What does ‘working on a relationship’ look like?

[goodnightfromhim]

Just that, really - what does it mean to work on or focus on your relationship? For context, I’m mid-forties and have been together with DH for ten years, and he’s still a good, kind, thoughtful, hard-working person. He’s always made me laugh and I know I’m lucky to be with him and wouldn’t find anyone like him again.

We have two DDs - youngest DD is 3. Sex has been pretty moribund since before she was born - maybe one or twice a month, which seemed to suit both of us - but we kept on reassuring each other that it would pick up when we were less knackered all the time.

Last year I developed a crush on a work colleague. At first it was just a bit of (I thought) harmless fun, something to make a very boring job more exciting, but it eventually became one of those miserable adolescent-style infatuations. It’s never gone beyond that, but it’s made me realise that I don’t really fancy DH any more and we don’t really have anything in common any more beyond the kids (although that’s not helped by my going to bed early every night because I’m tired). I’m not revolted by him, it’s not the ‘ick’ - I could probably cope with sex if he really wanted it, and we still hug a lot. But I don’t really want to kiss him and the last couple of times we’ve had sex, it’s been over really quickly because it’s been so long since the last time.

The advice I always see on here when someone admits to a crush on someone else is to focus on your relationship. But what does that actually mean in practice? Counselling, sure, date nights, sure, but these things cost money (including for sitters - no family support nearby) which we just don’t have. I’ve already had blood tests for being so tired all the time and no issues were found. What would you do to try and sort out a stagnant relationship?

People will have different definitions of what working on a relationship means. To me it means being kind, considerate and finding the time for each other. Listening to what your partner is saying and making compromises and reasonable changes.

It sounds as though your crush has thrown your relationship into stark relief and you no longer find your husband attractive. I would be very hurt if my partner thought sex with me was something they could 'cope with' and would probably end the relationship.

We went to some massage classes together that were lovely. Tried to have a night away together every two months. Takes through the difficult times and made sure we still appreciate each other and tried to do things for each other. And sustained our own interests. All got a lot better for us when youngest was 6.5 years old.

DH and I are working hard on ours as I almost left him at Christmas. We both have separate counselling and are making time to talk about our feelings and various things that come up for us (not everything we say in counselling, just what we want to share).
It’s not feeling like ‘work’ any more, so must be going well I think.

And I had exact same feelings about dh. I don’t anymore, four years on.

It will cost you a lot more financial and emotional in the long run. Get some counselling, at least once a month.
Maybe offer to child care for a friend and for the to do the same once a month.

Date night are good but it's more about sharing time, so do something fun like pamper each other or board games. Something that will connect you and make you laugh.

You both need to want to last. Being a lone parent truly is no fun, and as long as your relationship isn't abusive then really take the time to be friends and lovers again.
Add the fun.

@12345kbm “cope with” is probably a bad way of putting it - just that I’m not going to seek it out myself but I wouldn’t necessarily reject him, unless I were exhausted, which I often am. (And he does more than pull his weight as far as getting up with the kids etc is concerned.)

I’m just finding it hard at the moment to think of things we’d enjoy doing together. I think we’re both trying to be considerate of each other and thinking about what the other night need, but I can imagine going out for dinner (for example) and either talking about the kids or having nothing else to say. I’m probably a boring git nowadays!

I’m in the same boat. The post from @Haggisfish has given me hope. Thankyou @Haggisfish. My youngest is 18 months so still in the trenches. I’ve thought about splittIng so many times. I wasn’t prepared for how much strain my children would put on my relationship. Wouldn’t give them up for the world but my marriage is in a right rut too.

OP I can completely relate. Things are always better when we spend time together but we don’t have babysitter or cash on tap for date nights or nights away.

Honestly when my dc were 4 and 2 was nearly the end of us. No sex, nit picking over who did what and when. It was rubbish. Throughout it all though we did recognise and acknowledge all the things the other person did that were supportive and helpful and we did always try and big each other up. Relate counselling really helped us. I also realised after one dc was diagnosed in autistic spectrum that dh is also on it. This changed the way I approached our issues slightly but even if he hadn’t been on it, counselling helped us. Eg dh said in counselling that when I get in from work I splaff about everyone and everything I know and he stops listening after the first three things as he finds it overwhelming. I now think and tell him most important stuff first. He chills for a bit and then listens to the rest of my shit. Really simple but made a huge difference to our relationship.

Dh has always done his hobby throughout it all and he has encouraged me to as well. I realised once that I hugely resented him still doing it (twice a week for 2 hours) but it helps his stress massively. He was absolutely fine with me taking same time even if I just went and sat in the car for half an hour or went to the library. I realised I had to stop martyring myself and make time for me as well.

Sorry for massive posts!!

@Haggisfish No, thank you for posting - it’s reassuring to know that there’s the possibility of getting through this bleak period! I think part of my fear (is this dripfeeding?) is that my parents never seemed to get on - at best they tolerated each other, but more usually they bickered and fought and criticised each other (often to me and DB) - and I’m worried that this could be it, that DH and I are turning into them, and I don’t know how to put the brakes on that

I think you're being hard on yourself. Having young children is hard work and you don't get the time or inclination to concentrate on a relationship. I'd tell him that you are struggling a bit but that you still love him (?) but it's difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Concentrate on both being good parents and one day you'll wake up and realise being a mum has actually got a bit easier. Then you can sit back and think - what happens now, do we carry on or not? It's so easy to chuck it all in when you feel like you do now but being a single parent would be much harder! Take each day as it comes, be kind to each other and see if you can get through this together before you make any rash decisions.

Same here OP, bickering parents and an awful home life growing up. I cannot ever remember laughing when I was growing up. These posts have given me so much hope, thankyou, sorry to hi jack your post OP.