Need advice - DM is in abusive relationship and we're scared

[Sheepareawesome]

DM has been married to a man for just over 10 years. Us kids (4 of us, 2 local inc me) never really took to him but we were all polite enough, thinking she loves him so we made the effort.

Then last year things started to be wrong. They were planning a holiday and they fell out and he was saying she couldn't go. She was really angry and my DBro managed to have a private word with her. It came out that she had put his name on half the house (he only put a small amount towards it), she bought a car and put it in his name only, and she wasn't allowed to go to see us without him, and he listened to all her phone calls etc. All sorts of coercive control shit came out of the woodwork.

She was angry at that point, so DBro got her a solicitors appointment to look into her position as she didn't want to lose the house etc. Then he apparently calmed down, she decided he had just been depressed and everything was rosy so she cancelled the appointment and had the holiday.

We kept in touch with her, continued to tolerate him as we don't want to cut her off from us and we don't think he knew she had told us.

Then yesterday he was chatting with my DBro who was there, he had a huge rage on out of nowhere and it got physical. He grabbed DBro clothes (ripped) and was pushing him. DM was trying to get in between then and crying at him to stop. He eventually went to another room, calmed down and then came back and sat silently in the room with DM and DBro. Apparently Dm was already trying to make excuses so clearly she isn't ready to leave.

So he now knows we are aware of what he is really like whereas before we pretended not to know to keep her safe. Now he knows are all scared for her but DBro said she was making excuses so likely isn't ready to move on yet. He isn't sure about reporting the assault to the police as, if she stays, it would likely increase the risk to her.

What can we do? We just want her to be safe. He owns half the house now so she can't just change the locks, even if she did want to. We are looking into some type of small alarm for her but in the meantime what can we do? Especially since she doesn't seem ready to press charges etc. He was apparently telling her yesterday that she can't see any of us anymore. We would be prepared to go round and take her away to safety but she wouldn't go and it's her house.

Can we talk to police without giving details? Would they contact her/him anyway? We don't want to make it more dangerous for her. This was the first time he was physical (with us, not sure about her) so a significant behaviour has changed now so we don't know how unpredictable he will be now. DBro is going to take photos of the damage to his top and write an account of what happened but that won't be enough to do anything as he thankfully isn't hurt.

Anyone?

Your brother should contact the police here and seek their advices as to how to proceed; he was assaulted and if this had happened to him in the street he would have reported this to them. It happening behind closed doors makes no difference here.

You can only keep your own selves safe and your mother may well continue to put her abuser front and centre here and above all others as she has really done for the last decade. I would not bother getting her an alarm here and apart from anything else she continues to make excuses for him.

I would keep your own selves well away from both your mother and her abusive husband. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped; your brother has stated she is making excuses for her husband. She has and continues to put this man first for her own reasons and their relationship is sadly a toxic codependent mess.

DB needs to report it to the police in just the same way as he would report an assault by a non family member. Otherwise the step father is going to think that he has a free pass to treat anyone like this.

Report the incident to the police

I’m not law savvy but is there anyway the name on the house can be reversed if he has forced her into doing it?

I think your brother needs to report to the police and tell them everything. You could call Woman’s Aid and ask for advice - it’s important I think that you don’t alienate your DM further. I’m so sorry she’s in this position. He sounds very scary. I’m sure there are legal options open to her later but for now I’d say to watch that you don’t let his financial hold on her prevent her (or you from helping her) making a break. You could help her to see that It’s only money and her physical safety is more important at this stage.

Regarding the house, as they are married and for a reasonable period of time it is likely that it would be considered a joint asset so unlikely for her to get her house completely back.

Does your mum have any other relatives? Such as siblings who might be able to intervene. It is extremely difficult for you to try to protect her but she may listen to others.

I would avoid going to the house but keep contact with your mum through messages.
Does she work?

Both retired, and he checks her phone. We can't get to her even to talk without him - it was hard enough before and I think would be impossible now.

We are not going to cut her off - we are her support network and will not abandon her. She did tell one of her friends I think last year when it went wrong and she was angry. It is not her fault she is thinking like this - she would have learnt that if she does what he says then it will be fine, and given he is twice her size she will be doing whatever she can to keep safe.

She has safe places to go as we can all take her in for a bit if needed and she knows this.

I think we will try and get hold of womens aid. I want him to be held accountable for the assault on Dbro but not at the expense of her safety. Dbro is big and strong and walked away after being assaulted by a man of similar size to him who is nearly 40 years older than him. DM is tiny - she may not get the chance to walk away if it happened to her.

The only thing you can do is let her know that you are there for her and to keep the channels of communication open. It has to come from her to leave. It's all well and good making appointments and doing things for her but she can quite easily go back to him. Therefore, the decision has to be hers.

You might find this helpful.

You could find out where she stands regarding the house yourself if she needs that reassurance. You could also put the National Domestic Abuse Helpline number 0808 2000 247 onto her phone under a different name in case she wants to get advice. Advise her to call 999 if he becomes violent and that he may be bugging her phone and computer so to be careful what she looks up.

If he attacks her you may be able to get an Occupation Order and Non molestation Order to get him away from her. But, women often go back so be prepared for that. You can also contact the police and give them her number, letting them know the situation.

Do contact Womens Aid; they should be able to provide you with further support. You can support your mother but ultimately she will have to be the one to break free of her abuser.

He does not have to use fists in order to further control your mother (yet). Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and often creeps up on people unawares. Your mother already lives in fear of him and that amongst many other reasons (and she perhaps still loves him) is why she has stayed and may well continue to do so. Her own recovery from his abuses of her though will only properly start when she is rid of him.

I’m a lawyer but it’s not my area of law - however, I think it may be possible to reverse the transfer to the husband on the basis that your M transferred the house under duress or undue influence but it’s a difficult thing to prove.

@Sheepareawesome - that’s a horrible situation to be in. At least you are aware of it. Unfortunately, you can’t force your mum to leave but you can keep the lines of communication open (which is better for your DM).

The bottom line is that your DM is in danger and her P’s violence may be exacerbated if your brother reports him to the police. On the other hand, the author of Why Does He Do That does suggest that experiencing proper consequences for the violence, such as criminal charges, makes it harder for the abuser to continue to minimise the violence or kid himself that it’s acceptable. I would be inclined to speak to the police. This might be the catalyst for your DM to get away, though of course it may not work out that way.

If your DM felt ready to do so, she could apply for a non-molestation order based on domestic abuse of her (it doesn’t need to physical, it can be coercive control etc). If granted, this would mean her H would have to leave the house for the period of the non-mol. In my experience, they are usually granted for 6 or 12 months. If you contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence, they can talk you through the process.

You might find it helpful to read ‘Helping Her Get Free’ which is about being an anchor for someone in a DV situation.

Thanks all. Does anyone know, is it possible to contact the police and they not do anything? DBro is worried if he contacts them, either about the assault or just about the abuse in general, they will take it further and that would be risky for her if she isn't ready to leave.

Can the police just log it and do nothing more or would they want to contact her etc? I can't see they would just do that but it would be great if they could.

The only way you are going to know is to contact the police and see what they say. I am certain they will want to keep your mother safe but this assault on your brother really does need to be reported and logged.

Police don't just 'log things', it will go to the CPS and they will decide whether to proceed with a prosecution.

As advised, it's up to her to decide to leave the relationship and you could be placing her in further danger if she decides to stay.

You can log her number with the police and they will know it's a domestic if she calls.

I suggest you put in an application under Claire’s Law. It is unlikely that this is the first time he has behaved in such a way so the police will check if he has a criminal record for DA. If so they will make a Disclosure to your DM. Of course she may still decide to stay but she will have facts .
My DD was in an abusive relationship ( coercive control , manipulation, isolating etc) and I found the police to be so helpful and supportive . WA were also brilliant .
I am glad you are not going to cut her off . Even though DD insisted I stay out of her life , I sent little texts etc to let her know I was there for her .
It was a complete nightmare but she eventually broke up with him.

Did brother sustain any injuries? If so could he go to a health care centre (gp or walk in clinic) to get the injuries documented and verified?

I don't want to unnecessarily scare you but I think that realistically now you are looking at how to get your mum out of there alive, not worrying about the house. If he's showed his violence to her family that is some especially nasty piece of work - I suspect he likely has already hurt her physically (and obviously has already mentally).

Be careful how you communicate/act around her husband otherwise he could talk your Mother into turning against you and your siblings, then you'll never see or hear from her.

You say they are both retired - how old is DM?

You could contact action on elder abuse www.elderabuse.org.uk/pages/category/what-is-it

Poor you. What a horrible situation.

You can make police enquiries without using names. Not only that but you can report the assault and then decide whether you want him arrested or to just log it and no further action.

It sounds promising that she's left before. Because of Stockholm syndrome she will be scared to leave, he will be her whole life and she won't feel like a complete person without him. But it sounds like deep down she knows it's wrong - especially seeing him attack her son.

Is it possible for you to talk with her alone? Can you think of an excuse to get her to meet you? She needs reassurance that she has the power to change things, she will be better off and she has you all to support her.

If you ever think he's been violent towards her, tell the police so they can go check. I do understand your reluctance to get police involved. Maybe ring women's aid for advice.

Yes oldbutstillgotit - use Claire's law to find out his history!! Especially if there's something that would help your mother leave him

I was about to suggest a Claire's Law application myself, but as regards seeing her without him, is there anyone else who can invite her out as a "cover" for yourselves, so he wouldn't know you'd actually be present?

I guess there's still a risk she'd blab out the truth, but what really matters for now is that she knows a safe space is available with you. After that, as long as she has capacity, I'm afraid the rest is up to her

Your brother needs to make a police report, needs to tell them what is going on and that you are scared for her safety. They can put a marker on the address/phone number in case she ever dials 999 I believe. Hopefully you can use Claire's Law.

Can you take her out for Mother's Day just you and her afternoon tea so you can speak to her alone?

Consider getting her new secret payg phone that you can use to contact her.

Do you know his history? Was he married before?