He didn't want me there - feeling shut out and hidden away

[elodielou]

Hi, long time lurker but I have just signed up to post this thread. I am ready to be told I am being unreasonable, I can't see straight right now.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. We met at work, at a big corporate with a very social culture (lots of happy hours, people making friends at work, dating colleagues was not uncommon, informal culture). Initially we decided to keep the relationship secret, because we were both worried it could impact negatively on us. Moreover, his ex wife also worked for the same company, so he was also concerned about her feelings. All ok, mutually agreed.

Fast forward to now, I have left the company during the summer and he is leaving now for a better job elsewhere. After I left the company we agreed that there was no reason to keep the relationship secret anymore, so we have both told a few colleagues and the gossip spread quickly. So now many people in that company know about us. Unclear whether ex wife has heard about it or not.

This week was his last week at the company, where he had stayed for many years. He had 3 different goodbye events, one was a dinner with his team, one was an "official leaving night out" with a group of 30 colleagues (until 4 am), and yesterday night he just went out again with more colleagues, but it wasn't an official thing (until 2am). I know non work-related friends of his joined later in the night both nights out.

Initially he said that he would have liked me to join on the unofficial night out, as I am friendly with all these colleagues, they are essentially mutual friends. He changed his mind last minute and hinted at me not joining any of the events because "it was work" and all these people knew ex wife and he didn't want to rub the relationship in their faces. So I ended up making my own alternative plans.

I now feel very hurt by this whole thing. I understand that the official team do was just for colleagues, but the other two events were clearly open to other friends of his and he just didn't want me around. I feel shut out and hidden away.

I am not sure if I am being unreasonable, if the company culture was strict and he didn't include anyone else from outside of work I would probably feel ok about it. However it was clearly not a strictly colleagues-only situation, and he actively chose to keep me away from it and not include me in such a big event of his life, which is weird especially as I know and am friendly with all the people involved.

Am I being needy and unreasonable? My emotions are all over the place right now.

I should add that I am normally not a needy person at all, have a great career, live alone, I have many friends and travel alone. I don't expect us to be glued at the hip, but this situation has hurt me quite a bit.

I don't know I would read too much into it. Not particularly common.for partners to go to leaving nights. Add in his ex wife probably best to have kept work and.personal separate.

You are both starting new jobs and new adventures so try to move on from this. I think work place relationships can sometimes be difficult or awkward for all involved. Although he is no longer with his ex wife he has tried to consider her feelings and that can only be a good thing. Start afresh from this point on. The past has gone and the future is there to be created. Don't let this minor upset spoil your relationship.

Thank you for your replies. I am not sure why I am so terribly hurt about it, but I am.

I haven't shared my feelings with him at all and I now wonder if I should let him know I feel this way or if I should just pretend I am fine.

OP, how are you treated normally by him?

I can relate. I dated a musician and he had an ex who left him, played same instrument. He had a big deal gig, said would I come, which night, I chose Thurs, he said no cos she's coming that night. You're not over reacting. I'd keep an eye on it now.

It is unusual for partners to come to leaving drinks.

As other non-work colleagues went along, I do think it’s weird to not invite you, especially in view of everyone knowi you’re together.

I don’t think you shouldn’t mention it’s affected you as that’s a slippery slope of bottling your feelings and not healthy. But consider that he may not have done it in malice.

All that said, I wonder why he is so very concerned with saving his ex’s feelings, do they have kids or some other financial connection that could be affected if he rocks the boat with her?

I disagree with previous posters - if other friends came to the informal do I can't see any reason why you shouldn't have been invited. In fact, I think it would be perfectly normal and expected, especially as you knew many of the people going.

Have you spoken to him about how you felt?

I agree with Babooshka about not bottling this up - no reason why you shouldn't have a calm chat about how you felt. Also think the ex-wife thing is a bit odd after this amount of time.

I always think it's good to judge a person by how they treat their ex. This shows he is extremely sensitive and empathetic and you are not a secret, you are his future and he didn't feel it right to have you there saying goodbye to the past.

Move on and enjoy this new chapter together.

It depends whether others were bringing partners to the informal night out. It really changes the dynamic if partners turn up and it can be a bit annoying for those without partners.

A work colleague did exactly this but had a baby to the new girl friend. Every one knew his ex and tbh he lost a lot of friends over it.

I can understand his point of view. He would be accused of always seeing you even behind her back

I think you're reading too much into it really.

Because it wasn't a couples outing as such?

It might have been different if the friends' partners had also joined in.
You don't have to go to everything he goes to.

If there had never been any plan for you to attend, I'd have thought nothing of it. But he asked you to go, and then back-tracked.

I'd be pissed off - but I'd have told him as soon as he backtracked, and I'd have wanted to know why - especially as these are all people you know, and if you hadn't been his partner, it sounds very likely you might have gone anyway!

Were you the OW?