sake turn and walk out of their office, because they'd be a terrible, terrible therapist

You cannot be responsible for somebody else's choice to end their life. In fact you can't be held responsible for somebody else's choices, full stop. It sounds like the best thing would be to cut all contact. If you believe his life is in immediate danger, don't hesitate to call 999 and send them.

I think it is probably all a nasty manipulation tactic. All the more reason to definitely nor get back with him.

The therapist won't blame you. Block him. Care for your mental health first.

You don't owe anyone anything in that sense. If you did it would be that you owe yourself the chance to be happy. Just don't set out to hurt people on the way.

No therapist will blame you or tell you that you should have stayed with someone who made you unhappy

He's just trying to manipulate you by threatening he could hurt himself. Block him on your phone and don't see him anymore

I would think you have been blamed your whole life but the truth is your abusers are fully responsible here and the abuse you suffered is in no way your fault.

His family of origin sound as abusive as he is (which is no surprise there, the apple did not fall far from the tree). You should no longer be in any form of contact with any of them.

Do look at the links provided and get proper help to rebuild you for your own self. You also have the chance of seeing a therapist; take it!.

You’ve done absolutely the right thing. Block his number. If he does anything to himself - it’s not your fault.

I had an ex post empty packets of paracetamol through my letter box whilst he was sat on my door step. I completely ignored him and phoned his mother to remove him.

It’s emotional blackmail. Block him

Thank you all you've been very kind and helpful.

Atilla you're right, there's definitely blame throughout my life.

There's been hints about 'not wanting to go on

Anyone who utters this sentence should be dumped asap.

It’s emotional blackmail. It’s clearly the wrong relationship if he has to keep you with him by threatening suicide rather than by mutual love and respect.

If he is truly depressed and suicidal you can find some phone numbers for local crisis and MH services, encourage him to see his GP, then disengage completely.

You have done nothing wrong here at all! He has become reliant on you thats all .Many men also hate being "dumped" because they want to be in control . If his family are vocal thats their problem not yours .Someone once said to me if it doesnt feel right, then dont do it! I think you know your answer .Threatening committing Suicide is often an empty threat ,but MH issues are his and his alone not yours .You are not responsible for anyones happiness . Maybe some counselling may help ,I think you have issues of being blamed .and these need to be worked through with a trained Counsellor

You're all completely right, I know that. It just hard to control the panic and worst case scenario images in my head. And I was brought up to be a people pleaser and always put others first, hence the panic.

Thanks again everyone.

I can't think of any reason to remain in a relationship you're not happy with. You don't owe anyone your happiness, wellbeing and life. If someone is trying to make you feel guilty about leaving them, they are trying to manipulate you, control you and they are playing mind games with you.