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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gone nc and no ones noticed.

20 replies

ssd · 26/02/2020 23:10

Had to go nc with family members to keep my sanity. Its troubled me ever since. Paid for counselling. Helped a bit. I fret over it and worry in the wee small hours. It doesn't feel right but it feels like there's no other option. For me anyway.

So, I realised tonight, no one has noticed. No one has said 'what's up ssd, we never hear from you?'

Basically, no one cares.

I did it for my sanity, not for a reaction. But realising there's been no reaction, kind of astounds me and makes me remember why I went nc.

Aren't families bloody weird? You start off the same and that's all you have in common. I've had more care from a stranger at the bus stop than my own family.
I'll never understand it.
I bury it deep down, but it keeps popping up when I least expect it.
When do you finally get some peace?

OP posts:

TheYearOfTheDog · 26/02/2020 23:14

HOw long has it been?
When they realise that so much time has elapsed that you must have made the decision not to contact them, there could well be drama at that point.

Sitting with that discomfort is good. It means that the next time, the bullshit is less uncomfortable. Then you sit with that, and next time.... and rinse and repeat (I have not gone NC, my mum is respecting some boundaries now)

HermioneMakepeace · 26/02/2020 23:16

OP, I laughed when I read your thread title. Not because it's funny, but because that is exactly what happened to us! We went NC with our family and NO-ONE NOTICED!

Sometimes you just have to give up on your family and move on. I came to the very sad conclusion that you can't make people love you, and that includes family.

PumpkinP · 26/02/2020 23:41

Maybe they have noticed but are respecting your wishes

noego · 26/02/2020 23:45

Been LC with friends and family member for 6 months.................

The peace is wonderful :)

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 26/02/2020 23:52

But if your no contact presumably they aren’t nice people so why would you want them constantly messaging asking what’s wrong??

You decided to go no contact...you’ve got no contact

Original poster

ssd · 27/02/2020 08:00

I don't want them all over me, asking what's wrong. Been about 5 years now.
I just realised last night, if someone I cared about stopped contacting me, I'd notice. They didn't. They obviously don't find it strange they never hear from me. They are very wrapped up in themselves.
I should see it as liberating, but it feels like another rejection.

OP posts:

Inforthelonghaul · 27/02/2020 08:25

This is the same for me OP. I’m not intentionally nc with most of my family but if I don’t make contact then it doesn’t happen. Fact is the relationship isn’t as important to them as it is to you and you need to either make the first move or acknowledge it and let them go. You don’t have a choice about being related to someone but you do have a choice about letting them feature in your life. It’s quite possible that if there was a problem you both decided to stop around the same time and they are ok with it.

lexiepuppy · 27/02/2020 08:25

I went MC with my family nearly 3 years ago. It's my mother's 80th birthday tomorrow and I still struggle with what to do.
I was the scapegoat, brought up in a family of abusive narcissists.

Mostly I enjoy the peace, but they really didn't give a shit about me or my children , it was all conditional love and we weren't fulfilling their conditions!

lexiepuppy · 27/02/2020 08:26

NC- Not MC lol😉

TheVanguardSix · 27/02/2020 08:34

Yep. There's that little moment of realisation that if you died, a vast swathe of your family wouldn't notice. Sad, isn't it? That's sort of sent my pulse racing at times. Going NC, while not easy, has been very healthy for me. I don't have to jump through hoops to prove I'm worth their crumbs of love. I don't have to pole vault to reach their level of 'never enough' expectations. It's always been one rule for them and another for me. I grew up under a cloud of constant criticism, drug addiction, and violence. It took me over 40 years to reclaim my life and be my own authority and agent. It's been absolutely life-affirming and heartbreaking at the same time.

TheVanguardSix · 27/02/2020 08:41

Sorry to make my post all about me, OP. It's a solidarity fist bump. There are moments though when you're acutely reminded of how insignificant we are to the people meant to love and protect us. It's a sucker-punch when these reminders pop up. All you can do (pardon my corniness) is live your best life. You're released from all duty to a pack of clusterfuckers. Try and remind yourself of this when you feel so alone in the world. And remember, you are really never, ever alone in the world. None of us are.

Aussiebean · 27/02/2020 08:52

I am sure they have noticed. But it’s not their fault it’s yours.

You are the unreasonable one. There is no way they could have possibly done something to warrant your withdrawal.

Well if you are going to be so childish they are not going to beg.

*this is how I envision my mother sees our NC. Right down to the ‘I’m not going to beg’.

Not asking her to beg, just be nice.

You can’t understand how people like that think. Just be grateful you aren’t one of them.

Original poster

ssd · 27/02/2020 09:18

Thanks. These posts resonate with me. I'm grateful I'm not like them, though I sometimes wish I could be all me meme and only care about my self. It would make life so much easier and stop this eternal voice in my head.

OP posts:

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 27/02/2020 09:37

Same here, its like grieving for what should have been.
I think because we do it to heal, we deep down hope it will heal the situation too. But in my experience, they cant or wont change, but that part of you that wants and needs a 'normal loving family' still mourns that.
Yep live your best life, it could not have been an easy choice for you to do this, and you hope that they will reach out to heal this even years later. I think acceptance on your part is needed you dont really need people in your life that just are mot bothered

speakball · 27/02/2020 09:54

Same sort of thing here op. My inner child is healing but part of that is fully acknowledging the truth. My parents do not love me. They both have PD's but dad is cluster b with psychopathic traits. It's not personal though. They can't love anything. They don't even love themselves and are animated voids.

It might help to explore inner child work. It's simple. You imagine there's still a child in you, and there is because you weren't raised as such and your birthright of an authentic connection with a parent was denied to you. So you were plopped on earth without the validation you needed. Your reality was stolen. You were made to accept behaviour that violated your boundaries each and every time. And you KNEW it. But they denied you your precious life saving truth. So spend time validating that small child. Tell her that what was happening was unacceptable. You were let down terribly. Over and over. You'll find you'll say things that uncover things your subconscious wants you to address, specific memories or particular emotions. Go with it. Since I've been speaking I've dealt with stuff I had no idea needed validating and processing. She seems to know how to heal very well.

No contact is about living in the fullness of your reality of what your parents present to you, a danger. That's the horrible truth your mind is grappling with. But it's so worth it my love. Beyond this is a new freedom and joy.

Woollycardi · 27/02/2020 11:10

I also recommend Inner Child work. John Bradshaw has written a book called 'Homecoming' that might help just for some understanding. There is no way you 'should feel'. Your feelings of rejection sound utterly valid. I feel like there is a myth of 'liberation' that we all suddenly feel empowered and skip off into the sunshine, it just simply isn't like that. It takes time to heal and it doesn't simply happen when we walk away. Unfortunately. Good luck to you. You sound like you're on your way.

Mlou32 · 27/02/2020 11:33

Maybe they realise what shits they are to you and aren't surprised. Maybe they've always known that one day you'd have enough and go NC and have realised that this is what you've done. Maybe they realise that they've lost their power over you and so see no point in getting in touch.

speakball · 27/02/2020 16:43

As for the invalidating replies, it's a lonely road at times. People who have even just good enough parents don't get it. They'll look may look at it as dramatic and ott for cutting contact. I know how hard it is to come to that decision.

Do you have many safe people in real life who you can talk to?

Original poster

ssd · 27/02/2020 17:28

It's not my parents. It's complicated. But the feeling is the same.

OP posts:

fedup212 · 27/02/2020 17:35

Omg 5 years op!!!! I was expecting you to say a week or something . I literally wouldn't lose any sleep over it. They should be making the effort and asking is everything ok ? If it was my family member I would be pestering the poor sod lol . I really hope your ok . Kind of like my family . Basically only have my mam . We are in contact a lot but not close . My dad well I seriously don't think he would notice even if I emigrated x

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