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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally unavailable

26 replies

nimsem2 · 29/02/2020 23:45

After 10 years with DP I feel I need to leave. We have no kids together. He never supports me emotionally through anything and after a recent cancer scare I feel I can't do this anymore. I have told him how I feel and what I need but he doesn't even reply. He just thinks I am having a go at him. I can scream and cry in front of him and he just walks away. I feel bad about leaving as he isn't a bad guy, but I need more.

OP posts:
Pandamoore · 29/02/2020 23:49

I think you need to rethink 'he isn't a bad guy'. Because someone who literally doesnt give a fuck that their wife is crying - is a bad guy. He lacks empathy. Run.

I'm sure some people will say 'could he be depressed?'. Maybe. But I'd guess it's more likely that he just doesn't give a shit.

And you should give a shit - about you. Take care of yourself. Because he will just continue to make you miserable. Life is too short!

Original poster
nimsem2 · 29/02/2020 23:51

Thank you. I just don't like hurting people but I don't think he's capable of feeling hurt.

OP posts:
Pandamoore · 01/03/2020 00:03

Trust your gut on that one.

I think sometimes we try to excuse or forgive stuff that we shouldnt because we want to think the best of those close to us.

But the truth is, some people arent like us.
And many ppl just arent very nice people.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/03/2020 03:54

He's not emotionally attached to you OP.. you cannot go through those things and not feel something unless you genuinely do not give a fuck... he sadly does not give a fuck... I'm glad you are leaving.. fear not as you are correct.. he will feel nothing 🌺

knowmenclature · 01/03/2020 04:01

Thats sad to hear that you have been so upset and he remains unmoved Confused Hmm

Really weird, in a sinister way. Get gone. He's some sort of psychopath surely to be so unemotional and uncaring.

Was he always this way, out of interest?

Techway · 01/03/2020 04:05

Exactly what Pandamoore said.

I don't think he is a nice person as he lacks empathy, doesn't feel remorse, invalidated your feelings and stonewalls you. I think you might need to redefine what a healthy relationship is as yours isn't.

You deserve better..I wouldn't waste time or energy trying to get through to him to or even explain why you want to leave as he won't want to hear it.

GlassOfProsecco · 01/03/2020 08:40

It's a sad realisation that you are in a relationship with someone who cannot meet your needs & that you are getting nothing out the relationship.

@Techway hits the nail on the head.

Time to move on Thanks

Monty27 · 01/03/2020 08:42

Get out and get happy.
Enjoy your life. It's the only one you'll ever have.
Flowers

Original poster
nimsem2 · 01/03/2020 09:27

Yes he's always been this way. In the early days he used to say he needed time before he could open up to me. I think he's had enough time. I feel an idiot for staying so long.

OP posts:
GlassOfProsecco · 01/03/2020 09:39

You can't go back, OP.

Hindsight is the most exact science on earth........ Thanks

anotherdisaster · 01/03/2020 09:45

Your recent health scare will be a reminder that life is too short. Imagine if you did get very ill! He would not be there for you. Don't waste any more of your precious life on this man. You deserve to be happy.

Panpastels · 01/03/2020 13:36

What does support look like to you?
As an avoidant type I must admit the thought of someone screaming and crying in front of me would make me want to hide, but I can do support in other ways.

Eesha · 01/03/2020 14:08

Op, people like this don't change. All you can do is change your actions. I'm seeing someone emotionally unavailable at present but it's casual. I completely know he isnt right because although I'm not needy per se, I would want someone who is emotionally supportive when I need them. Cut your losses and find someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.

Original poster
nimsem2 · 01/03/2020 15:16

After 4 days of having results back he still hadn't asked what happened or how I felt. Never once said he hopes things go ok before that either. It was then I told him how it had hurt that he hasn't asked about me and got upset. I cried and then got annoyed when he just didn't respond to me. I have learnt not to be emotional around him but something as serious as my recent health scare changed how I saw him. I have realised I would be better alone. I am upset it's come to this but I don't think I can do it anymore.

OP posts:
Eesha · 01/03/2020 15:29

@nimsem2 it's not quite the same but I told a partner that I was having issues with an abusive ex and all her sent was a sad emoji. That was the end really. Like I said, these people change and clearly you want someone more supportive

TigerDater · 01/03/2020 15:39

Having to not be emotional around your partner is such a sad way to live. Your health scare has woken you up to what you need, so turn it into a positive experience and use it as an impetus to end the relationship. Whether that hurts him or not is not your concern - YOU are your concern.

GlassOfProsecco · 01/03/2020 16:26

OP, have a read about avoidant/dismissive personality types - does it found familiar?

Original poster
nimsem2 · 01/03/2020 17:09

No I haven't. I will look at that tonight when I get chance. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
nimsem2 · 01/03/2020 17:44

@GlassOfProsecco It's not him. He is more emotionally unavailable. He shows no sign of jealousy or a fear of us splitting up.

OP posts:
Pandamoore · 01/03/2020 18:07

Probably more towards npd or other cluster b. Theres a lot of it about unfortunately. Either way though, it's not like it would be a reason to stay with them and be miserable.

Techway · 01/03/2020 18:34

@Pandamoore, guess we have had the same experiences as my thoughts are similar to yours.

I assumed Ex was avoidant but it was much more malignant than that. It is shocking when you realise that your partner is disordered but the percentage of the population is thought to be 15% so many of us will meet these individuals.

OP, I believe my health issues were triggered by the environment I was living in. When you are invalidated those feelings have to go inward and that is not healthy. You also have to become numb to emotions.

I used to justified his behaviour but it became clear later that he was not capable of caring. He is similar with the children now, he will act if there is a chance his behaviour is likely to be seen by others so it is confusing and took me years to see the link.

What was his childhood like?

Pandamoore · 01/03/2020 18:40

I would agree with the 15% stat. Feels about right. It's odd that I grew up being taught that for the most part, there was good and bad in everyone...but I've realised - there are most definitely entirely bad people. And they arent rare either. Scary.

Original poster
nimsem2 · 01/03/2020 19:13

@Techway
Not too sure about his childhood. He says he has always had to be independent yet I feel he is dependent on me. He has nothing to show for his 52 years yet works hard. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
GlassOfProsecco · 01/03/2020 19:48

My partner, as well as being avoidant/dismissive, is quite far along the narcissistic spectrum too.

He lacks empathy, cannot cope with being challenged (gets angry & blames me for his actions), is very passive-aggressive, avoids responsibility- but on the surface is Mr Nice - it took me a long time to see it.

Original poster
nimsem2 · 01/03/2020 19:51

@GlassOfProsecco that's interesting. My dp can show anger and always blames other people.

OP posts:
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