DP secretly smoking

[7dayslater]

We were both smokers before I was pregnant. We quit together when I found out in Sept 2017. Aside from being pregnant & now having a young DC - my grandfather died of lung cancer, and DP's dad died of the same just last year. So we are agreed that smoking is terrible.

I have since caved in a few times & had a cigarette when on nights out, thankfully it never amounted anything but nonetheless I told DP as honesty/transparency is important to me.

In recent weeks my DP has been smoking behind my back. I've no idea how much, but I have caught him out 3x and each time discussed how important it is to me that he is honest with me, but he has done it again.

The first time my friend mentioned that he'd been smoking with her partner, she thought I knew. I discussed with him that I'd prefer if he told me this kind of thing & he agreed. Then I caught him smoking in the garden after he thought I'd gone to bed. He was apologetic and swore it was the only/last time. But yesterday I saw that he'd cut a stick of filters down to make it look like none had gone. Yet he still claims he's not addicted.

I don't know if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. He can smoke, he's a grown adult. It's a shame & I don't want DS around it but I'm not going to control him. However I can't understand the dishonesty? He's lied about other things in the past too, I don't feel as though I can trust his word.

Advice please?

Smoking is about the only thing I understand lying about.

I used to smoke - I gave up years ago but I do occasionally yet I tell people i don't and only some people know about it.

I'm not proud of it and I don't want to shout about it!

However, it does only affect me. I wouldnt lie to a partner about it - I dont think - it's never arisen.

But if he lies about other things, that's more of an issue for me. My exh used to lie about everything, absolutely everything. It was a habit that he learnt in childhood and I couldn't cope with it. I likened it to the story of the house being build on sand or rocks. A house built on sand (a life built on lies) can never be trusted because you have no idea when the sand will shift and the house will collapse.

He's probably being dishonest about it because he doesn't want to have to have a discussion about it every time he has a cigarette.
You can't force him to give up smoking if he doesn't want to or is not able to.
What you could do is have a final discussion about it - ie. if he chooses to smoke, fine, his choice, but the following ground rules apply....eg. no smoking in the house, no smoking in front of DS..that kind of thing, but agree the rules together.

"I caught him doing this, I caught him doing that". I can understand why he doesn't tell you because you're waiting to catch him.

I kinda think it is controlling (I tried this with an ex)

Ex's brother smoked behind his wife back for years.

Used to see him on the street smoking (dad really he had to lie about it )

Personally now I accept people as they are. He'll only stop if he wants to.

Thanks for some perspective, that helps.

I suppose it irritates me because I said to him when I first found out that it's his choice if he smokes & he doesn't need to hide it from me. He is still telling me (today) that he is not addicted and that smoking makes him feel sick - so why are you secretly doing it then?

It's more the dishonesty that I'm finding upsetting. He has a history of lies & stories that don't quite add up.

He will only stop if he wants to enough.

You don't have the right to tell him not to smoke.

You do have the right to tell him that you don't intend to stay in a relationship with a smoker. You also, especially, have the much more completely understandable right to tell him that you won't stay in a relationship with someone who will lie to you.

You are totally YANBU, because you aren't actually saying 'I refuse to let him smoke' - which is controlling - you're saying 'I won't accept being lied to' - which is totally reasonable.

His choice isn't being forced to not smoke. His choice is to be told to have the guts to face up to the fact he's addicted and if he wants to smoke, he also has to put his hand up and say 'I'm a smoker, I want to quit but can't'.

He doesn't want to. His lies are to make himself feel more comfortable in your relationship at your expense. He doesn't want to think of himself as smoking/failing to quit, so he lies, and you get to feel uncomfortable instead.

Tell him that.

Tell him you're done with that. You know he's a smoker. That's his problem. You won't accept being lied to any more and if he carries on, your relationship will be damaged.

Sad not dad lol

Your last post confirms everythinvg I've just said!

He's a COWARD.

Tell him that if he wants to puff the puff, he can walk the walk too.

Or words to that effect!

If he was addicted to crack or alcohol, would you expect him to give up overnight! Smoking is an addiction like any other, he needs to be ready to give it up, and he will need time.

I can understand you feeling deeply abouut it as you've both lost loved ones to lung cancer.

You could stress that it's so important to you for that reason. You could encourage him to use nicotine replacement products, or there's a pill doctors can prescribe to help people give up if appropriate. Others find vaping helpful nowadays, though I suspect it's still not the healthiest thing, even nicotine-free ones.

Sounds like my dp with gambling. He lies about it constantly even when it's blatantly obvious that he has been gambling.
For instance, I was on holiday, he gambled 300 from my credit card. Credit card company contacted me. He had also order himself food from just eat at the same time. Credit card company traced the email address the gambling account was linked to (his obviously, yet he had set the account up in MY name?) also trace the location the bets had been made (where he had been working) that was 6 months ago, he would still claim to this day that someone had stolen both outlr details, gambled from my credit card, which means, if it was fraud and the person won anything, they would never see the winnings as it would go straight on to the original card 🙄. It's like banging my head against a wall. Oh and he also gambled 80 out of my actual bank account on the same night, with the same betting company. Still wasn't him though.

It’s not the smoking is it? It’s the lying. You’ve now realised your partner isn’t who you thought he was and if he’s lied/lying about this what else is he lying about. It means he’s gone back on his word and is capable of dishonesty even when he promised he wouldn’t. It now means you’ve got that uneasy gut feeling. It’s not good OP.

Agree it's the lying but clearly he wants the odd fag and doesnt want to tell you that.

Just tell him to be honest. Dont smoke in front of the kids, in the house etc but if hes elsewhere and fancies a cigarette then leave him to it, because it's an addiction and it's not that easy to stop. Addictions breed lies .... dont try and catch him out etc just tell him you know and him denying it is what's pissing you off more than the actual cigarette

Thanks for some good replies.

To clarify, DP hasn't been a smoker since Sept 2017 when he quit successfully, cold turkey. It is only in the last month that he has started smoking the odd ciggy again.

We had a chat this afternoon, he says that he doesn't want to smoke but that he's been finding it difficult not to since socially smoking with my friends DP which is understandable. Like I said, it's less the smoking but it's the dishonesty that gets to me.

Maybe you should wonder why he feels he needs to be dishonest about this.
Yes he shouldn't be lying about this, but maybe you should also ask why he feels to lie.
Maybe a softening of your approach may help you both

It's nothing to do with the smoking.

It's the number of lies he tells.

Are you prepared to put up with that?

Ugh. Following our chat, I felt comforted that DP took honesty as seriously as I did. Which is what this is all about.

Yesterday I noticed however that he's still smoking & is continuing to hide it from me. He waits until I go out in the evening to work. I feel really hurt about it. I haven't spoken to him about it, so he thinks I don't know - obviously takes me for a fool. I don't know what to say!

Is him lying to you a deal breaker?

Just tell him you know he's smoking and you don't mind and no more hiding it

Just tell him you know he's smoking and you don't mind and no more hiding it

This - he's a grown up - it's up to him if he smokes so long as he's not puffing away next to you/the kids.

From a totally different perspective... as the one who used to secretly smoke...
DH knew. I knew he knew. He knew I knew he knew... weird I know. And complicated. But I liked it that way. As did he.

The main reason being it meant I never got back up to smoking loads. It was only a few a day. If it had been out in the open it would have crept up. So it worked for us. I know it's weird, but it did. We had one conversation in which he said if I was going to smoke he didn't want it around him, it was a deal breaker but otherwise I could do it. I stuck to my word. Personal pride meant I never wanted to smell of smoke around others so that also kept it down.

That's pretty much exactly what I said when I first found out, that I knew he was smoking & there was no need to hide it. He denied it & even expressed his 'disgust' for smoking.

I'd rather him honestly smoke than to lie to me - especially given his history of 'white lies'. I do have trust issues to a degree & I thought he was doing his best to help build my trust up again... I don't understand why he feels he needs to lie - I even enjoy a social smoke on occasion!

Perhaps he's deliberately choosing to smoke at times that mean he won't have to deal with your disapproval.

I'm not quite sure what you want from him, he's smoking again, you know he's smoking again.

Where's the lying?

Is it that you want him to actively inform you every time he has a cigarette?

@WickedlyPetite

There's no disapproval, really. I just don't like that he is doing it behind my back & lying. It makes me feel uncomfortable. If I were to start smoking again, that'd just be it. I wouldn't try to sneak around him & lie, he's my partner not my parent.