What do you wish you'd known before separating

[GettingDucksOrganised]

Married 14 years, two children.

We've always been very up and down, but I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I fundamentally feel like he doesn't like me anymore.

So I'm thinking about what I need to organise in the event of a separation. He earns more than me, but will be a pain in the arse about money, of that I'm certain.

It’s helpful to know the full picture of your financials - assets, earnings. You can take that to a solicitor to see what is the likely outcome of the financial split, and what child maintenance you can expect.
Look up CMS - and if he makes less than their top range - you will only be entitled to a set amount. If he is above that - you may be able to argue for more.

Other than that - expect to fight and have a period of pain when/if you go that way. He will be difficult about money, he will also blame you for the breakdown of the family, And he’ll tell it to everybody who asks, etc.

Even if it’s the right thing to do for you - it is still a horrible thing to go through - so go there if you are really sure.

That, having been sooooo busy, in his ‘very important’ job, he’d suddenly find lots and lots of flexible working, so that he suddenly took a massive ‘interest’ in the children and wants them on all sorts of nights (thereby saving himself lots of csm). The fact that he can’t parent for toffee because he doesn’t care or want to is irrelevant. I didn’t know that would happen as he has been so utterly unavailable for all the years of their existence until now. It’s hard to see my children suffer and know I can do absolutely nothing about it.

I wish I hadn't had a declutter and got rid of lots of old paperwork.

Turns out (in france) if you can prove what assets you had pre marriage, even small amounts of cash in a personal bank account, you can claim it back from the final global assets.

Of course obsessive compulsive exh has everything dating back 20 years.

I don't. That grates, even if it's not very much in the overall financial picture.

And definitely see a solicitor beforehand to get your head straight, this was such an advantage for me as I knew more than exh which was helpful.

However I focused on custody and not the ins and outs of finances which I wish I had done.

Make sure you have friends and family who will back you legally over your care of the children and will vouch for you.

Be braced for the fact that this will hurt everyone, especially children and you all need a Support network. Friends will choose you or him, be ready for that.

Be strong, be certain that it’s right and that counselling isn’t worth it.

If you ARE sure, then be strong and talk to your children A LOT. Make sure they know that it’s not their fault. Believe that life will get better... after some tough months life will get better. Build a future, don’t rush into any new relationship. Often second marriages are the best because we all live and learn!

That he would immediately get together with someone else. Months before he moved out. That hurt a lot. Don’t think he is with this person now and in any case I no longer care, but then it hurt like bejeezus.