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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I the only one...

17 replies

Helloandhi · 01/03/2020 12:45

That seems to have difficulties with men accepting I want some alone time? Time to myself, time to do things with other people, time to do things other than just have a relationship be the focus of my entire life?

I just feel suffocated really. Readers of my other threads know that I am not in the most healthy relationship anyway. It is worse because he lives very close. I just want space, not the presumption that I will always be seeing him. I told him this many times before and told him I was tired of always being the one that says I have other plans or want time to myself. He said he doesn't expect to see me all the time but he never says he wants a night to himself. He never has other plans because he is a shut-in basically. And sometimes he says things that are presumptuous like "see you tomorrow" even though we had never discussed or agreed to see each other tomorrow. It just annoys me a little.

He has never demanded that I do nothing but see him, that I don't see friends or anything like that. He has never demanded that my whole life just revolve around a relationship. But it is just the fairly regular presumptions like the example above, and the fact it is always me that says I want a night to myself (then I feel guilty for it) that bothers me. And I know I can't have more than a few nights to myself without him worrying/not being happy about it even though he doesn't really say that outright, I just get the feeling.

Maybe I am no longer cut out for serious relationships! (I have had a lot of bad experiences prior to this anyway. I come from a small family, I am independent and do like my all alone time. I would also like to try and focus my time more on building friendships specifically with women)

This one is also difficult because when we are together, we have to just do things together. Like we have to be watching TV together (this is pretty much all we do anyway apart from eating and sex). When I lived with my long term ex, we were in the same part of the house but often did other things, he would be gaming, I would be reading etc. So I guess that made me feel more happy as I knew we could be in close proximity, hang out a bit but still follow separate interests etc. If that makes sense. I suppose it is easier to do that if you do live together though.

I suppose I am just having a rant and wonder if anybody else has had this experience?

OP posts:
12345kbm · 01/03/2020 12:51

Why are you with him OP?

It sounds really suffocating and boring. I'd go nuts if all I did was watch TV with someone. He sounds very controlling.

Work out what you're getting out of the relationship and how it's meeting your needs.

Helloandhi · 01/03/2020 12:57

I know, this is basically the route most of my other threads have gone! 😂

He is funny and kind and attractive and has been a good friend during I time when I myself have been lonely after massive heartbreak and also not had many friends (but I guess if I wasn't in this relationship I might have had more time to focus on that)

He has just tried to pull something that he did last weekend though which I had a whole other thread about, going out to get me something I hadn't requested and then saying he would drop it off, like as an excuse to see me. Last week I didn't have the chance to respond before he was at my door but now at least I have been able to reply and say sorry I will get it off you another time as I am busy today.

Geez!

OP posts:
12345kbm · 01/03/2020 13:01

I don't know about your other threads but one way of gauging this is to ask yourself a question. If there was another man, attractive, intelligent and with hobbies such as hiking, theatre and had nice forearms, would you be out the door?

Sometimes we settle and it sounds as though you've been through a lot and have got into a comfortable rut.

Helloandhi · 01/03/2020 13:11

Honestly I am not sure as what I really wanted before meeting this one was just to be single for a long time and build a happy life without any man, hobbies or not!

I guess the main things I struggle with is he has no mates to introduce me to or have fun with, and he doesn't like the same music as me. In the past I used to love going to gigs and festivals with boyfriends and wouldn't be able to do this with this one. In fact music used to be such a big part of my life, now I rarely listen to it, I have lost myself really but I don't think that is necessarily this guy's fault...it is partly because I have had mental health and other life issues.

On the other hand we did go on holiday together and he was very present and attentive the whole time, rather than being on his phone always etc like other men I have known on holiday.

Ahh I dunno I just fancied a rant! 😂

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 01/03/2020 13:13

It's good that you take time for yourself
Just because you have a bf doesn't mean you're supposed to be joined at the hip

TorkTorkBam · 01/03/2020 13:14

Go out to some gigs!

Get your focus onto making friends with your interest in music.

Your relationship with him may or may not survive. Build back your own life and it will become easy to decide about him.

12345kbm · 01/03/2020 13:16

Well, if you're otherwise happy OP, I would start building a life for yourself and stop revolving around this man. Go to gigs, listen to music, go and do stuff. You are allowed to have a life alongside a relationship.

Helloandhi · 01/03/2020 13:19

Yes I know, thanks all. I plan on doing this. Not really in the best financial position right now to go out much etc but I am also working hard on that side of things

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 01/03/2020 13:23

Have you tried saying ,"look I am happy to see you once or twice a week, I need 3 nights a week to myself, 2 for my friends and 2 for you, if you don't like that find another girlfriend'

I always put my foot down with boyfriends as I genuinely wanted to see them no more than twice a week. Anymore and I feel smothered.

Helloandhi · 01/03/2020 13:37

Hi @Bananalanacake thanks, yes I feel the same about being smothered. I have been considering something like that yes, suggesting a schedule of sorts as he does stick to a schedule for other things in his life ( eg seeing family) so seems to work well for him. God does make him sound a bit boring though!

OP posts:
12345kbm · 01/03/2020 13:43

That's because he is boring OP.

Helloandhi · 01/03/2020 13:46

😂

OP posts:
WhereDidAllTheFunGo · 01/03/2020 13:56

Yep he is boring
Sounds like you know this has run its course. Rip the plaster off and find someone who respects your boundaries.

DimplesMcGee · 01/03/2020 13:57

I think you should suggest the schedule. Then he can say no if that doesn’t work for him. Let him find someone who is happy to stay in all the time watching TV, they can be happy together being codependent and you can find someone else who doesn’t want to live in your pocket.

Helloandhi · 01/03/2020 14:00

Thanks, yes I will try suggesting the schedule first and then see...

Although I do also agree it has probably run its course anyway, we have had too many other issues, I have my own issues to deal with as well, and I really do just want a future of enjoying being a single woman

OP posts:
WhereDidAllTheFunGo · 01/03/2020 14:05

Fabulous. Ive had that conversation this week with ex-dp. Fairly similar.
I just joined the dating thread... come over and join us when youre free of all this unnecassary BS x

isthismylifenow · 01/03/2020 14:23

Went through something similar too recently OP. I could not handle the smothering, so much so that I ended things. It became such a big thing that it overshadowed all the good bits in the relationship.

But he too was a bit boring. Happy to just sit and watch TV. But then moan about communication lacking....

I'm ok being single again. I took a bit of a knock when reality hit, but I know it's for the best.

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