I think this may be long - sorry. I am trying to figure out if I am in an abusive relationship or just a very messed up one. I feel guilty even writing this though as DP has been really nice today 😞
We met aged 16 and 17, we were each other’s first serious relationship. We were like best friends from the day we met it was all very sweet. Looking back he always said from day one he always believed paying half’s on dates, fair enough (relevant later). We used to spend all our time together apart from one day a week when he played football (and then went on the town with his friends but he kept that from me for years I have no idea why). I didn’t go out much with friends because he would get grumpy and would be scared I would cheat on him. Even though I never had. He was very supportive of me during my uni studies and felt like my best friend.
Fast forward 5 years, he had saved a deposit to buy a house and move out of his parents home. I had also been saving but for a new car and offered to go halves on the house I wanted to live together. He said no it’s something he wants to do by himself which I respected but felt a little upset. So I started visiting his house 5 nights a week. Our sex life had died to practically nothing after 3 years together (looking back it was when I started the contraceptive pill). But we still got on in other ways and he had never complained.
Fast forward 2 more years and I had come off the pill as it was giving me problems with migraines, my sex drive came back and with in 3 months I found myself pregnant. We were happy and he said I could move in with him which I did but as soon as I found out I was pregnant I went off of sex again. 3 months into the pregnancy I came home early from work and found him in bed with another woman. He cried and said he just wanted to feel wanted as we hardly ever had sex. I felt so guilty and forgave him. He said it was the first time and I believed him as he had always been so attentive and caring to me. And I felt responsible because I just had no sex drive at all. We even went a year once without sex. When our daughter was 2 weeks old I needed to borrow his laptop as mine had broken. I stumbled across photos of this woman I found him in bed with and messages, it had been going on for 6 months before that day I caught him, and carried on for another 6 months after, she stopped it when I gave birth. There were also photos of other women on there. My neighbour heard me crying outside, came round and asked what was wrong, I told her and she said oh love there has been several women coming round for about 2 years but it all stopped when I was pregnant. I was in utter shock. I confronted him he broke down and said I could have the house for me and the baby and he would move out. I stupidly forgave him, it all felt too much I just wanted it all to go away 😞
From then on I noticed other things.
He never helped with our daughter, and started taking all the overtime he could get. He said it was because we would need more money with a baby. I found out he was £10,000 in debt. He had an expensive car, nice clothes and liked to gamble. After one year my maternity pay ran out. I told him I had no money to buy things for our daughter. He said maybe I would stop being lazy and go back to work then. I started working part time, and used the money to buy things for our daughter, clothes, shoes, swimming lessons etc. Even though the relationship didn’t feel right I was content being a family and being a mum and went on to have a second daughter. That’s when everything got worse. I had a c section and struggled to cope with a baby and a toddler. When I came home from hospital he said he was so tired from looking after the toddler he needed a nap and left me with both.
I became frustrated doing everything, he became frustrated I wasn’t working but I couldn’t afford childcare for two. He said my retired mother should help. Our sex life died again as I could barely stand to look at him. He showed no interest in our daughters at all. Became demanded of what I cooked him for dinner, how the washing was done etc. I felt exhausted and struggled financially my mum bought the dds clothes and I scrimped on the food shopping money he gave me to afford their swimming lessons. Meanwhile he had a new car, new clothes, gambled and got further into debt. He did treat us to a holiday once a year though and said that was why he was in debt.
Fast forward youngest DD started school. I went back to work school hours. He worked 6 days a week on night shift including weekends as it paid better (he started nights when oldest DD was born) so we hardly saw him since she was born. I became resentful working then doing all the housework and cooking then spending weekends alone with the DDs food shopping and cleaning it was miserable.
I then got attention from a younger man at work. I felt alive. We went out for drinks and ending up texting a lot. I told him I had fallen for him and we kissed a few times in the pub car park after work. I left my phone out and my DH saw. Said he would leave. That should have been the end but I begged him to stay 😞 I don’t know why. Maybe because deep down I do love him and was scared to not be with him.
Since then he questions wherever I go, seems angry a lot, and I feel uncomfortable. Which is my own fault as I was unfaithful. He doesn’t like me spending time on my phone.
My oldest DD has started to get the tween attitude and now her and DH clash. It’s awful. She keeps saying I don’t want to live with him mummy he is always grumpy.
Then once every so often (maybe once a month) he will seem nice, help me with some house work, and interact with the DDs.
I know he is sad that we have no sex life but he literally makes me feel anxious and I’m upset that he is not a good dad.
But today he has been nice. He prepared dinner which he never does, and helped the girls with the spellings which he never does, and spoke in a nice tone of voice to us.
I’m confused if I’m financially abused as if I need things for me or the DDs I have to work for this like school trips, uniform, Xmas presents etc. It costs me about £500 a month for everything as they also play instruments and do dance and that includes Xmas for everyone birthday parties etc. But he does work hard to pay the mortgage and utility bills and he gives me £80 a week for the food shopping. But I always go over so add extra in out of my £600 a month wages.
And I don’t know if this is emotional abuse as I’m now scared to tell him I want to leave. I can imagine the angry look in his eyes. I tried to leave at Xmas and he said there must be someone else, I said there wasn’t and we would try to work things out. My friend left her husband last month and he said a woman would only leave her husband if there was another man so now I’m scared to say I want to leave again.
I just don’t know what to do.
I spend 6 nights a week alone while he works nights, I found out he has gambled another £10,000 last year, He bought a £30,000 car but he said he works nights to support the family as I only work part time. I don’t know what to think anymore. If it’s me being unreasonable or him.