What does a happy relationship look like?

[Chikadee]

My husband and I have 2 kids together and have been together about 10 years. There was always a level of bitterness in our relationship which only got worse after we had kids. I'm not sure how it started or who started it but it became a thing.
A few years ago I had a breakdown and had to start taking anti depressants, all the nasty bitter things he said had dragged me down. He stopped the bitterness then and i worked on my self esteem and felt a lot better. But in the last year it has returned, and I feel like I am battling against his perception of me, the nasty things he says, trying to stop myself from believing those things. I have tried to set a good example by not retaliating but it's still happening.
Thing is he works really hard for our family, has been doing a lot of hours and he loves the kids. He does some housework but over time I think he has managed to push more and more duties on to me. I work full time too, deal with the kids schedules/childcare/daily washing and a fair share of house cleaning but if he sees me take any time to chill he can't stand it. It just seems like what i do is not enough and I constantly question my self...am I lazy? Am I a bad mum?
The other problem is his drinking. We have both like a drink but I find his drinking amounts and habits unacceptable as a father. Starting drinking at lunch time and if we go out in the car shopping or something he will bring a beer for the journey. The other day i picked him up from a friends and he asked me to bring a beer for the journey back. This is not an everyday thing but all weekend every weekend at least.
When his mum wants to visit as she can't drive it has to be me who gets her as he wants to drink. I can't decide if this is an alcohol problem or a lack of respect for women, or both. I feel like he just expects his mum and me just to do whatever to accomodate him?
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to break up our family (the kids would be devistated) but I can't seem to keep on top of my self esteem issue when he is bitter and angry towards me. We never hug or kiss in general so I find it hard to want to have sex as we are not emotionally close...so we don't have much sex either.
Can I please hear from people who have been through similar and came out the other end happy?
And what does a REAL good husband/relationship look like? Because sometimes I wonder if I am just asking for too much and should just be happy he works hard and loves the kids?

What does he say when you raise these issues? Your concerns are very valid. I would be particularly worried about his alcohol use (having been in a relationship with an alcoholic who would not admit his alcoholism).

A happy relationship looks nothing like this
He can love the kids without being married to you

So you will stay miserable so your kids can watch him treat you like shit?

Surely you want more for your life than this? Your kids will get over a separation but if you stay he will ruin your life because he doesn't appear to care about anyone but himself.

OP I was in a similar situation (minus the alcohol issues) with my exH of 16 years. Bitterness and resentment steadily crept into our relationship and in the end his serial cheating made me end it. He had been unfaithful 11 years prior and I forgave him and for a while we were happy, developed trust again, he was kinder. But he is a bitter man and slowly the dynamic went back to how it was. I think you're dealing with a lot of challenges with this man and he sounds like an alcoholic. I want to say, don't mistake routine/familiarity/comfort zone as loving, or being loved by, someone. I'm 2.5 years on from ending it with exH and I'm still living with the damage he did to my self-esteem. The bitterness is insidious and harms you in ways you can't see at the time. Separating a family is hell and should be the very last resort, but know you are more than capable of thriving on your own. Good luck whatever your decide, no judgements from me, just take care of yourself. You need to be strong for your babies.

Thanks for your replies. When I have brought it up in the past he says I'm overreacting or i just don't appreciate the work he does and what he does around the house. I do appreciate that but he doesn't appreciate the stuff that I do and always thinks he's worse off somehow, so he becomes bitter towards me.
He said some really horrible things to me on Saturday and it was the last straw for me, I have avoided speaking to him since then, probably only said a few words to him a day...and do you know what? I don't think he's even noticed.
We are due to go on our first holiday abroad this year and I don't want to miss that opportunity with the kids. But I am at a point where I have had enough. I just know if I split with him I will get all the blame for it.

You have to accept that he will blame you if you do decide to split. But it doesn't change the reason you'd leave him. Sos similar to my exH, minimised everything and one morning I woke up and realised how he'd been "managing" me. Go on the holiday, maybe you'll have some time to talk? Either way it'll be time out of the routine to take stock xx

A happy relationship is one in which you feel cherished, supported and important. It's not endless bitter comments that drive you to depression. A good relationship is enhancing and redemptive. It literally makes you a better person.

I just know if I split with him I will get all the blame for it. He’s horrible to you. Not just a bit grumpy or not much fun. He’s actively nasty to you. You wouldn’t take that from a friend, so why would you take it from the man who is supposed to love you? Your children will have seen this. They’ll have picked up on the way he talks to you. Yes, they’ll probably be upset at the split because it’s upheaval in their life. But they absolutely will be fine in the long term. And he’s going to blame you whatever happens because it’s easier for him to do that than face up to the fact that he’s been so unpleasant that you can’t bear to be married to him anymore.

Why does it matter if you get the blame? Are you really going to waste your one and only life on this horrible person so someone doesn't blame you?

I'm in a happy relationship and in the 18 years my DH and I have been together he has never once said a nasty word to me. Not one. He has told me when he's had a problem but he's done it kindly and gently and then we discussed it and sorted it out. I really enjoy being with him and miss him when he's away. We laugh all the time and we are a very good team. We're best friends.

There is really no point in being in a relationship with someone if all they do is drain the life out of you and make you feel awful. No one is going to give you a medal for being his punching bag. Be a lot lot kinder to yourself and give yourself a chance to be happy.

On what level would your kids be devastated? He’s not very nice is a horrible husband and has a drink problem. I think they might even be relieved not to live in a house with animosity and bitterness all the time

He asked me why I'm being such a bitch ignoring him, I told him what he had said to me and he didn't remember as he was drunk at the time. He admitted he shouldn't have said those things but I started it by disagreeing with him earlier in the day and mentioning his drink problem.
He has been working a lot of hours and he thinks I'm being lazy as I don't keep the house to the same standard as him. This is where the bitterness comes from. I see it as taking the time I need to recharge but constantly feel guilty for taking that time...even though I know if I don't take that time I will have a breakdown. I have tried to exlain this to him but i dont think he will ever get it.