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Original poster

Should I be worried that he has been messaging another woman?

57 replies

Mum2one2019 · 29/02/2020 19:49

Hi, so I looked through my partners Instagram private messages because I suspected something. He sells cars, last march 2019 he sold a car to a 21 year old lady which ended up having some problems with so he had to keep in touch to resolve the issues with the car.
He then messaged her on Instagram to say sorry about the problems would you like to come out for a drive to make up for it.
She politely declined but said maybe next time. He then messaged her again saying him and all his mates were going out one evening and would she like to come. Again she declined.
He has since messaged her this January saying did you get my WhatsApp message.
I have checked his WhatsApp and can't find a message on there. I guess he has deleted it.
He then messaged saying are you know designing trainers with heart emojis. She hasn't replied.
She obviously isn't interested but he seems to keep messaging her.
What should I think? What would you do in this situation?
I mean, imagine if she was interested, does that mean he would he cheat?
I want to confront him, but don't want the usual why are you looking through my phone speech, plus I want to keep it open incase I find any evidence of him actually cheating.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 29/02/2020 20:51

That's so creepy. Do you want to come out for a drive? What a sleazebag!
The poor girl is probably very creeped out if he knows her address too.
You don't need to text her to ask what he sent on whatsapp because you already know what his intentions were!

Branleuse · 29/02/2020 20:53

Why on earth did u try and add her too?
Shes not interested in being in the middle of a middle aged couples marital problems. Your husband is a creep. Please dont you stalk her too.

Wearywithteens · 29/02/2020 20:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 29/02/2020 20:57

Maybe you're right, she's not interested so texting her may not come to anything.
I am so furious because he says he needs me and is committed to me blah blah.
Last time I broke up with him he felt so guilty because we have a 3 year old. And feel I should hold it together for him.
My partner is always moaning because I'm not affectionate enough with him, but he makes it so hard because he always moans and doesn't do anything to help out with our son.
I don't know what other evidence I'm waiting for really.
It's funny really, he said to me he's parents were always breaking up and he didn't want that for his son. His dad had a mistress for a number of years! No wonder his mum was always trying to break up with his dad.
I'm rambling now, and so upset

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 29/02/2020 21:00

I tried to add her on Instagram to see if he had commented on any of her photos.
Yes you're right, if it was my 21 year old I wouldn't want some creepy couple trying to get her involved with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 29/02/2020 21:03

And he's constantly saying he is working hard for our future so we can have enough time for our son. And I don't appreciate anything he does. He's always trying to guilt me and make me feel sorry for him.

OP posts:
Nitpickpicnic · 29/02/2020 21:05

I’d probably confront him, saying that this young woman had contacted me to keep my pervy old husband on a tighter leash, threatening police.

Sounds like you’ve got enough details about her to make it plausible, and avoid having to say you went through his phone.

Make take his ego down a peg or two into the future, too.

Grembolina · 29/02/2020 21:11

Your husband is disgusting. I am often subject to unwanted attention from married men and it's awful.

Don't you start harassing her too. She probably wishes she never laid eyes on him or the car already.

mamato3lads · 29/02/2020 21:25

I wouldn't waste my bloody time messaging some poor girl who's already been stalked by your husband. I'd leave her alone, it doesnt matter what he sent on WhatsApp for fucks sake! You've SEEN him chasing her on Instagram....is that not enough? Jesus christ , if this was me, my husband would be out on his arse. Really creepy weird behaviour and I'd bet my life she isn't the only young girl hes harassed.

Awful situation OP, confront the fucker and kick him out. X

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 29/02/2020 21:26

Hmm interesting saying that she confronted me. Maybe worth a go, however I'm beyond caring to care that I went through his phone. He shouldn't be messaging other women anyway.
The way I look at it, if I was messaging another guy asking him to come out, my only intention and his would be to hook up. Why else would you message someone like that?!

OP posts:
CircleofWillis · 01/03/2020 02:04

Do not say she contacted you. What if he turns in her in order to blame her for ruining his relationship. Take ownership of what you have discovered and how. As a PP said get photos in case he denies and deletes. Going through someone else's phone is never good but in this case it is your only proof that he is trying to cheat.

MsDogLady · 01/03/2020 02:28

Fidelity to you and parenting his child are not his priorities.

He is not “committed“ to you. If he were, he would not be chasing this young woman and trying to cheat.

He will not parent his son. He stomps on your boundaries (and this woman’s) and then manipulates you to feel guilty. Stop allowing his emotional abuse and show him the door.

Is this the relationship model that you want your son to learn from?

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2020 08:30

My partner is always moaning because I'm not affectionate enough with him, but he makes it so hard because he always moans and doesn't do anything to help out with our son

Does affection mean sex? Does he have nothing to do with your son? Tbh if he treats you like a household appliance with a vagina attachment I'm not surprised you dont feel like opening your legs for him. Your relationship sounds like it's over.

kevintheorangecarrot · 01/03/2020 08:36

He's bloody stalking / harassing her! Absolutely inappropriate.

BaolFan · 01/03/2020 08:49

You don't show him enough affection.

  • It's very difficult to be sexually attracted to someone when you feel like their mother.

He's working hard so that you can all spend time with your son.

  • That's what parents do. What does he want - a medal?

He doesn't want his son to see a cycle of you constantly splitting and getting back together.

  • Your son won't, because you'll split up and that will be the end of things.

He's committed to you and needs you.

  • Clearly not enough to respect you, because if he did he'd be doing his fair share in the house and not creeping over women half his age.
SudokuQueen · 01/03/2020 08:52

I would laugh at him. Point out to him that her abd her friends are no doubt doing the same thing. Laughing about what a sad man he is, not getting the hint that she isn't interested and he is just looking creepier by the day. Bet he 'hearts' all of her pictures too.

Laugh at him then kick him out. He's a sad tosser who would cheat the second he could.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 01/03/2020 09:12

@pinkyredrose @baolfan yes you're right it's hard to be affectionate with someone when they don't do their fair share. I'm always asking him to help with the cooking and childcare, but he refuses to help with the cooking and or washing up. He says he's tired. Tough shit mate, I've been tired for the last 3 years!
We work together, so it would be slightly different if I was a sahm, I wouldn't mind doing all the cleaning etc but I work just as hard and look after our son at the weekends, I literally don't get any time to myself. He has since let me have one day a week off but he still isn't overly proactive at offering to help with our son.
I've even said it's hard to be affectionate when I've got to do everything, he said he shouldn't have to clean in exchange for sex. It shouldn't be used as a reward like that.
He doesn't get that if I'm happy and feel that he is contributing to household stuff I will feel like being more affectionate.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 01/03/2020 09:13

OP, neither you or anybody else, needs to get “proof” or a confession to end a relationship. If you decide you want to end it, it’s enough. There isn’t a court of public opinion (or one worth thinking about) and you don’t need to pander to gossips and ghouls with a reason. Any sensible person knows ltr aren’t ended on whims.

The only person who needs convincing is you. And you know that. Work on yourself not him.
Why isn’t what you have seen enough for you? If it is, end it.

Any confrontation is going to be painful. He will lie and accuse and then insult. Why waste your emotional health on it.

In reality the main issue you have here is that he has demonstrated he is not a safe man to be around or to reject. You are going to have to go grey rock completely because he will persist.

anotherdisaster · 01/03/2020 09:15

All I would say to him is "I saw the creepy messages you sent to that 21yo who was clearly not interested in you, go pack your bags". And that is all you have to say. I wouldn't even engage in any sort of conversation about it. Stand firm.

LemonTT · 01/03/2020 09:21

I see you have children

In which case you need to think about what would happen if this girl (or the next, or even the previous ones), reported him for harassment. Or worse. That’s the knock on your door from the police for starters and then the rest. What happens when he turns his attentions to their friends when older?

Princessfaffalot · 01/03/2020 09:31

He’s a disgusting creep! It doesn’t matter what he said on WhatsApp, he’d cheat on you if she was up for it and will probably try elsewhere!

onlinelinda · 01/03/2020 09:34

From your own perspective, you now know that you can expect more of that with different women, should you remain with him.

CouscousEvaporator · 01/03/2020 09:37

Don’t add her on Instagram, poor girl only wanted a car, not a shit load of drama.

Leave her out of it, she’s been more than clear.

He sounds gross. I couldn’t get past this.

dottiedodah · 01/03/2020 09:37

I think he certainly is interested in her, and seems to be pursuing her doggedly ! She has made it crystal clear shes not interested though! I would speak to him about it as well and see what he says .TBH she may well go to the police if he doesnt stop it !

Monty27 · 01/03/2020 09:41

He's a wank sock. Dump him