Am I expecting too much from DH?

[JamieFrasersSassenach]

This is going to be long - please bear with me.
I am really unsure as to whether I am wanting more than is reasonable from DH or not.
We have been together for 15 years, married for 9 of those. One DS age 13.

Like a lot of couples we have had our fair share of ups and downs.

But, I am a reasonably social person - I like mixing with others and have a nice small circle of friends, plus many acquaintances. DH is not so social and whilst not always keen on spending time with people he doesn't know, he had a few good friends when we met and a history of socialising (so hadn't shied away from social things).

Fast forward to now and he just never wants to go anywhere as a couple. If some of our joint friends (other couples who we both are friends with) invite us anywhere he is happy to go. But that is it. Added to that our sex life is pretty non existent. After the first year or two and especially after we had DS he hardly ever expresses an interest. It's always me making the first move - he's usually happy enough to oblige, but despite me, over the years, asking and pleading with him to be a bit more pro-active himself in that department it just doesn't happen.

He does suffer with depression, but has never taken any counselling offered to him, although he does take anti depressants (as do I - I have a long history of anxiety and depression - virtually all of my adult life). He spends the evenings watching TV or listening to music and goes to bed by 9/9.30.

He recently got promoted at work - very long deserved in my and all of his colleagues opinions, he is now saying he isn't enjoying his new role, but doesn't seem prepared or willing to do anything about it. If he decides to leave his position it will mean we have to move house, so I get that it's tough for him.

We live rurally and are very isolated in that respect so I can't just walk down the road to see a friend - it does mean a car journey. And it also means that since we moved here 13 years ago I have been quite isolated - particularly when DS was a baby - the friends I made at that time are so important to me as they really got me through the very hard times I had then.

I really do love DH, but I'm beginning to feel as though the only social life I have is when I go out with friends on my own.

This isn't the life I had hoped to be living. I spend most evenings ferrying DS around to various clubs - because of where we live I don't want him to feel isolated (no neighbours, no footpaths, 4 miles to nearest village). The rest is spent on Mumsnet/my phone. A recent example of how things are is that we were invited as a couple to a friend/ex colleague of mine and her fiancé's joint hen/stag do (2nd marriage). I only knew one other person going, but as we were invited to the wedding it seemed a great idea to meet some other guests in advance. It was a whole afternoon and evening made up of several different activities. And it was in a city a good hour away by train from where we live. DH agreed to come when we were invited - so we chose our meals and paid deposits etc. The week leading up to it DH said he didn't want to go because he wouldn't know anyone but would go because he didn't want to let me down. By the day before the event he was too unwell to get out of bed (I believe anxiety based around the event). In the end on the morning of it, I said don't worry I will go on my own. Which I did and had a fabulous time - he took me to the station and picked me up again at midnight. Then at the wedding he knew no one and didn't really speak to anyone all afternoon/evening.

When we do go out he makes no effort with his appearance at all, I find that a bit insulting to be honest- I always make an effort if I'm going out with him - for him. So it just feels like he doesn't care about me - I have told him this but it makes no difference.

I'm bored of being bored - and I think if I want to stay in this marriage then I have to just create my own social life and leave him here to get on with it. And I don't want DS to think this is what marriage is - it's awful role modelling for him.

So, I'm interested to know what others think about my situation - am I expecting too much of DH? Should I give him an ultimatum of some kind or should I just create my own life where I can whilst being married to him?

To be clear I am not wanting to separate - we don't argue very often, we do get on and he doesn't mind me going out, he just doesn't want to come with me.

Thank you and well done for reading this far!!

It really wouldn't suit me either to be married to someone who didn't want to socialise with me. Are you getting anything out of this relationship? He doesn't seem to want sex or to go out anywhere.

Perhaps rural living isn't for you, and moving house would be a good thing?

He doesn't sound well, depression? If he's not in a good place mentally he's unlikely to get better unless he wants to.

This is really familiar and I really sympathise. Not identical specifics, but the general pattern of a very passive DH who I don't actually want to leave but whose approach to life makes me think I need to independently identify and then achieve any goals I might have. We don't have a shared approach because of two things: he won't engage with me to work out shared priorities, hopes and plans, and he won't allow himself any of his own. I'm pretty sure he's depressed but of course hasn't been near a GP since that's been raised as a possibility. When we met he had hobbies and a small circle of friends, which have largely gone. I suspect some of this comes from his parents: v passive FIL and very dominant MIL so that's his model.

But, it's nearly finished us. I'm so lonely in the marriage - every goal is my goal, every plan is my plan, whether it's trying to work towards savings, start or stop IVF, or even which clubs the kids should do ir if we should go for a walk on a Saturday- he has no opinion and no desire to talk about it. His passiveness has wrecked his career, I'm the breadwinner and he does a hobbyjob and I socialise alone.

I'm sure there are big mental health and social conditioning elements to this. But I cant address them for him and he has no inclination to. The upshot is that we're friendly companions but every life goal I have is mine alone. We don't have a shared journey.

Dont know what to do other than accept or leave but you have my sympathy OP!

@OneMoreForExtra so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation to me. I can really identify with what you say about having your own goals.

He is depressed I think, and unhappy, I don't know what I can do to help him though, and I fear that I could inadvertently be enabling his behaviour.

When I really think about it, I don't think he has been happy for years now, but I don't think I truly understand why. I think I have been hanging on for things to change and get better and I'm now beginning to realise maybe they never will.

I want to be in a happy relationship where every day has some optimism to it. Every day I ask him how his day has been, how he is feeling and it's always a bit doom and gloom. I don't think he asks me how I am very often at all.

Just writing this all down is making me realise how sad my life has become.

So I'm thinking maybe I need to set myself some goals and plans of my own, and accept that he won't miraculously change.

Thank you - this is very cathartic for me and I have a lot to think about,

Any other views or opinions gladly accepted.

I think you're right about enabling. When does a good fit of complementary attributes turn into enabling dysfunction? I dont know but I think we crossed the line somewhere.

Maybe just tell him that the overall level of unhappiness is affecting you and you'd like to work with him towards change? The place you're living in sounds like you're too isolated, and if its tied to a job he's not enjoying, maybe just knowing change was acceptable to you might encourage him a bit? I really hope you find a way to open up the channels.

@OneMoreForExtra thank you - yes I think it is a fine line. We actually went out last night - as a family to a fundraising event for one of Ds's clubs - it was a quiz so very low key. It was so obvious to me that DH didn't want to be there. He was very tetchy before we went, to the point that I asked if he was grumpy because he didn't want to go - to which he said no he was feeling depressed. We went and made up a team with another family - he barely said 2 words all evening and spent some of it on his phone. It was painful for me, but just left me thinking that at least for the short term I need to just accept social invitations on my own.

I think we are just very different people now, and although I love him and enjoy being with him, I need to socialise - I enjoyed last night so much - despite his silence.

I'm happy living here, but it is possibly a reason why I feel the need to socialise.

You are right and I do need to have a chat with him about what he would like to do - I have always been open to him changing jobs if he wanted to and he knows that. I think it is his mental health that keeps him 'stuck' but I cannot fix that for him, and I don't want to put extra pressure on him. It's a hard place to be. Thank you for listening