Do I call it quits on my marriage or terrible mistake? advice needed

[Faithsmum]

Seeking advice if anyone is in or has been in the same situation as me as I feel like I can't talk to anyone around me about my situation.

I am 32years old, husband is 37.. we have been together since I was 21 and by 24 we had our first child, followed by marriage and another baby. Within the last 3years my husband has lost his mum and 2 other close family members. This has completely changed him as a person (which I know would do to anyone) but this put a massive strain on our relationship as I basically parented on my own for 3 years due to him going out a lot drinking, drinking in secret which I have recently found out. Speaking to me horrendously and basically not bothering that I have a life aswell, everything was very one sided on his needs. Over time I have started to lose the attraction I had for him, I fell in love with him and his character more than his looks - don't get me wrong I found him attractive to look at before but for me it was his personality that I fell hard for.

He worked away last year for 10 months where we see him of a weekend and sometimes once during the week. I feel like this has pushed me emotionally away from him even more, I know he took the job for us financially it didn't help me feeling disconnected.

In October 2019, I looked through his phone.. I have no idea why I haven't looked through his phone since our first born arrived as fully trusted him. Anyway cut a long story short I found lots of messages from a girl I vaguely know (his sisters friend) calling on a kiss and him telling her she should put her words into action. Another from a girl at the gym and he asked her to join him in the jacuzzi and constant messages from him asking her if she's going to be in the gym (one message on our sons birthday so he was obvs sitting with me and the kids. Then finally a message from a girl he met at work and he was telling her she knows he can't resist an American accent and that he would see her Sunday to pick her up... as you can imagine I was shaking with anger still am to be honest typing this out.

Anyway I called my mum to take the kids and soon as they left I went mental over the messages, he was crying and trying to explain that these were from the time his mum passed away and that I know he wasn't himself then and that he has massively messed up and wants to prove to me his changed. I don't believe for one second these are the only 3 people his messaged/cheated if he has (his saying was only ever messages but I don't believe that) and he is trying to say it is.. for the amount of time we have been together and these messages where found on an old phone he turned on(thats how I had the phone) I can't believe that he hasn't been doing this our whole relationship.

I feel like our relationship was on the edge of failing before these messages with me feeling so much guilt. as I just don't feel the same about him with the way he has treated me since his mum passed away I think that has made me so hard towards him I just don't find him attractive at all. We were having sex up until October when I found the messages now its non existent which he has a problem with he brings it up but adds that he knows it will take time for me to get there again..

Ive told him if we didn't have children I would not be with him but since October he has stayed in our house under the conditions that we would try and talk and see if I can ever regain trust and respect. He has said that he couldn't and won't live without me or the kids and when I challenged this he said well they wouldn't be not living with him which scares me he could potentially try and take the kids from me.

His such an emotional character and since October he has been really trying hard, all of my friends and family (they don't know whats happened) think his the best dad and partner, they often make comments of how lucky I am he doesn't do this and that - which of course I bloody don't feel lucky for how I've been treated in the past.

I do not fancy him any more at all but the thought of breaking up our family because I don't find him attractive anymore and don't want to have sex with him feels horrendous. How do I break my kids heart and his because of my own needs? or do I stay and just get on with it as I love him just not in the same way anymore?

Not to mention the thought of never finding someone else I love as much as him, does the spark just go anyway? are all men that are vaguely attractive just pricks also!? the thought of starting again terrifies me but I am only 32 so that scares me being stuck in a sexless marriage

Any advice I would be so grateful for if your in or have been in this position before.

Leave him.
You deserve someone who respects you and doesn't use threats about child custody to keep you in the marriage.
Re custody if he works away for weeks/months at a time he would not get residency as he is not the primary care giver nor would he be able to look after them, so please don't let him scare you about this.
for you

Stressedout10
Thanks for the response, I feel guilty about leaving though the thought of actually doing it and completely changing all of our lives is terrifying for me. We have all the same friends and he often says how my family are all he has etc.

I do agree with the custody thing no idea why he said that and really threw me once again by his character changes. His recently changed jobs so won't be working away anymore but will have long working days and some nights. This is only one reason that is making me question what I'm thinking x

Have you tried counselling?

AussieBean

No we haven't tried that yet but i would consider it.

He has been having really depressed moments and keeps going for drives on his own. x

One of my best friends ended her marriage after she discovered her dh was messing about, she and her 3 kids have never been happier.

This always tends to go the same way OP.

They get caught
They blame "issues"
They wear you down
You give in
They get comfortable
They do it again

The messages he sent were appalling, I couldn't forgive that. You're not ending your marriage because you dont find your DH attractive, you're ending it because he's a liar and a cheat and he will hurt you again.

Leave him

Going for drives on his own? Are you sure that's what he's doing?
And no, not all vaguely attractive men behave like this. You really don't deserve this OP, and I totally agree with a PP who said he will get comfy and do it again! Imagine if you didn't find the messages, you would never have known. It's not like he was so guilt ridden he just had to get it off his chest... If it were up to him you would still be in the dark and he would still be doing god knows what. If it were me I would get an STI check, and get out of there. I think he was crying because he was caught, not because he was sorry.

Hope you find the strength to find a way through this! x

Tbh you're best off making a quick decision and leaving with the dcs with the minimum of fuss. You can sort out the finer details when you're separated. Through solicitors.

Some of the comments you mention about him saying he won't live without you or the dcs and him going for long drives all the time are ringing alarm bells for me.

Women and children are most at risk when a relationship is ending. I'm not saying this to scare you, but sadly every week brings another story of a 'loving father' who apparently just flipped. You're better off just making a clean break and giving him time to get used to the new reality. And if you have any doubts about the dcs safety with him because of his words or behaviour, take them seriously.

This is actually good to hear i keep getting it all back on me as we weren't great before i found the messages and started to feel not attracted to him so i feel a massive guilt
in that sense.

His spoke to my best friend and said that he feels it's deeper than the text messages and that i just don't love him...1) pissed me off he thinks he can get deep with my best mate and make her question me and 2) it's a deflect back on to me to make me look awful for not wanting to be with him anymore rather than the true facts that it's his actions that have done that

RuffleCrow

Yea i agree that it's worrying, i've actually in the last couple of days started to get worried about him mentally.

In terms of getting out quick, i feel like he would never do anything to us which could be naive and i do appreciate your message. I think he would change his attitude to me massively if i suggested we separate, so i think would be better on a slower process. but who knows i never expected to be in this position

CandyApple

Yes i agree and well aware that the drives sound major suspect, but to be honest i do feel to that they are more to do with his mental state but who knows he could be meeting up with someone. Nothing would surprise me at this point.

I need to just sort myself out, and totally agree he would never have told
me and happy to let me go on with feeling guilty for the fact our marriage was heading downhill.

thank you for the message x

Mamato3lads

Sorry if i'm responding to these wrong (first time posting)

Thank you for your message, i feel like
i know this cycle, my dad has done this to my mum and i feel like i've always had strong views i would not go through what my mum did so i think this resonates with me that it could be the same route x

There are so many reasons your marriage sounds like it's over already. If you decide to be the one to say it out loud, I don't think that makes you responsible for actually ending it.

Grief is hard but it doesn't change everyone. We all have a choice about how we behave. He has chosen to behave like a slut, with zero respect for you or your children.

You said you've had to live with no support or input from him so you know you don't need him. And it sounds like you don't want him either.

There isn't anything to decide. The relationship has been over for some time now.

Marriage is supposed to enhance the life of both people in it, not drag anyone down.

I think you are being naive thinking he would never harm you or the children. Possibly not, but there are quite a few red flags here. If you decide to leave, I think you should leave quickly before he realises what's happening and not leave the children with him unsupervised. It sounds like he needs professional help and until you're sure he's getting it, I'd be very wary.
He won't live without the children???? This could be much nastier than the threat of a custody battle! It's the ultimate taking back of control.

He’s probably got another phone and is going for drives to park up and use it. Why don’t you look at the mileage? Start making a mental note of how many miles. If he’s doing 3 miles (for example) but is out for an hour then you have your answer. Regardless, it’s time to pull the plug. Why haven’t you told other people what’s going on? Don’t you trust them? You need to rally your friends and family to you. He’s not a great husband or dad at all is he. Come on. You know better than this. You also know better than to do this “guilt” conversation with yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong. You held down the fort solo for almost a year while he was off doing god knows what with god knows who. He’s taken you for a fool, got caught (and there’s probably shit loads more you haven’t seen) and now he’s doing DARVO (google it). He can’t take the kids. Remember when he worked away for 10 months? You’re primary carer. You didn’t sign up for this. You have a right to a functioning healthy marriage. You don’t have to live a life of not being attracted to your mate just because of the children. It’s not 1950. Divorce and move on, you won’t be the first and you won’t be the last. Come on. Big girl pants. Go see a solicitor and get that ball rolling