Friendship after motherhood

[Claire926]

Since my friend became a mother she is not really interested in our friendship group. She has been invited out for early evening meals for birthdays so it is not like we are going out late to nightclubs. She has outright told us twice now she refuses to come out as she has a child. It's not like we are asking her out every week, it is not that often. I don't see how having a child means you just cut everyone off. She has a husband and grandparents who can help with childcare which the grandparents do help. I just feel as though her child is here no-one is good enough to know anymore. I have other friends who have children and they still make the effort to come out and share what is going on in each others lives. The only time we hear off her now is when she sends us photos or news of her child. I am not jealous and am happy if she has found happiness having a family. I don't like being discarded now she feels she has found better. Is it best to move on?

I’d be patient. She may be struggling being a part from her baby. Do you see her with her baby?

She's in full babymoon mode or she may be anxious about leaving her baby. What about going to see her in the day or having dinner at yours and she can bring her baby? I didn't leave my kids when they were babies because they were exclusively breastfeeding. So my socialising involved my kids. Things are very different now!

I'm assuming you don't have children? Have you offered to go round to hers with supper/wine and see whether she is happier with that? I didn't enjoy leaving my DS when he was very small - he was a difficult baby and when I went out I just felt anxious about him not settling for DH as he was BF.

@Mondayblues33 Do you see her with her baby?

I did see her with her baby in the day when she was on maternity leave. I quite enjoyed it meeting in the day. Now she is back at work full time none of us have seen her. It is understandable as she is back at work now. I honestly can't see any of us seeing her anytime soon as she will want to see her baby and husband after work or on weekends.

I was very anxious about leaving my baby/doing anything when she was young and barely went out for four years. When my DC2 came along I was suddenly a lot more relaxed. In fact I even went on a girls' weekend with him (as he was EBF, at two months' old). Since then I have been quite sociable and turned up to lots of things. Be patient with her, it may seem rude but she might be struggling and her mum friendships may be a crutch.

I find that on the opportunities that I can get a babysitter, I would rather spend time alone with my DH than with friends.

Although I regularly see friends with my kids (even though they don't have kids) also I am on maternity leave so I have much more free time.

I couldn't imagine how she can possibly find time/ energy/money to work full time, keep a home, look after a young child and socialise with friends. I know a lot of people do this, but for me... I would struggle

So she's working full time, and has a young baby. I do the same. I go out maybe once per month and count the minutes til I can be back in my home with my family, it's all so new and she also will be doing baby night shifts. Can you imagine working 9-10 hours, coming home and then having 3-4 maybe hours of sleep per night? Every night, or every other night? She's probably tired. Lay off her or offer to help. YABU.

Sorry - no need for YABU but I stand by it!

I am just like your friend.
Working full time with a baby is bloody exhausting. In the evenings I just want to flop and at weekends I just want to see my babies. It's not that you're not important to her and believe me, she will think of you a lot and miss you- it's the pull of Motherhood due to the guilt you feel when you return to work.
She won't be coping. That I guarantee.
I used to stay at my friend's house regularly pre-kids for weekends and she became so insulted when it all stopped after my kids. After starting nursery, they were constantly ill and run down so I needed to be with them.
You friend has changed. We have to when we become mothers. It's up to you whether you want to meet half way and visit her at home for a while- things will change as the baby grows and she will go out more again, or you can just move on.
My friend never could quite understand, so she moved on. I think of her a lot and miss the times we had, but my life is different now and my babies need me.

In the nicest possible way, it's not about you. She's probably permanently knackered, mourning the end of her maternity leave and missing her friends more than you can imagine.
I really hope my friends without kids don't feel like I've just callously ditched them since I had my DC. So many times I have desperately wanted to pop round for dinner. Enough to make me cry. But it's just impossible to do that any more.

Agree with those upthread- am trying to say this gently, but it's not about you. She is likely tired and overwhelmed.

If you want to see her, you need to make it really easy for her. Ask whether you can go round to hers for an early evening, and do everything for her: bring over her favourite food, all ready cooked (or a takeaway), bring her favourite wine (or whatever alternative) and make it clear in advance that you'll be all the cleaning up afterwards (and then do it, and leave her kitchen spotless even if it wasn't before).

It isn't you. She will have less in common with you now, and her life will be a lot busier. She is working and has a young child to look after.
Keep in touch with her and accept that she now has far less time for socialising.

You will find it happens quite a lot, so make sure you have a good network of friends.

Apart from the one abusive poster thank you to all for your input. I am bothered about her as I wouldn't be posting on here. It is difficult to imagine how she would feel unless you have been in that position. I will take all the suggestions on board and ask to meet her at her home. I will also maintain my other friendships and make new friends as I know times have changed now.