I really don't know what to do.
My husband of 20 years has always had an interest in porn. Over the last few years, this interest has become an addiction. He is currently attending Sex Addicts Anonymous as he has finally recognised this is getting out of control.
When we met, I was aware that he used porn - I guess all men do at some point in their lives. But he wanted to bring it in to ur relationship - ideas in the bedroom, things he said to me in the bed, he would read stories to me and tell me what was 'normal'
For years, I've ignored it, laughed it off or tried to excuse it.
Our sex life since our children have been born has been stained. Our oldest is 16, when he was small I found an unpleasant stash of porn hidden away. Apparently my lack of interest in him caused this. To explain, I had 3 miscarriages and a tricky pregnancy followed by being home alone while he was out doing whatever stuff in the evenings. 3 years later our second son was born who was given a diagnosis at the age of 8 of learning difficulties.
My husband is a fantastic father, but I'm really struggling with him being my husband. I'm still in love with the man I met and I'm arguing with myself in my head all the time.
I'm now approaching 50. I'm definitely perimenopause, and my interest in sex is quite frankly none existent. For years, I've just been letting him get on with it as he tell me he feels miserable and the only way he can deal with life is to have sex. This leaves me feeling empty and used. His mood returns back to normal the next day wanting sex again.
I've now got to the point, where I've decided enough is enough. I can't face having sex - we have not made love for years, this is just sex & I have been refusing for over 12 months.
After another chat, yesterday, I'm now just crying all the time. He blames his use of porn on my lack of interest in him, but when I discovered the extent of his porn addiction I was horrified. At its worst he is watching 2 hours every night. This is something he started before meeting me.
We have been down the route of marriage guidance a few years ago, but we both skirted round the issue of our sex life because he didn't want to talk about the porn. Now he wants to see a sex counselor & I feel like I'm being bullied in to going.
I think his plan is I will come out feeling like I want to have sex again when I have no interest, but my big worry is I will tell him how I feel, and that will be the end of us - I can't go down that road.
I can't walk away from this relationship, but I don't know what to do.