How do you get what you want?

[TrotMum]

I'm married to a good person, but who is also very black and white with his thinking. I also have my faults, I can be abit of a co-dependant, people pleaser. After making many compromises over the years in my marriage and hitting rock bottom with depression and not knowing who I was and grieving for things lost, I have made alot of positive progress. I need some tips on how to start making decisions and getting my needs and wants considered seriously. He is a great negotiator and is very articulate, he isn't very empathetic and likes to keep in control of things for his own reasons. Which means I am getting no where at the moment? Its important you know that I want to change and get better at this stuff and not throw all the blame at him. If he cant change that's on him, but for me I really need to start to become in charge of my own world. Tips, suggestions, support, understanding, help all welcome. I need some wiggle as I am abit stuck.

I don’t know because I have the same problem. I’ve realised that I’ve basically been a pleasing agreeable lap dog for 20 years and I’ve ended up not knowing who I am and living a life that doesn’t suit or interest me at all. If I didn’t have young kids I’d be gone. Everything that was me has been wiped away by a charismatic/dominant/strong husband who is single minded, unbending, never wrong and not at all interested in what makes me happy. So I’m stuck. Until the kids leave school and then I can go where I like!

I think it's important to set up boundaries and stick to them no matter what. You don't have to say no to someone in a nasty way, you know? But it is important to be able to say no in some way, I think.

I also think it's important to make a realistic plan of how to achieve things. Like, what do you realistically have to do to get somewhere? Write lists, do your research and stay organised.

Lastly, don't lose yourself. Stay true to who you really are. If you're not naturally an aggressive person, don't try to be an aggressive person. You can definitely achieve things by just being your calm, cool and collected self.

Go Gray rock

Maybe I’m being a bit thick, what do you want?
Access to money for purchases? Weekends away? Valentine’s Day cards? If your more direct and blunt maybe I’ll be able to help steer you in ways to achieve what you want.

This sounds like me. It doesn’t help that I have let him assume the role of looking after our finances. I suggested I took over for a period of time, but he didn’t like that idea. If I or the kids need something (new shoes), something straight forward I find myself having to justify the purchase. His last job was in sales and negotiation. Everyone thinks he’s charming, but he doesn’t like being with people if he can avoid it, which means I don’t socialise as much. We run a business together which I front and know the ins and outs of, where he is in the back ground. I know my stuff, but if we discuss some changes apparently he knows best, and can’t bring himself let go of control. I really need to assert myself as almost every sector of my life feels compromised.

Don't ask permission to do anything. Make statements instead of inviting opinions.
Take a time out each week to do something that's solely for you and not for anyone else and never, ever, compromise on that. Set it in stone.
Set strong boundaries and practise saying no. It takes a few goes before you stop feeling guilty but you'll be amazed at how liberating just saying no actually is. And ditch the toxic people in your life. Seriously. They are millstones around the neck and bring nothing but unhappiness.
And finally...invest in yourself. Education, training, hobbies, new clothes/hair/make-up whatever makes you sparkle. You're unique and special and if you don't celebrate that, who else is going to?

i agree with pallasathena
take care of yourself first.
i'm not always able to defend my position but that doesn't mean i don't express it anyway.

Presumably, from what you've written, he's the sole earner and you're being financially controlled because of it?

Is going back to work plausible? Get some independence back.

Agreeing for the sake of peace generally starts early in a relationship/marriage by the giver or the pleaser. The more dominant person before too long, takes this as normal as his or her right, it’s not then given much thought or appreciation. To reassert yourself will take dogged determination and strength, as your husband I suspect, won’t want any change from the status quo. Good luck

"We're equal human beings, my opinion is as valid as yours and I require equal access to the finances of our partnership."

If this is even a matter of debate, then your problem doesn't lie with you.