Would you contact abusive parent

[Chickencuddle]

My parents were physically and mentally abusive. But it wasnt all bad. I know that doesnt make it right.
We have been estranged for almost 20 years now. Recently been going through some hard times and been thinking of contacting my mum. I've never thought about it before and always thought I'd had a lucky escape. Now I've been speaking to a friend who's mum was abusive but they are still un contact and they have a pretty good relationship now. I wonder if I could have that?
Anyone had any experiences. In worried about opening that door and opening myself up to more abuse and hurt. But then I think I'm an adult now and I can protect myself if that were to happen.

Anyone

I would not reach out to them at all. I would state they has also had two decades in which to contact you and they have chosen not to do so.

Your friend's experience may not be all that great actually re her mother either and this person may well find themselves in a whole heap of fear, obligation and guilt yet again. Abusive people do not change readily if at all; their actions are about power and control.

You have likely made much progress yourself since those dark days but you remain vulnerable and once that box is opened it may be nigh on impossible to shut it again. Do not do that to yourself.

Why open that Pandoras box at all, what would you hope to gain from reestablishing contact?. A heartfelt apology or even an acknowledgement of wrongdoing is not something you would ever get from these people and is really the stuff of movies. It may also be a good idea for you to read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

No

How strong are you? Will you manage if she hasn't changed?
I didn't see mine before they died and I don't regret it one bit.
However, I knew that they hadn't changed one hot so there was no point trying for reconciliation.

One *jot

No

Yes my mum 2as verbally abusive but not physical other than smacking which wouldn't have counted as physically abusive back then.
My dad 2as the one who was physically abusive.
Looking back I can see my mum had alot of stress and lots of personal troubles which u feel like all came out at me. She may have been in a really dark place. I'm not excusing her I'm just trying to understand. We have never properly spoken about it as adults. I'm imagining a conversation and sorting things out and then things being different. I can see that there were times where she was kind and understanding and I guess I'm hoping she would be more like that now. I have noone in my life apart from my kids and just finding things hard. Seeing other peoples relationships with their parents is like a dagger in my heart sometimes and I just want some of that. I know I sound stupid. Maybe I'm just desperate at the moment for some love.

There is no justification for abuse; abuse is about power and control. You were abused and yet you have chosen not to inflict that same childhood upon your children, for that you should be commended. You were and remain their scapegoat for all their inherent ills and any conversation you have at all with either parent here will NOT go at all well for you.

Instead of seeking the necessary help both your parents decided and actively chose to lash out at you, you were but a defenceless child at the time. The abuse is all on them and they are entirely to blame for what happened to you within your home.

Its not your fault this happened to you. I am so sorry that no-one saw it fit to actually protect you from being abused by these people.

Please post on the "Stately Homes" thread on these pages because this could also help you. It may well be an idea for you also to contact NAPAC and their link is here. Please seek good quality support for your own self from the likes of NAPAC rather than reaching out to your parents (who are actually not worthy of the term).

napac.org.uk/

Chicken the problem is summed up in your last sentence - you’re desperate for love. Can you explore some ways to make your life happier and more fulfilling so that you feel a bit stronger? The trouble with going looking for something that might not be there is the pain might get more not less.
We all have that ‘happy ever after’ wish, and society is always telling us to go for it, take risks, long lost family etc. You don’t sound stupid, it’s not wrong to want your mother to love you.

My advice would be to try and find other ways to meet that need for approval and self-worth first. I hope you can find some peace with it.

Thank you so much for responses It brought out alot of emotion i must have been keeping in..seeing thos words it's not your fault. I've been told that before but every time it gives the same reaction to me.
I dont know what else I can do really my life is my kids and no time for anything else. I feel like theres no closure sometimes.
I've tried finding that thread but it says it is closed.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards

Come over there, please, there’s so much support for the many, many who are in your place.

It’s not your fault and you are not alone 💐

1. do you think she is -capable- of being genuinely pleasanter now? Or do you think you might get close and then she's turn abusive again?

I don't believe no one can ever change. It's too easy an answer. Occasionally people do change; they grow up and realise how badly they've behaved and they regret it. Not often, but it does happen.

Question is: will your mum be one of those people?

2. If this desire to reconnect with her comes because you crave someone to love you and fall back on in hard times, then a rejection by her will be even harder. It's easier to cope with rejection when you contact someone from a position of strength than from weakness.

3. can you cope with rejection/renewed abuse from her?

I'm absolutely not saying don't do it. It's a minority of people who change, but some do. I am saying think hard and long, plan how to cope with it going wrong but hope for the best.