Advice. Is He is benching me or am I benching him

[Ginbunny1212]

I am very confused and need done advice or perspective.

Ended things with my ex few moths ago. We were only going out for 6 months. It was a comfortable relationship (like no awkwardness), we got each other and sex was great. I ended as his life was busy (I was never a priority, like he would plan his life and I only slotted into his free tim) distance from each other and I wasn’t that happy. He was also very guarded - said he had been hurt in relationships before so had walls up. He wouldn’t share the problems with his teenager, to give me an opportunity to support, so closed down and disappeared when issues happened.

He agree to my reasons and said he was interested he just got really busy over Xmas (family, kids and working as teacher and running own business). I may have jumped the gun, but felt I was being faded out.

Fast forward a month ago. We started texting as he was going through a rough time with his teenager. We are now texting everyday like we were when we had we going out. Kisses at the end. I had a nightmare travel to see family on Friday and he was checking I was ok all the way through. He has now opened up to me about his life issues. We saw each other 2 tines. Once he ended up staying over and the other was lunch. We have gotten on so well.

However we are both in dating apps. Not too sure his luck, but I have had a few dates lined up. I am struggling to make a connection with any dates (i am fussy), but always thinking about ex. It is really comfortable to be intouch, we just don’t seem to make any plans to meet up.

So I am interested to try again, but not sure he is. Would you text someone everyday if you were not interested? It’s not like we like round the corner to have a FWB situation? What do I do?

I have no idea what 'benching' is, but think you would be best off talking to him about it.

I wouldn't be interested if he was stil on dating apps and dating though.

Stop texting, start phoning and have a real conversation that you have had on here and discuss this thread with him. Ask him whether he is interested in rebuilding a relationship or is he only available as friends as he is too busy for a relationship right now. This will answer all your questions I hope. Good luck OP.

Some people quite enjoy just the banter so don't read too much into that. You need to tell him what you want and if he's not on the same page, move on with other dates and cut contact.

There is potential here for you to get hurt if you sit back, waiting for him to want what you do.

Be brave, find out if you are both prepared to put in the effort.

I think you're on dodgy ground here OP and should tread carefully. The relationship is over so is he getting the benefits of a relationship without having to make any effort?

After six months you should have a pretty good idea if the relationship is feasible. It looks as though he took you for granted or didn't value you enough to make room for you in his life.

When you meet someone you see a future with, you don't want to lose them and you listen to their concerns and make an effort. He didn't do that in your case.

I would move on and stop the free counselling.

It sounds like you have become his pen-pal therapist.

I see everyone’s point and that is my concern. I feel the last few weeks of our relationship was not great. Xmas got in the way and other commitments. I feel I was turning needy and ended it hasty. Although he was acting as if he was fading me out.

The not valuing my time was the concern. He had started a new business and overcommitted his time. He had stopped doing some things to sign time with me but then I was next. He said he realised that, when I ended it. He said he didn’t want to end it.
However he had listened to me and offering support, especially with things happening in my life. When he stayed over he stayed till afternoon, hesitated and said see you around as he gave me a kiss and a hug bye. Texted me loads since. Not too sure if I am using him or him me as a stop gap.

I like him as he is easy to be round. Just needed to open up. His last relationship was very codependent and he got his independence back and it seemed he acted that way in case I turned codependent. Which I am not.