Do I leave and if so how? Please help me acknowledge emotional abuse and move on.

[Livingwiththis]

Hi, I have NC'd for this and this may be really long and I am sorry for that in advance!

I have been with DP for 10 years, he moved in with me and my 3 DC 7 years ago. At first it seemed ok and after leaving a relationship with the DC's father due to DV 15 years ago I was just so pathetically grateful for someone who seemed to love me for me that I suppose I ignored warning signs, though it has got worse. We do not have DC together.

I have been struggling with DS2 (15) and a recent ASD diagnosis. DS is struggling really badly with his mental health involving self harm and school refusal. I have no support in this. In fact the other night DS told me that he avoids DP as DP doesnt understand or care. I was a bit blindsided by this as I have been so wrapped up in trying to keep DS ok that I had just presumed DS was isolating himself due to social anxiety and I have been working hard with him for this.

DP readily admits that he doesn't understand MH issues almost implying that people who have them are "weak" . He accepts the ASD diagnosis (isn't that good of him!) as real but cant see that the MH is linked.

This leads to the fact that I have been struggling massively the last two years, from when DS started having real issues at school (shortly after moving to secondary) through the wait for diagnosis and then the actual diagnosis. DD was struggling with anxiety at college doing A levels and getting ready for Uni so I was supporting her (alone) DS1 was hitting puberty big time and I was supporting him while he also had his DBro to be with, they share a room and DS2 depends heavily on DS1 though I try and minimise this I can't be with them 24/7. DS1 now has young carers support at school which has been great and has come through puberty. DD is now at Uni and doing really well but still needs mum! I deal with all 3 of mine on my own. DP barely speaks to them.

He works hard, I will give him that, but when he comes in he expects my undivided attention. He sulks if he doesn't get it. Most of his money goes to his exw and at first I didn't mind this but I am sick of struggling financially. I manage the finances but have nothing left for me or my children. While his exw is away again this weekend. I do not mind what she does but I do mind that I am wondering if I can afford two new school jumpers this weekend.

I left work last summer to follow a Uni course so that I could spend more time with DS2 and various appointments. However I have been unable to do very much uni work as I have had no support at home. DP does no housework and I was working part time in a local cafe to get some money in. I had worked out that the student loan would cover course fees and my bills with the extra tax credits but tax credits decided I owed them for last year when they re-calculated so all my student money went on his bills as they are "more important" and I am now behind on the rent for a second month. I have just started a new full time job because of this so this will sort itself out next month but the worry is awful. I am going to have to leave my course and that really upsets me, helping his exw is always more important to him and he doesn't seem to care about me or my kids as long as his tea gets done. He games all evening and moans if the house is a mess. It is never bad just not done iyswim. He does not see that my course should have been seen as a full time job, and passing would have meant a better wage for me. As far as he is concerned I am just skiving.

Just so you know I have worked full time throughout our relationship until then.

Watching tv I dread it if anyone is shown as LGBTQ or a POC as there will be grunts and moans about how they are being "over-represented " now to keep the "PC brigade" happy. He moans about Greta, bet he wouldn't if she was male.

I have put on 5 stone over the last couple of years as I have been too stressed to care about me. I don't have any time for me at all and if i do i just fall asleep on the sofa as i am so tired. I get up an hour earlier than everyone just to get some bits done. He is not happy about my weight gain and makes it clear he isn't. He won't take me out and insists on needing to watch porn when we have sex and in an argument at Christmas he told me this was because I had put on weight and so he needs it. So basically he is ashamed of me.

He belittles me at every opportunity is not interested in my conversation, taking the piss as what I am saying is "boring".

I believe he loves me but wants me to be a certain way and I can't be that person all the time. I have supported him through so much shit with his exw and kids and did it happily and willingly and am so hurt that he won't show me the same now I need it.

I read the freedom programme last week. This is what has opened my eyes. It isn't physical abuse but the emotional abuse and how did I not see all of the above? And how do I get him to leave? He will be shocked and hurt and I have been a sad little admirer for so long I don't know how I can hurt him when he has done so much to hurt me, and in hindsight my DC through me. He is so arrogant he believes I will never leave and that I should be so grateful that he has brought so much into my life. There are many things I may not have done without him and the first few years were mostly good. It's just the last two years things have got like this. I am worn out and mentally drained (gp has prescribed anti depressants but I haven't told him) and can't see anymore if it is worth working on to get back what we had.

Please help me see what to do and how to do it.

Tell him you're done with his shit and start valuing yourself, you deserve so much better. Would you be ok financially without him for a while? Can you contact women's aid or citizens advice without him knowing for practical advice?

You deserve better than this. Tell him to go. Do you have friends, family who can support you?

I'm just going to say he is allowed to not love your children. They're not his to love and care about. He's not obligated to pay for them either, that's their own father's job (and yours).

However all the other things you describe are really bad and good enough reason to leave, you don't need that in your life!

Tell him you've not been happy for a while and have made up your mind about splitting up. Tell him he has X amount of time to find a new place to live and it's non negotiable. I wouldn't worry about hurting him, he clearly doesn't care about your feelings.

Good luck xx

Yes, leave, he's abusive and unsupportive. xxxxx

Hi thank you all so much for your replies.

I don't have any friends (it got so difficult to keep friendships up as he would constantly text to see where I was and ask for photo proof that I slowly lost contact) and family isn't close by. Though I am close with them. I think my lovely dad would help financially in the first instance, I would have to switch to UC if he left. I can contact citizens advice.
Bookworm83 I know he doesnt have to care for them but he doesnt even speak to them unless it's to criticise or tell them off. And I know he doesnt have to pay for them my issue is so much of his money goes to his exw (far more then CSA would suggest, hundreds a month more) that I pay all the bills for where we live and I am not entitled to any help as his wages take us over the limit apart from some tax credits. So because he isn't paying his way here I have no money spare for things like school jumpers.
But yeah he doesnt care. All he will worry about is how can I hurt him like this. I can see it now.

You pay all the bills? So he lives rent and bill free? That's disgusting. My eye his money goes to his ex. That will be a lie. He is stealing from your children as you are paying to have him in your house and also losing out on council tax discount etc. Just tell him he needs to leave as the relationship isn't working for you anymore. He is absolutely taking the piss and needs to be stopped

That man doesn’t love you OP.

Comtesse he really doesn't does he?

His priority is still his exw. I wouldn't mind if it was just for his DC (who are great btw and I have a good relationship with them) but I have a suspicion by the way he acts and talks that he respects her more than me.

Yep, he clearly has no respect or love for you. He’s a major cocklodger who is stealing energy and money from you and your kids.

I would speak to your father / family and see if they can support you For an interim period whilst you claim UC and pack his stuff whilst he’s at work, change the locks and get rid of him ASAP.

Good luck.

OP I’m so sorry to hear this. You need to speak to an organisation that supports women in such situations eg Women’s Aid
tel: 0808 2000 247 or see here
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
or a local branch/ another DV organisation. They will help you sort your head out and come up with a safe exit plan.

Also, best not to confront him and/or tell him to leave, things could get nasty. Wait until you’ve had advice and professional support.

Also reach out to your old friends. They will almost certainly be really pleased to hear from you. Get as much RL support as you can. This man doesn’t love you and you need him out of your life.

OP what he's doing is illegal and as you rightly said, it's emotional abuse.

The way he is treating you is absolutely outrageous. Having to watch porn when you're having sex is horrible behaviour and I'm so sorry you are dealing with that.

It seems as though you're not married and he moved in with you. I don't know if you own the house but it is a simple enough matter of asking him to move out and changing the locks (If you're renting then check the contract for what it says regarding changing the locks).

His behaviour and the toxic environment at home may be contributing towards your children's anxiety, you may find they improve once he moves out.

If he threatens you or refuses to move, then contact the police and explain what is going on. For other support contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 or your local DV organisation which you can find here.

You may also benefit from counselling OP as you're now on your second abusive relationship. You sound as though you are suffering from low self esteem and depression. The weight will probably start to come off once you're out of this relationship.

Please do the Freedom Programme or any therapy organised by your local DV organisation. It's very validating to be amongst other survivors. You'll learn about red flags and how to spot unhealthy relationship patterns and most importantly, what a healthy relationship should be.

Don't bring any more men into your children's lives without having done substantial work on yourself OP.

He sounds awful. Have you read back over what you’ve written? What would you think if someone else had written this about their partner? Of course he’s going to upset but that’s not your responsibility. If he hadn’t have acted so terribly then you wouldn’t be considering leaving. So it’s his fault, not yours. Definitely phone a dv organisation if you can. In private. And get in touch with old friends or your family. You’ll need real life support for this.