Boyfriend working away

[Booksbunny]

Hi all, looking for some advice. I started a relationship 6 months ago. We get on really well, he’s lovely to be around and I feel so happy when he’s with me. Problem is he works abroad. Literally he’s home for 2 weeks every 6 weeks but has to fit in his kids too understandably (and his friends/family/hobbies). Sometimes he can come home for a couple days in between to break it up but all in all I don’t see him much and it’s a lot of time on my own and a complete inability to have a normal relationship. For the most part we just text which is not a relationship to me - I came out of 20 year relationship living with someone.

I’ve been trying to make the best of it - enjoy the time with him and time wit my daughter otherwise. Problem is I’m lonely and bored a lot of the time. As it’s a new relationship I also worry I’m wasting my time - what if I’m sitting round waiting on him for nothing. How can I tell we’ll even work out when he does come back to uk finally?

He also has the opportunity to come home August but he wants to work longer to pay his mortgage off. The job is tax free where he is so more than double UK salary. No clear idea how much longer he needs to work...

I don’t want to interfere with his life plans to pay off mortgage, provide for his kids etc. However, I have my own life plans - settle down with someone and attempt to live a normal happy life. I’m not sure if the two can co-exist? I can’t make myself happy seeing someone about 30 days a year. When I’ve spoken to him about struggling with long distance he says it’ll all be worth it and one day he’ll be home with me and we’ll live a good life. I then feel guilty for feeling like this. But I’m still filled with doubts though and not sure where to begin to address them? How do I talk to him about this? Has anyone been in a similar situation and did it work out / not work out?

My advice would be to call quits on this. Its not a real relationship, is it? I say this as an ex forces wife. He was moved all over the country, different base every year. He would be home for the weekend every 3/4 weeks, but it it was half a life.

It was texts and phone calls instead of support and assistance in the home. It means happy birthday texts instead of a happy birthday kiss. Its a companion, a pen friend, a friend with benefits, but its not a life partner. Its no-one to help you with the dinner, no-one to accompany you to family parties, no-one to cuddle after a bad day.

Ultimately all my years of loyalty were worth nothing as he turned out to be a low life cheater, a woman in every port as the old saying goes. Wasted many good years on him and if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't. It sounds like I'm incredibly bitter, but honestly, hindsight is 20/20 and compared to the happy, real, relationship I have now, the past seems like a robbery of years.

@antisup

The above is the most likely scenario OP.
Years wasted filling in time to be with someone briefly.

Personally, having seen it up close with a couple of friends, I wouldn't consider it for one moment.

The odds are stacked so high against it working out.
Even if it did work out in 10 years....is it worth the sacrifice.
I believe there are many possible partners out there, not just one soul mate.
I wouldn't dream of sacrificing years for the idea that one might work out.

You are someone that will always come way down his list:
Job
Money
Children
Family
Hobbies
Girlfriend

Why would you settle for that?
No one is worth it. NO ONE.

Wishing you well OP

It doesn't sound like a relationship at all as @antisupermum and @billy1966 has pointed out, you are further down the pecking order of things.

Long distance relationships can work if you are the priority, but it sounds like he is paying lip service to you. It's all very well promising a rosy future but this 'relationship' doesn't sound like it is fulfilling what you want at all. Personally I couldn't take the risk that the rosy future will come true, I'd want my DP to be with me in the here and now.

Thanks ladies. Not cyclical at all. I think it’s just the sad truth of it -and the truth of a lot of long distance relationships.

It likely seems silly I ended up like this, it does to me, but I got distracted with chemistry and the stuff we had in common - the practicalities went by the wayside. But all the way through the sensible part of me has been nagging at me that how can this work out long term? And yes the nagging voice telling me that it isn’t even a real relationship to start with as it’s too much texting and not enough in person time.

I don’t believe in soul mates either. I do love him though so it’ll be hard ending things. (Yes love in the silly emotional, impractical sense I know). He’ll also be hurt I think. There is a compatibility to us that works both ways. But I do agree I’m not in his top 3 priorities. And without rose tinted glasses the relationship is more companionship and friends with benefits than a partner, or even a boyfriend. Settling for that would be stupid. I’d certainly never advise a friend to settle like this.

Truth is though I have no idea how to say goodbye to him. Despite him not being around much he’s been such a big part of my life these past 6 months. Yes mainly me waiting around being an idiot. But I don’t have a lot of fun in my life. I work full time and am a single parent. Most of my life is just working to pay bills, being the 3rd wheel at things and dodging happy families. I came out of a long term relationship last year that really wasn’t a happy place for me. He was like the rainbow after the storm in truth so I almost feel like I need to ween myself off him.

I also feel bad on him. I don’t think he’s a bad guy. I’m not his priority but his priorities aren’t wrong to him. We just mismatch on what we need of a relationship. I do think he’s given everything he’s capable of giving at the moment.

But yes the fact is I’m still wasting my time and this is 99% certainly a relationship going no-where.

OP, I have worked with guys like this.
Nice guys.
But a lot of them were well able to compartmentalise their lives.
Living away, working, enjoying a social life, all the time while they had girlfriends, partners, wives at home.

Some were very much able to have little flings on the go while their main partner was back home, keeping it going.

By and large they really enjoyed both parts of their lives, the big money, the expenses.

They certainly were mostly not interested in giving it up.

Having seen it up close, I wouldn't dream of volunteering for it.

Wishing you well.

Thanks Billy. I’ve never experienced it from either side before, even as an impartial observer, so it’s good to get that insight. Earning good money and living a life free of dull daily responsibility sounds good to me too. If I was a bloke I likely wouldn’t give it up either. It’s why when he says he will give it up if only he can earn enough to pay the mortgage off I just can’t help but think, and then comes the nice holiday, car, pension fund... And all the while he’s quite happy and I’m living some half life...

If I was happy now I would be ok to let the future slide a bit - live in the moment and just enjoy life ambling along. Problem is I’m not happy now 90% of the time. Life is dragging by and then lurching into little bursts of excitement before rapidly back to dragging along. And yes dragging along to nowhere...

Why does life always have to be so bloody hard. Meet a nice guy and he has to work away doesn’t he. Then again I do think that’s likely why the nice guy was single in the first place... 🤔

So glad I read this post....I’ve been in the same situation now for 3 years! Just like you...he works away for ages then back for a very short time. Nothing has changed in 3 years. And I spend so much time completely frustrated by it. We are in contact every single day for all that time. I just don’t know how to give it up.

Sometimes they take a contract back on "land" for a while...but a lot miss life away.

It can be very seductive.....
Lots of perks, great money...they get so used to the good money.
The guys that stay home are the ones that missed their families terribly and didn't do huge socialising. But the social life can be so great as often there are lots of people in a similar situation.

OP, by all means PM me if you like.

I echo what @billy1966 says. Mine left the forces, came home and done 6 months in a civi job before declaring it a load of shit and going back into the forces. I should have known then it was destined for failure. I hung on in for another - - wasted-- 18 months, though. So many regrets.

Thanks everyone for the opinions and experience, really appreciate it. It is the reality check I needed. X