Processing the end of my abusive relationship

[GlassOfProsecco]

I'm going through a separation just now, and through the wise words on MN, am coming to terms with the fact that he has been abusive & controlling.

Not physically violent, or really obvious, but I believe he saw my vulnerability (I was newly divorced) & set about wearing down my boundaries right from the go.

Looking back, he was super-keen to start with (a bit of love-bombing) & very attentive.

There were red flags I missed or did not recognise at the time (him pushing a sexual relationship early on, always being late, telling me he was "just a nice guy".

After 18 months, he asked me to move in with him (in a different town) & I agreed. Of course he was on his best behaviour at this point. And when I moved in, away from family & friends, the shiftiness began.

It started with "little" things - that actually were quite big things - like not doing his turn with the dishes etc & letting them pile up for a week. He just wouldn't take his turn.

Then he seemed more interested in his friends, and when we'd been together a few years (I was 35 by this point & had always made it clear I wanted children) - I felt he was stringing me along.

So I gave an ultimatum & we went on to have DC. What I hadn't realised was that he was having an affair & I think he did it to punish me.

We got on fine for the next few years, had another DC & bought a house.

Then it all started going wrong, he played little role in family life, worked long hours/away & left everything to me, who had no support & struggled to balance family life with work. And doing nothing round the house. Wanting to play golf at the weekend whilst not giving me a break.

And of course there are the mental health issues he failed to tell me about - he has recurrent depression, has lost multiple jobs & had long periods of time off sick. I have been left carrying the load of family life again. I would never have moved in with him if I'd known this.

And I cannot continue in a relationship where someone fails to consider my needs, doesn't support me, lies & cheats.

So here I am, 17 years on & the separation is awful, with him trying to bully me, lying, gaslighting & manipulating his way though the legal process.

If only I knew then what I know now. What a waste. I wish I had protected myself better & been able to see him for what he is.

We could all join you in the 'If Only' game, @GlassOfProsecco - because we're human too.

Try and focus on the present and future rather than the past; focus on the process of gaining your freedom, and how it will feel when you do.

Cheering you on.

Thanks for your kind words; if only the internet had been around (and MN!) when I met him, maybe I'd have realised he was a narcissist- or seen the red flags.

He's making it difficult to move forward & I just want to get on with my life.

I'm not sure you would have realised OP. In the midst of a controlling relationship it's easy to blame yourself and see yourself as completely to blame. Other people's experiences will always feel that little bit different. Unfortunately there are too many men out there like your ex. You need to focus on yourself now and getting stronger

Thanks; I recognise the signs now.

And he is the last person who anyone would have thought was an abuser.

On the surface he was so bloody nice, and on his best behaviour till I moved in.

Classic textbook stuff.

I have had counselling on my own & bought the Lundy Bancroft book.

He's more of a covert narcissist. A "respectable" man with a good job, horrible to think he targets me.

Thanks for your kind words; if only the internet had been around (and MN!) when I met him, maybe I'd have realised he was a narcissist- or seen the red flags

And then your DC wouldn’t exist ! The way I see it is the only thing that came
Out was 2 little humans
And if I can manage 20 years with him
8 more years of hard core single parenting is manageable x