God, where do I start? Any nasty/angry comments I'll just ignore as I'm incredibly fragile. I'm in a sexually (only recently been told this) and emotionally abusive relationship. We've been together since 2004 & he's my first proper relationship.
My mental health deteriorates intermittently and the most recent one, last Tuesday, I went as far as putting some of the many tablets in my mouth to overdose but spat them out from crying so much. I do have mental health support (DBT and a care coordinator I just talk to) but I've never improved with it. My partner can be very supportive to me and he's the only support I have. I've only really got 2 real friends who I rarely see and I'm not close to my family (mam and sister).
Recently he takes it upon himself to have sex with me. I just go along with it cos it's not worth the anger/huffs he goes in when I say I don't want sex. I hate sex with men. I'm bisexual but not openly. He violently shouted at me lastweek indirectly (his voice actually scared me) for leaving a jug of water in the front room and our 13 month old had spilt it. One time with the sex, I was laid on my side reading my book in bed and he just stuck his dick in and we had sex, or rather he had sex with me. I carried on reading my book. He said that was the worst sex ever. I've got a non-existent sex drive probably for 2 reasons 1) I hate sex with men and 2) depression kills your sex drive anyway.
I am working with a domestic abuse agency thing and have a support worker. It's her who told me that what he does to me is sexual abuse. I've got a long history of abuse from men since I was 14 and I don't want a relationship with a man.
But it's so hard. I have a 13 month old, 3 year old & 5 year old. We/I have no practical support from family or friends. Just my mam really but she's not in good health respiratory-wise with asthma and chronic wheezing/coughing and 70 (omg lol) this year. She offers no emotional support. I only have my partner who supports me, which is one of a few reasons I've stayed in this relationship cos I do literally have no-one. My friends don't give a shit about me, I could be dead for all they know cos I never hear or see anyone.
I'm going off on tangents but it's relevant, well I feel it is. So I've always been too scared to leave cos of the lack of support. But yesterday I was picturing myself moving into a refuge til I got council housing. This has put me off going onto thingy credit, not being able to feed my children and whatnot. I do struggle with them when I'm on my own with them. Breastfeeding makes it difficult while on my own with them. But thinking about leaving him, moving on, having the domestic abuse support workers to help me while I'm in the refuge and moving out (do u automatically get a social worker?).
Sorry it's really long and my head feels scattered trying to type this all out while explaining it in some sort of organised way. But now he's all nicey nicey. And this is what happens. I now feel supported by my daughters school cos at a TAF meeting recently, the deputy head said if I ever needed any support, needed to talk etc, to call in or ring up and speak to them or ask for her. My heart has been glowing ever since.
Sorry it's all over the place but I'd love to hear anyone else who's escaped domestic abuse, gone into a refuge, had young children/a baby and just how has it worked out? I'm scared of going back to work cos I always end up a victim of some form of bullying and my social anxiety stops me. I also don't trust employers being supportive about children/breastfeeding. I don't really want to go back til my 13 month old is 2 at the earliest, then at least I'd get free nursery place. I've also never worked since becoming a mam. I've been out of work for about 10 years. My background is working in care and I was also a student nurse (my dream career) but quit cos of bullying from an auxiliary nurse which affected my mental health, performance and my academic side