My mum's funeral

[babayjane67]

Hi
Please be kind just looking for opnions really.
My mum passed away 4wks ago&we have her funeral on Fri.
My 11 yr old DD wants to go which is absolutely fine.
My friend is coming with her son who is the same age as my DD.theyve always been very close.he wants to support her which is lovely.
My dd has asked if they,my friend &son,can sit with us for the service.myself&her dad have no problem with this&neither does my sister.my 2 adult DDS though do have a problem with it.they think it should only be family sat in first few rows&that my friend&her son should sit back somewhere with other ppl like neighbours,friends etc.
One of my eldest DDs rang me yest to say how she felt&that she wanted to say her piece now as she didn't want to cause a problem/have a go at anyone on the day.which she would have done had she not rang me&she just saw my friend & her son sat in the front with us.
I haven't spoken to my 2 brothers about this yet to ask them if they're ok with it.there are quite a few in our family but it's quite a big place that probably holds a good 100 people with standing as well.so there should be plenty of room for family to sit at the front&other people to get in.
Should I say to my friend that her&her son can't sit with us&therefore risk upsetting my 11 yr old or do I stay with what she wants&risk upsetting my adult DDS?
I'm not sure what the protocol is& don't want to upset anyone when we are all already very upset.

Protocol is the own family in front. Can they sit behind DD so they can hold hands? Would that be acceptable for the others?

Your DDs have, as they put it, said their piece. You should acknowledge their feelings on the issue and think it over. Maybe discuss it with your brothers and ask for open and honest opinions. Tell your DDs you are doing this so they know you have listened and taken their feelings into account. But you don’t need to act on them.

Basically decide if it makes any difference to you? It wouldn’t to me.

A compromise, if you need it, would be for the friends to sit directly behind you.

Can they sit on 2nd row with your dad?

DD not dad

Do they take anyone’s place. Are any children/grandchildren forced further back because of it

Procotol would be family only for the first few rows. If it’s important to you that your Dd sits with him why not wait to see what space there is. Or just sit slightly further baxk
Because if it’s important to you for you to be at the front it’s harsh on others for whom the same is true (and the family is clearly quite large) to give two spaces to people who didn’t really know your mum

Thanks for yr replies.
Yes I have said about them sitting behind us instead&the one DD still said it's just family at the front they should sit with other people behind&that it's only a 20 min/half HR service.they can do what they want after.
My dp has said he&youngest DD will come in behind rest of the family&sit with my friend&son if need be so they can still sit together but then they meabs they won't be there with me.i will be with my brother's &sister&one of my brother's wife.

I'm sorry your mum has died. I hope you're all managing ok.

Immediate family sit together at the front. Everyone else sits behind. It's only a 20 minute service or thereabouts, I'm sure your DD will be fine with you and her dad.

Would your friend honestly expect to, or want to, sit with immediate family they don't really know at a funeral? If she does I think that's odd.

Thanks Noworries.
No my friend wouldn't expect it it's just that my dd wants them to.

This is very bizarre, and I mean this respectfully. I’m sorry your mum has died
Why does an 11 boy insist on sitting with an 11 DD at a funeral? Are they dating? Or in a relationship of any kind?
Your friend should not expect to sit with family at your mothers funeral, she has no right to.
I empathise with your older DD, she’s right.
Your friend, does she like to be centre of attention?
She’s not a chief mourner, so don’t give her that status.
So strange.

Op I think you have to walk gently with this but I agree with your DD having them at the front few rows isn’t appropriate here.
At the funeral is fine

I think a deeper issue is how reliant your DD appears to be on an 11 year old bou

At my DFs funeral I was surprised to be separated from my DH and DCs, but was ushered into front row with siblings and DM, funeral director did this, we had no choice (happened so quick didn't react), so guess that's protocol. If nobody minded you could do it but as there are objections I wouldn't push it. Also is your child even going to sit with you, mine weren't 'allowed' to.

Why not ask dd11 whether she would prefer to sit a little further back with her friend and his mum or with her own family at the front. Tell her you don’t mind which she decides that you just want her to feel comfortable.

Bubbles thankyou.
Nobody is insisting on sitting together not even my 11 yr old DD.she has just asked if my friend&her son could!
Her&the boy are very close have been since birth.theyve just become bf&gf In last few weeks such as that status is when you're 11
She's just asked if they could sit with us&I've asked the others.2 out of 3 of which are not happy about it.theres been no insisting of anything.
I'd like her&my dp to sit with me even if it's the row behind but he's now saying that they'll go in behind everyone else so that my friend&son can sit with DD.

Frenchwife yes that's a really good idea actually.i'll do that.thankyou.

I find all this hierarchy stuff at funerals a bit odd, and anyway it always causes issues.

To be honest, I see their point. At all the funerals I have been too it is immediate family front row, extended family row after.

Your friend could sit one or two rows behind, I think this would be most respectful to all concerned.

If your daughter would be most comfortable sitting with your friend and ds at the back then that's fine, but I think you would need to explain that you and your DH will be sitting at the front. We have open coffin funerals for part of our service (which lasts over an hour). I sat with my children and DH at the front for most, then DS was taken out of the church with DH and I sat at the back with my DD for the open coffin bit. No one thought this odd, it was just as it was so if she is more comfortable with them further back, then I would allow it

A friend of mine died leaving a primary aged child (10)
I was the only one to take my child to the funeral dispute the friendship group being really tight, so the daughter only had 1 friend at the funeral.

The daughter came and found us at the crematorium and asked if my dd could sit with her- I said as long as your family are okay with that.
They sat together I think it was second row and the friends family all came and said thank you for bringing support for the daughter.

My dd has been to lots of funerals in her little life and is very empathetic but not overly emotional.

Can the mother not sit somewhere else and dd just have her mate with her?

Family is always in the first two rows. It is a difficult time and I am sorry but I wouldn't be prioritising an 11 yr olds boyfriend and his mum, close friend or not. Funerals are difficult for children and your daughter will need you and her family around her.

Thank you for these lovely suggestions I will ask DD what she wants to do.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

I find it odd that your adult dd would make a fuss about who sits where at her grandmother's funeral. I think I sat in the 4th row at my dad's funeral. My step mum was surrounded by her children, as she needed to be and I didn't need to mark my place by sitting up front.

It gives your dd comfort and means you get to focus on being the grieving daughter not a responsible parent. I probably would see if your 11 year old wanted to sit further back with your friend.

Thankyou Littletabbyocelot
Yes it will give her exactly that bless her!
That's the point I was trying to get across.
Yes I will see if she wants to do that I think.
Im pretty sure my dp her dad will want to sit with her too to be honest

My 2 oldest DDS were very close to my mum.she was more like a second mum to them,as I was divorced from their dad&I was on my own so she did alot with them/fir them.so it's not like a normal grandmother/granddaughter relationship if u see what I mean.

Are all/some the other family close to each? Maybe your older daughter is worried about getting upset and feels safer with people she knows very well/have also lost that person (mother/cousin/grandmother) very close. The friend may be very special to your 11 year but not to others.

I think your going through a tough time atm and working out how to place your DD with her 11yr old boyfriend shouldn't really be something you need to be worrying about. The logical thing to do is have your close family sitting with you and your DD. Thinking she can sit a few rows back with an 11 yr old boy at her grandmothers funeral isn't going to work. Seeing he coffin come in will likely tip her over the edge and she will want her mum and dad. I know your trying to accommodate her wishes however I think you need to put your foot down on this one and keep your DD with you and her friend sits with his mum.